Hello Sparky79; this must be a very difficult situation for you.  I am so sorry.  Bearing in mind I am only one person; although I have helped care for terminally ill cancer patients I have not had to face this situation and there is no one definitive answer.  Sometimes patients gradually come to the realisation on theri own eventually.  In your dad's case I would be inclined not to tell him he is terminally ill.  I don't think it would help anything and at this moment in time would just cause him distress.  Your dad may be in denial but he will surely realise eventually that he is not getting any treatment.  He will probably start to ask questions at some point and that point will define the moment when he realises what is happening.  Terrible for everyone but probably the kindest of the options.  Writing this, I realise you may think "It is easy for Annie to say this and that; she doesn't have to face the reality of what is happening" and you are quite correct.    If it would help you to have a chat with the nurses here do give them a ring (Freefone 0808 800 4040 Mon-Fri 9am-5pm).    Annie

Thank you Annie x

Hi there sparky ...

You'd had amazing advice ... listen to it all and take in the things you think will help ...

My reply is somewhat different ... I lost my mum suddenly to heart attack .. she phoned one Monday morning about coming up mine the next day ... at 5.20 she'd gone ... no chance to hold her hand, tell her one more time just how much I loved her ... l lost my mum that day, and my son's lost the best nanny anyone could wish for ... 

If I'd had one more day, id have fitted a lifetime of memories into that day ... you have a lot longer then just one day ... you have the chance to make every day you have a day you'll remember forever .. hold his hand, tell him how wonderfull he is ... he may still want to do something, see someone... and if you listen carefully he may have things he wants to say ... as hard as they maybe to hear ...

I'm on my cancer journey now, but I wake up every day thankfully I'm still here ... I find something to smile at each day.... I'm making as many memories for those I love as l can ... we listen to each other ... have shared tears, and hugs... and laughter along the way ...

Try not to think of it as he may only have a year ... think of it as you have been given time to make every day count ... do you tell Him? Taffs right ... if you listen to him, you may find he already knows deep down .. but hold his hand on this journey of his, walk by his side and make it the best you can for him .. Chrissie

Thank you everyone for your replies ️

Hi Sparky,

Is there something you're not telling us? Your GP doesn't have the authority to withold information from any of his patients unless there is an over-riding factor at play such as Mental Capacity or Mental Health issues. If neither of these apply, she could be struck off for behaving like this.

You should not have been put into this position and if there are no other factors at play you would be entitled to raise an official complaint. 

If he does have such issues, you might want to seek professional advice before deciding what to do for the best. 

Best wishes

Dave

Hi Dave

No mental health issues present. 

I wouldn’t want to accuse the Dr of being unprofessional, I think she was probably trying to be caring with him being so positive about it at the minute. 

Thanks for the reply, all very much appreciated

No worries - after several scandals in recent years all doctors in the NHS have been told they should follow the rule of "no decision about me, without me". As a patient advocate for another charity, this sort of paternalistic thinking really gets my back up, however well intentioned it is :-) 

Patients have a human right to be fully informed. Otherwise, how can we give informed consent to our treatment or a decision that no treatment is the best option? Doing nothing requires informed consent just as much as a medical intervention.

Hi there Sparky79,

Sorry to hear your dad's prognosis and the dilemma it's posing you and your family.

Like at least one other on here I was surprised the GP told your mum without your dad present, it is an odd thing to do when the patient is an adult and compus mentus, but it is what it is.

I imagine your dad is going to notice he isn't getting treatment for cancer, in which case he's surely going to know it's terminal?  Albeit he won't know the time he has been given.

It is, of course, your family's decision, I can only say what I would do.  I would tell.  I think we all have the right to know something about ourselves that others already know.  I have to admit I wouldn't be happy if my family kept something like that from me (not that I would hold it against them in any way as it is an emotionally fraught situation).  But then I would be seriously not amused that my GP kept it from me, especially when they had told others.

If I think about my own death I realise that there are things people don't know about me, even those closest to me.  I have old diaries somewhere, someone could read them and misinterpret things I wrote and, without me here to clarify, upset themself.  They contain thoughts I had when severely depressed that could harm others to read.  If I die of this cancer then I at least get the chance to destroy diaries etc. (which reminds me, I might as well do it, I never go back to them anyway).  Your dad may have things that are his that he doesn't want people finding after he dies.  He may also have things he wants to say to people before he dies.  We don't always get the chance, but he does have the chance.

Just my thoughts on this kind of scenario.

Let us know how your dad is getting on.

LJx

Hi sparky79

im terminal  Doctors do shy away from the truth

the whole truth etc I requested a copy of every letter my Consultant sent to my Doctor  

you could ask your dad if he would like to get a copy  best to let him know I'd be furious if anyone tried to hide anything  I needed to know so can plan things who gets what etc

where and how I want for my funeral pick a song from me to my lovely family to be played

etc it all takes time  Your mum know your dad best and everyone's different  let us all know how it works out  regards and good wishes

x colleen