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Weeks left to live.

MinibusMan1990
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Hi all,

I just wanted to get out what's on my mind, I've never had a good relationship with my dad, he has some form of mental disability which has caused friction between me and him since I was very young. 

He was diagnosed with oesophagus cancer last year and I found out through my mum,  I ended up going to see him and talk to him but it was still awkward with him because he has never seen me as his son or at least that's what my head is telling me through his relationship with me. His family gave him false hopes he would get rid of it but was advised through doctors it's impossible to remove it and they would offer chemo and radiation to prolong it. Chemo gave him pheumonia and he was told he wouldn't survive anymore chemo, radiation made it worse because he started having trouble eating after having it.

It skipped to just 2 months ago (1 year later)  with him still thinking he would get rid of the Cancer and he had a bad turn, he was mumbling and complaining of severe headaches that's when we was hit with worse news it had spread to his brain. I took him for radiation to see if it would reduce the size of the tumour in his head and this week just 2 weeks after the radiation I had a phone call to say he's only got a few weeks left -  he's deteriorated rapidly. 

My dad has told me two things now which have really hurt, the first being an argument broke out between him and my mum and I pleaded with him to stop arguing and that we was all here to support him, he replied with "I know my family supports me and you do to" - this was well before it spread to his brain and he was not confused. 

The second time was when he was told chemo was no longer the option he told me he hopes he makes it to see my younger brothers 30th and did not mention me at all. 

Ive never told anyone this but tonight is the first time I've cried in over a decade I'm not the type of person to show emotion, I'm 26 years old,  work full time to provide for my wife and 3 children, I have bills piling up because I am self-employed and I've taken a lot of time out of work to go see my dad, it feels it's getting to much for me and I bare to think how my mum will cope because she cares for my brother who has mental disabilities and his idol is our dad, my brother doesn't understand our dad is going to heaven but I jut know it's going to hit him hard. 

People are telling me I'm doing the right thing by making the effort and showing I'm there for him even though the relationship is broken but I feel as if he isn't even interested in me. 

Thanks for reading. 

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    Hi,

    They say that severe illness brings out the best and the worst in people and your story seems to bear this out. Whatever reason your Dad thinks he has for treating you like this won't disappear because he has cancer. People often hope that having cancer will make someone into a nicer person, often it just makes them worse.

    You've done your best for your Dad but your main concern needs to be your own family - .your wife and children need to be your main priority now. You cannot stop your Dad from dying, but you can stop your own family from suffering from economic hardship. It is so hard to get the balance right but you know how easy it is for debts to pile up and for things to spiral out of control. 

    Your Dad's death will have repercussions on your Mum and brother, but all you can do is be there to support them when he is gone. They may both surprise you and be more resilient than you imagine.

    You cannot fix this and will go mad if you try. All you can do is do your best for your family - including wife and children.

    Best wishes
    Dave

     

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    Hi there ... so sorry your dad can't see what an amazing son he has ... I too fell out with my son bout 5 years ago (due to nasty wife who wanted me out his life, long story) and when they split up last year thought I might have a mirical of seeing him again ... while in hospital having my masectomy I looked at the ward door just hoping he may walk through as I know he knew what and where I was ...

    If only he'd have done just a fraction of what you did, it would have meant the world to me ... I still believe in mirricals  ... and will never give up hope ... you should hold your head up high and he may not apprisiate you but as a mother, i would be so proud to have a son like you  

    My ex doesn't have much to do with both our sons and the only thing I feel for him is sad ... he also hasn't got a clue as just how amazing they both are ... so now may be time you look after your heart and sure your mum will need you later an your brother and bet they will see just how wonderful you are ... 

    Big hug xx

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Chriss,

    That's so sad. Track him down and make the first move. 

    Cheers

    Dave - #nothingtolose/somuchtogain! 

  • Offline in reply to davek

    Your e mail made me laugh so much  Bless ya ... wish I could but at 63 I'm not strong enough for another regection ... his ex wife sure did a good job of putting lies in his head ... he had A D H D growing up and has had a few psycho partners in his life and he's had such a hard ride through life , but I am so very proud of how he's come out of it Hopefully one day he will know just how much I love him ... but my other son is close to him and he lets me know how he's doing .. he has a beautiful 13 year old daughter who I adore and miss .. he's found a lovely lady who adores him (and not a psycho lol) so he's in a good place .... 

    any ways hope your feeling little better ... keep strong and remember ... YOUR BRAVER THEN YOU THINK ... STRONGER THEN YOU IMAGINE .... LOVED MORE THEN YOU KNOW ... Just give your little ones lots of hugs as they grow so fast   ...  regards chrissie

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    Hi guys,

    Thanks for the advice first of all, I was contacted Wednesday with a call to say it's no longer weeks, it's a few days, then Thursday his GP came out to check on him - who then told us it will be the next day.

    I stayed there with him forgetting completely about my bills, my wife supported me through the whole thing, he passed Friday morning and it was such a horrible experience to witness.

    I tried hugging him close to the end by he pushed me away, I didn't let this get to me as by this time he was fighting himself wanting to get out of bed.

    He did not want to die and was frightened of going, the nurse explained his brain was still aware as to why he wouldn't settle and needed reassuring he was going to get better if he slept, he eventually slept then passed in his sleep but had a tear come from his eye shortly before and a little smile right before he left us.

    I held his hand as his pulse got weaker with my mum next to me and his mum on the other side, gave him a kiss as he passed then went upstairs to reassure my brother that our dad has gone to a better place and that he will always be around.

    As i have never had a good relationship with him I thought I wouldn't be effected but it was a traumatic experience for me. I have done nothing but cry to the realisation I will never be able to speak to him ever again but everybody has told me I've done him proud.

    I'm glad he's in a much better place, pain free.

  • Offline in reply to MinibusMan1990

    My heart goes out to you ... I'm glad you got to say good bye ... there's no words that can ease your pain at the moment but from someone who's lost their mum and dad my thoughts are with you and just maybe his tear was for you too ... look after your kind heart in the days to come and know it's normal to have lots of different emotions ... big hug xx hope you keep in touch as putting down your feelings here may ease things slightly , bless your heart ️ 

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