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Seaweedfreak
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After 35 years nursing I find myself facing losing my dad. It's really only been the last 2 years that he has not been so well. However the lung cancer has come out of the blue.

I need to be his daughter not his nurse. 

Right now I can't stop the tears. 

Facing losing him in the near future is so painful

 

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    Hi Seaweedfreak,

    I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I lost my mum to cancer in 1997 and I still miss her every day. She started off with breast cancer and survived that for 12 years. Her last year was very upsetting for us all and we felt pretty useless most of the time because there was so little we could do to ease her suffering. In the latter stages she developed cancer of liver, lungs and brain and it was heart-breaking to see her deteriorate so quickly.

    As a nurse you probably know too much about this awful disease. It is quite different “to be his daughter and not his nurse”. You may struggle with it, but I’m sure that you can do it.

    Try not to dwell on the prognosis, but take each day as it comes and try to make some pleasant memories together while he is well enough to do this. Do you have any family support or are you on your own with this? Just concentrate on keeping him as comfortable as possible.

    Letting the tears flow freely is one of the best release valves for stress, so don’t dry them up – let them flow copiously while your dad is not around to see them.

    Are there any plans for further treatment or is it just a case of palliative care?

    Remember that we are here to support each other and we are happy to take you and your dad into our fold whenever you want to chat.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

  • Offline in reply to Jolamine
    Hi jolamine I'm too a nurse of 15 years, and it's right, we have to be partners and NOT the nurse in all of this. But it's hard to separate the two roles I find. Esp with the knowledge we have! Regarding the disease itself, the management/treatment and outcome. It's my fella that has advanced stomach cancer and yes iv also said to myself "even surely I should of picked up on his symptoms much sooner but nor did his consultants".....if U ever feel the need to chat, private message me xx
  • Offline in reply to Gemini23

     

    Hi Gemini.

    Don’t torture yourself because you missed your fella’s symptoms. It is often a case of the shoemaker’s wains. I know that when I finish a hard day’s work and I arrive home to be told that something is wrong with my hubby it’s the last thing I want to deal with. My hubby jokes that if he wants anything done he needs to make an appointment. I’m not really as bad as that!

    He developed pneumonia following surgery a few years ago and, like you, I missed it completely. If the district nurse hadn’t come in that day ad picked up on it I dread to think what would have happened.

    It must be difficult for you coping with your fella’s problems. This is a case where too much knowledge doesn’t help you at all. As you rightly say, it is not easy to separate the two roles, but I’m sure that you’ll manage to.

    I am quite happy for you to private message me if you want to talk.

    Take care and stay strong.

    Jolamine xx

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    Hello Seaweedfreak. I am so sorry to hear your sad news. I lost my mum to stomach cancer 5 years ago and I still miss her but it does get better with time, I promise. I was trying to look after my 92 year old dad who had early dementia and deal with my mum's passing as well and it wasn't easy. Now my husband has advanced prostate cancer which has spread to his bones and he has 3 years if he is lucky. I am faced with the prospect of life without him too.Dealing with his emotions takes its toll on me . Take each day as it comes, enjoy one another's company. Don't try to keep it bottled up, let the tears go, it's better out than in. One lesson I have learned is to let others help and not to take on everything yourself. You need to take care of yourself too. As a nurse you have seen it all I expect but you are never prepared when it affects you personally. Remember that you are not alone and it helps to talk. I find talking to other people in the same situation does help although it is a good idea to get away now and again to take a breather from everything. I hope this helps. 

    With all good wishes.

    Gill1954

     

     

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