Hi Geordie,

I'm very sorry to hear about what is happening to you and to your dad, it does sound absolutely heartbreaking.  On the other hand congratulations on your newborn.

Really glad you felt able to come on here and 'spew' as you put it.  While my own cancer isn't, as far as I know, terminal I wanted to come on this part of the forum in case there were people in your situation (i.e. talking about losing a loved one rather than being the one with the terminal illness).

We've had a lot of loss in my family and most of it without warning, however we have nearly lost my mum twice (both times to breast cancer) and my dad one (to pneumonia), so I understand the fear of losing a loved one as well as the actual of it.

I can understand your mum not attending the funeral but hopefully she can still be a support for you.  Regardless of her relationship with your dad, someone she loves is losing their own father so there are ways she can be there for you without it being about her and your dad's relationship.  I don't know if you've asked her for support or shown her that you need it, it's easy to think she'll assume you want her support but given the estrangement between her and your dad she might not assume that, always worth letting her know you want her support (if she doesn't already).

Please don't think there is no-one you can talk to. So many people have been through similar situations, it's just finding them!  Your GP might consider it worthwhile referring you for some grief counselling, or you could contact Citizens Advice to see if any charities in your area offer it.  Does your employer possibly have some free AXA helpline or something which you may have forgotten about because you haven't used it?  And the thing I've found with having cancer is there are so many friends who actively want me to lean on them if I need to, I'm sure you're friends would want to be there for you too.

IIt sounds like it is worth contacting your dad more, even though he is very ill, it may be that it's not a hassle at all, he may be longing to have more contact with you, there is no harm in asking him how much contact he can handle at this stage.  Again, when someone is that ill it's easy for us to assume we're hassling them, but definitely better to ask what they want of us.  And given your relationship with his current partner I'd make sure and hear it from your dad.  If he is struggling to talk then maybe FaceTime so you can see him?  My family are far away from me and I find it makes me feel much closer to see them rather than just hear them.

You were very close to your grandparents, as I was particularly with one of mine.  My world was completely rocked at 13 when my Grampa died suddenly.  But it did teach me the truth of how time helps (not heals!!!!!) and how easy it is to keep someone alive in our memories.  You've presumably discovered the same with the loss of your nanna.  It will be the same with your dad, even though it's hard to see it just now.  There will come a day when it starts to be about finding joy in the memories you have of him.

As someone who never knew their dad's parents (they died before I was born) I can assure you that I feel like I knew them, and I'm 41 now.  I feel close to them too, so don't worry too much about your baby not getting to physically see your dad again. Your baby will feel about your dad according to how you talk about him.  If you keep his memory alive and tell your kids stories about him then they will grow up feeling like they knew him and feeling close to him.

Aside from that I'd say if you want to cry, then cry.  If you want to scream then drive up a hill somewhere nearby and scream, why shouldn't you?  Get some release for your emotions at least.  But given you are still very much post-natal I would at least see if it's possible to get some kind of counselling to help you through what is already a difficult time hormonally and sleepwise.

I'll be around on here if you need to vent anyway.

Take it easy.

LJx

Hello Geordie.  I am a Sunderland lass (well, not a lass any more) and remember how hard it was when first my mam was dying from cancer and a few years later my dad died (from pneumonia).    I had moved to the South East where I was working and it was a difficult to say the least - and I didn't have to cope with a divided family.   You don't say the circumstances that brought you so far from home but from your post I am guessing that it is difficult for you to regularly see your dad. So pleased your dad has seen his grandson; that must have pleased him.   Can you perhaps use Skype - is your dad able to use this with help from his partner or is he losing too much strength?  Please keep posting here to let us know how you are feeling if it makes things any easier for you.  Annie

Yer always a lass if you come from the North East xx