how long?

Hi, can anyone help me please? My husband is near the end, but how near is unclear. They tell us it could be a month or more, but i am desperatly worried that i will be out somewhere, shops, hairdressers, picking my daugher up, the usual stuff and it will happen and i wont be with him. I would find it very hard to forgive myself if i wasnt by his side at that moment. He is not eating, drinking a little, very confused, weak and plucking/brushing at invisible lint on his pyjamas. He also gently waves his hands in the air as though he is trying to grasp something that isnt there. I know these are all end of life behaviours, but are the specialists right to estimate months? Or am i going to go out and come back and find him gone? I need to know. I wont leave his side if is very soon and i can make all the family aware if we know the end is imminent. I am embaressed to ask the specialists anymore because i feel as though it sounds like i am being impatient. I keep telling his sons that it will be some time and not to panic, but what if i am wrong and they are not with him, they will never forgive me either. My husbands behaviour today has worried me. Please can anybody give me some answers?

 

  • Hi there, 

    I'm sorry to hear about your husband. I lost my dad to cancer a little over 2 weeks ago and I was with him at the end. A few days before his passing he was sleeping all the time, unable to regain conscious. He was very very weak, could not eat or drink due to being unconscious. I know that losing consciousness is a common symptom when things are changing, so we managed to move him to a hospice where he peacefully passed in his sleep. 2 days before he passed, we got told that it would be between 1 and 3 weeks but they were wrong.

    Although I unfortunately cannot give you answers, I would advise you to be with him as much as possible, especially if he becomes very sleepy. I know it is hard as your life must go on - as a family we made sure that someone was with my dad all the time.

    I hope this helps and I hope you are doing okay x 

  • Thank you Georgie, your reply helps a lot. I am on a knife edge and have been since August 2014 when they told us he had anyhing from 3 months to 3 years. Everyone tells you to manage day to day and take each day as it comes and enjoy the moment etc etc etc. I know they mean well, but when each day is tougher than the last and the moments are awful too, it is impossible to relax and enjoy the time you have. I agree with you, i know my husband (only 55) and there is a change in him. I think the doctors and palliative team do their best but know one really can say. I have to trust my instincts and plan for round the clock care and share my concerns with his family. Thank you so much for replying, it is always so kind when someone who is grieving will share something so personal with a stranger. Best wishes. X