Hi Matthew, I'm sorry to hear about your dad and welcome to the forum. Don't be ashamed, you've just been dealt a big blow. You need to try and put the feelings into little boxes, ie the here and now, the future, don't start grieving before it's happened. Your dad is still here now so make every moment count with the time you have left. You don't have to say anything, just be there. The night my dad passed away I sat and watched strictly holding hands with him, I never knew what was going to happen that night as he'd only just been diagnosed. Your mum and sister will be feeling the same as you, you're not alone. Be strong for each other, just be there. Don't pressure yourself in to being strong, you don't have to be. I use to contain myself (more or less) when at my parents then be an emotional wreck the rest of the time. I never had the weeks and months of torture with my dad, just 3 days between diagnosis and passing, those 3 days were torture having to imagine life without my dad, friend and neighbour not around anymore.  I hope you find the strength to go and see him and be there for him. Take care

Hi Matthew, 

So sorry you're going through this with your father. I can sympathise with you because my father has incurable bowel cancer which has spread to his lungs and liver he was diagnosed 11 months ago and we are now facing whether there's much else they can offer him. I don't think there's a wrong or right way dealing with bad news like this I just think we have to let ourselves be and if we want to cry or scream then allow ourselves to. I really don't think your family are expecting you to say anything I'm sure their lost for words too. I don't think any word quite cuts it or explains how we feel inside. Give yourself some time but also make sure you see your Dad and support your mum and sister through this awful time. Time is very precious and it should not be wasted. You aren't selfish for thinking about how you will feel once he's passed, it's only natural to think this way. Your life has been turned upside down and your having to learn how to adapt to these changes and prepare yourself for what's to come. You'll find strength inside you that you never knew existed and this will help you cope. Don't rush yourself, it takes time. Take a deep breath and go see your family create those precious memories, take some photos, say everything you want say and ask everything you want to ask. I'm sure your Dad doesn't want to see any of you fall apart, he will probably take great comfort from knowing his family are supporting one another and are trying to stay strong. 

Big hugs. 

Matthew,

What you are feeling is quite common - just don't stay away too long or he could die without ever seeing you again which would make you feel far worse than you do now.

There is a grieving process that we all need to go through, this doesn't just apply after someone dies but kicks in far earlier. Somehow you need to get to a place psychologically where you can accept that your Dad is going to die quite soon and that there is othing you can do to prevent that. Once you are there, you will be able to help support your Dad and the rest of your family through this.

I speak from experience here. When my Mum died of cancer my Dad, sister and myself all managed to accept the situation which made my Mum's passing easier for her and for us (we were at her bedside when she died). Not everyone in our family had reached that point and they felt awful when they realised they'd not had chance to say their final goodbyes.

Good luck
Dave 

Matthew - I understand how you feel. Most of my family has died from this and now I don;t have long. I have learned that withdrawing yes saves you some pain now but makes it worse after they are gone. I regreted every moment I chose to withdraw instead of spend with them while they were here. When I didn't withdraw yes it hurt but there werent the life long regrets... I don't know if this has helped... but it is what I have found with my family members.