Hi, I cant answer for you as it's your dsughter and you must do what you think is right for her.  But I can tell you what I did when my husband died and two of my children were 2 1/2 and 5.

Whilst he was in hospital (ten weeks) I didnt discuss it with them only to say daddy wasnt well and would be home soon.  When he died I told the 5 year old he had to leave to go to heaven and she was very accepting for about 6 months when she had a meltdown and we talked for hours.  She is 36 now and still talks of her father, as we all do, but is accepting.  The younger one, I felt, was much too young to understand and when she asked was just told the minimum.  As she got older we explained more, showed her pictures and tried to recall memories.  She is 34 now and says because she was so young she has no memory of her father but holds him in her heart, very dearly. Neither were taken to the funeral as I, personally, did not think it appropriate.

I know that this is probablynot what you would do, but it worked for me.

Hi Pleasestop.   Welcome to the forum and sorry to hear about your Aunts illness. I think what Pauline has said is really appropriate for a 3yr old and agree wholeheartedly regarding a funeral. If you dont mind me saying - you dont seem to have come to terms with the death of your grandads and this seems to still be affecting you badly - which in turn is making your Aunts prognosis even more difficult for you to cope with.  The fact that your Mum deals with things the way she does (texting you when you are sitting next to her???!!!) has also left you with no guidelines of how to deal with difficult situations in a mature way.

Where your daughter is concerned - your own problems seem to be making you overreact about the way she will cope about her great-aunt's passing.  You say she barely knows her and I presume that they do not have a close relationship.  To be honest, personally I think there is no point in mentioning it to your daughter at all if this is the case - and certainly not to sit her down and try to explain.  A three-year old is not going to understand the concept of death.  My God-daughter is 6yrs old and  when she sometimes mentions that I am poorly or knows that I have been in hospital (I dont hide these things from her), I simply say that I am poorly and the doctors are trying very hard to make me comfortable so i dont have any pain.  I tell her that sometimes people get so  poorly and that they go and live in Heaven with God because he has special powers and can make them better  - so they stay there with him because he can keep them well.  She just kind of listens then carries on with whatever she is doing.  I really wouldnt keep bringing it up with my Godchild because I think that could lead to worries that she doesnt need, and she is three yrs older than your daughter!

I honestly would suggest that you maybe visit Cruse or McMillan and deal with your own insecurities and maybe ask them for the best way to deal with your daughter questions if she mentions your Aunt when she has passed.  Please realise that your Aunt may still live for quite a few months to come and I feel strongly that it would be wrong to worry your daughter with all this at this stage. I have cancer in many places - including my brain - and am still alive almost four years after being told I would be dead within 6 months.  Please do not assume your Aunt's death is imminent.

Good luck with everything - let us know how you are getting on when you have a moment. Your daughter has years ahead of her to learn the realities of life - please dont fill her innocent little mind with doom and gloom long before she needs this. Your Aunt is not part of her life at the moment from what you say - so just leave it that way x 

Hi

I am sad to read of your Aunt's journey with cancer and how difficult you are finding coping with the way  your Mum is dealing with this (not talking directly with you) and also what to say to your young daughter.

I am a Mum and a Granny and the grandchildren were 6 and just turned 1 when my husband died. Neither children attended the funeral (not a necessity to put them through something they would find difficult to understand) and this also allowed my daughter to grieve for her Dad.  We certainly explained my husband's illness to the eldest grandson as and when he asked questions (he was 3 at terminal diagnosis) as he became aware.  Both boys were allowed to visit my husband (he died at home after they had left to go home to bed) and he enjoyed watching them play. Nearly a year on we are still answering questions for the 7 year old honestly - Grandad is a new star in the sky - and the now 2 year old recognises his grandad in photo's because we talk about him with ease.

I hope you can get support for yourself (its never too late to get bereavement counselling for those you have lost) and you will know your own child the best so do trust your instincts.  Take care Jules54