Hi Jules,

Yes I have some roses coming out in the front garden too - amazing!!

I'm off to see a Pink Floyd tribute band tonight, with some friends, with dinner thrown in, so will see.

Gently remind hubby that this is his time whether it's as he'd like it or not - he mustn't waste it.  You don't get a second run at it!  Make every day count.  (I know you have an uphill struggle with this but he must try for your sake as much as his own).

Lots of virtual love and a have a good weekend too.

Ian xxx

Hi Ian

Thanks so much for your kind words and you are, of course, right (think this has been the major cause of my frustration which is not fair to take out on him, though I try not to of course).  We had a couple of light-hearted moments yesterday (just thinking back on them now makes me tearful - how silly is that!!).

Hope you had a great night out.  Pink Floyd tribute band  - hope they were good but I am sure the socialising is something we all need. We are having my sister in law to dinner tonight so I am now off to prepare the veg!!  (In passing yesterday I did tell my husband that he needs training in housework (cheekily of course) and he took it well. Watch this space.

Take care and thanks again for being a virtual friend - this forum is a real lifeline.  kindest thoughts. Jules x

Hi Jules

...and thank you for being such a good virtual friend back.  I don't know how I would cope if it wasn't for this site to keep me sane!!

I have to say the tribute band were excellent and it was good to go out with some friends.  But back to the chores now: it's Saturday ~ I'm stripping the bed and turning the mattress today!  Yep, I reckon hubby and the housework would be a good start .

Have a nice dinner tonight. Speak soon.

Hugs

Ian x

Hi Annabel

Nice to hear from you - and no, I don't think you are being nosey!!

The new-build is one of the biggest disasters - a project manager who couldn't manage a project to take the skin off a rice pudding.  The build has gone horrendously over-budget (some the builders fault, some mine) and I have been cleaned out.  I am sure when Ian decided a new, maintenance-free build would be best for me he didn't contemplate me starving to death from lack of grocery money!!  Neither of my properties in my current town had sold until just days ago when our workshop building did go "unconditional" and that has made a big difference to my stress levels.

Being alone, making decisions, second-guessing them the minute things go wrong is just awful to be honest.  I long to be past all this crushing sadness and helplessness.... and yet that will mean Ian's "living days" will be long behind me too - and I can't bear for that to be happening, even though it is.

As you can probably tell, I am "one messed up lady."  I was so happily half of a couple.  Most of the time I LOATHE being the one left behind.  But sometimes, just for a moment or two, even sometimes for hours I have a lovely time.

I would start a thread "Thoughts on the Being Left Alone Process" but I think I would scare the **** of most people.

Lorraine

I have spent the last few days trying to think if I have got any particular brilliant strategy that I could pass on to you, Ian, or people like us.  I can't think of any one thing that helps.

I do include Ian, his opinions, thoughts, preferences in every conversation.  I don't know if it makes people uncomfortable - but actually I don't care.  It helps me to acknowledge he was alive and vibrant and had hopes and dreams and opinions until such a short time ago.  And I do cry or get teary a lot!! And I think that's good.  An elderly friend who was widowed five days before me can't cry - hasn't ever.  She's having counselling but she still won't let go and yet she adored her Jim.  My crying will come from nowhere for the oddest reasons - I see an elderly couple and think "we'll never be an elderly couple together" and I cry.  I pass a photo on the wall of a laughing Ian and the silence of my home without him overwhelms me.  Needless to say every "man task" is beyond me at first and I wail with missing his wonderful DIY skills.  On and on it goes...

But that "in the moment" thing is probably the best tool I have.... that and just getting out of bed in the morning and trying to plod through the day, taking a laugh or light moment wherever I can and enjoying it.

I think the months roll by faster than the grief rolls off us - but I think too that's a compliment to our "adored ones."  Wouldn't it be sad if we had bounced back into fun and laughter and the complete absence of grief months ago.  Ian deserves to be grieved for - he was a wonderful man.  And Debbie deserves to be grieved for too.  And all the other loved and adored partners, children, parents too.

All the best.

Lorraine

Hi Lorraine,

Well your last sentence has me laughing. You always were a gutsy lady.!!!!!

Having been through a big build but with my partner(now my husband) I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you.

We finished our build in June 2008 just at the downturn of world markets and we were just starting our holiday cottage business.

We went over budget (as most seem to) and ended up having to take out a small mortgage. with hindsight would I do it again? No. A simpler life could have been had and although there are many aspects of the job I love I do worry what will happen if one of us dies. I really don't think I could run the business with out my dearest husband.

As you have said Ian wouldn't have forseen you starving and I am so glad you have sold one of your other properties. Stress levels from worry of finances is one of those that keeps you awake at night which then ruins your day. One of the biggest problems you have probably felt is not having Ian there to make decisions with you.  You can only do your best with what info you have at any one time Lorraine so your decisions are as good as that info.

And if you do start that thread I'll be reading even if you do scare the **** off me.

take care for now

hugs

Annabel. xx

XXX

Hi Lorraine,

Thanks for the thoughts.  I agree "the months" do "seem to roll past faster than the grief rolls off" ~ very true ~ and our loved one's do need to be grieved ~~ yet we must also move on too and it seems this is what is hard to enable.

Those who have been here before all seem to tell me: 'Give it two years', but I don't want to waste two years going seemingly sideways at best - although I am almost half way there!!  This doesn't seem right to me; even if it probably is! ... Yet, I don't know about you Lorraine, but just now and then I get a glimpse of what a future might contain, so it is out there, I guess.  I just can't replace a life-time with a new life that easily; even if I wanted to - which I not sure I do yet (?)

This all sounds very confused.  I think I want a new purpose and order that I don't have at the present. I guess it's all about exploring this New World we are in - with an open mind -  until it is possible to make some sense of it.  But it is difficult to 'Find Yourself' when the environment is so changed.  It is in many ways so different.  I just carry on, or try to, as normal: on a day-to-day basis.  Yet I know this is, in part, to avoid facing the enormity of the future in the context of the clarity of what I had previously known.

I hope X-mass brings us both some comfort... and helps us move on.

On a positive note:  Today I cut some berried holly from the end of my garden and put it in some of my windows: it's a start of sorts.....

Lots of virtual hugs

Ian x

Hi Jules,

Just read your thread. As you have lots of respondents there I thought I'd respond here!  (I hope you see it?)

I understand your sense of panic.  I still find that I am surprisingly fragile after all this time and remember how I was before.  All the time things are going well I can cope quite well, but when the smallest of things goes array, I find I breakdown alarmingly quick! ... I know you want everything to go smoothly ... but do take time out to breath... You really must.  Not only 'me time' but time doing nothing too.  Please, really do pace yourself or you will burn up emotionally.  I have been there....

Lots of love and kind thoughts

Ian xx

Morning Ian

Thank you so much for your kind words/thoughts.

  After the first hour out of feeling a bit strange being 'away' from work/home stresses, I really enjoyed a very relaxing day with my friend.  We had no particular plans other than to wander around and have lunch.  In fact we had a  bit of fun  trying on/looking at designer clothes we would never be able to afford (no wonder the shops were already in sale mode - still well out of our league pricewise though).  We had coffee and cake during the morning and a lovely Indian meal.  Also managed to fulfil my Mum's Christmas shopping which I had  not planned and my friend was equally happy as she did her shopping too.  Somehow always seem to find things when not under pressure - now I really can relax during December. (in theory anyway)!!!  We found we had even more in common when we got back home (she sent me a text) - the day's washing up was waiting in the sink - obviously far too late to teach old dogs new tricks.

Back to the grind today (on very little sleep again but still feeling much better) and looking forward to a social weekend as its our grandson's 5th birthday on Friday with his party on Sunday.

Take care Ian and wishing you a peaceful week and thanks so much for your continued support. vrtual hugs  Jules  xx