Hi there ... this has come up a few times on here ..

. it just maybe, he loves you so much it would hurt too much to see the pain in your eyes and he's pushing you away, thinking he's saving you from hurting, but not realising it feels so much more painfull being pushed away ... if this is the case ... I would write him a letter, saying you know it will be painfull to be with him, as you love him so much ... but the pain is overwhelming being away, and not with him ... ...  

Or he just may feel he has to do this alone and then you can try respect that, while still keeping him in your heart .... 

Whatever you do, know there's never a right or wrong way ... that feelings are raw at this time, for everyone ... I know the hardest part of my cancer journey so far, was my little niece who was crying uncontrollably and I held her for a long time ... seeing so much love is overwhelming for everyone ... 

So if l were you, I'd do my homework and find out from people who know you both ... be ready to run to him, and be ready to stand back ... whichever is needed ... my heart goes out to you both ... Chrissie x

This paradoxical behaviour is fairly common.  There is something called the five stages of grief that a terminal ill person is thought to go through. In order they are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

He may be at the anger stage or the depression stage. If he can work through to the last stage then he may yet be willing to see you again. 

I should add that I'm not a psychologist, and not every psychologist thinks this model applies to everybody. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model

Hi Chriss and Telemando,

Thanks for being so supportive and understanding.  I think you are both right.  I wrote him a long letter yesterday, telling him about my wish to see him one last time, but understanding if he didnt want to see me. I went through all the wonderful times we had together and told him how much he meant to me.  But I also said, that I thought it was unfair of him, just to drop me so suddenly.  I feel that I too have feelings, and that they need to be voiced.  I have had to be so strong for so long, just being pushed to one side so terribly suddenly really hurts.  I said, that he was denying me the possibiliy to say goodbye, and hence I was writing the letter as this was the only option left to me. 

I like your comment Chriss, about finding people who know us both.  His brother, if they are still in contact, could let me know if Thomas wanted to see me at any point.  

Thanks too Telemando about the curve and telling me that this type of behaviour was common.  I sort of guessed it was, but wanted to have it confirmed.  It is soooooo tough, as I am sure everybody on this forum knows. 

I feel so empty.  I just hope that Thomas opened the email I sent to him and read the letter.   

It is really good, to hear from people who understand.  Thank you.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you ... so hope you get the reply you need ... Chrissie x

Hi Chriss,

thanks, yes, so do I!! I am not really functioning on all four cylinders.  I blame myself for things I said (I am sure this is really common.  "If only...." must loom very large on this forum.  I am trying not to think like that or beat myself up about things I did).

But I do have one question:  just because you are dying, does that give you special rights?  Let me try to explain myself.  Of course, the person who only has a short time to live can chose to spend it however he/she wants.  And if that means alone, so be it.  It is not at all for others to decide or judge.  But does it mean, that the person who remains living, cannot voice his/her discontent?  I am writing this, because we had a bit of a set-to just before T. broke off all communication.  I voiced my unhappiness at his behaviour.  In retrospect (ah, in retrospect everything is always so clear!) it was just a huge misunderstanding.  I did email this to T. several times, but I think he is just too weak to deal with anything anymore and wants to be left alone.  So my question is: should I have just swalled his perceived poor behaviour because he is dying, or was it ok to voice my discontent?  I dont think there is a right or wrong answer and what is done is done.  I just feel that "if only...."

Oh hunny ... think everyone I know says if only ... or if I'd done this or wish I'd said or not said something ... I'm afraid that's life ... and think everyone would turn back the clock if we could ... 

This is mine ...

If only I'd picked mum up one Monday morning to go to her club but she said the bus stopped outside her house ... and I was in the middle of housework ... last thing she said was "see ya tomorrow love "  at 5.20 that afternoon she had a massive heart attack. . No tomorrow ... no hugs ... no I love you... no good bye ... it will forever be my "what if" I'd picked her up that day ... I'll never know ...

But we can only do our best and hope we make the right decision most of the time ... l bet everyone has their "what if"  and to answer your question ... does someone dying have the last word ... well ultimately yes ... but weather that's right is down to the person, and the reason they do what they do ... life is a conundrum ... so listen to your heart and head ... and your gut feeling ... and we'll still keep fingers crossed for you both ...

Well so glad ... now I can uncross everything ... still not easy , you've a really hard road ahead ... but at least you'll have better memories then you'd have had, if you'd not tried ... 

Life is so short especially us lot on this journey. . And if there's any one who reads this thread and there's someone they love but not contacting because of the things that happen to make us fall out ... please try again ... just saying you love and miss them just maybe all they need, and forgiving the past too .. and if you get nothing back, at least you tried ... so many people we love can fall through the cracks of life .. if you love someone , just tell them .. Chrissie xx