Glad you have a couple of weeks to recharge  your batteries Annabel and am sure you will enjoy your day out with friends even if you have to do the driving.  You do exactly what I do regarding children's gifts (checked in with my daughter and son in law before  opting for clothes/money. With both our grandson's now having birthdays a couple of months before Christmas, giving  money for the bank accounts means they can use the funds through the year for little treats.  Let's face it the baby will not have a clue what's going on this year!!  Fingers crossed you manage the Christmas shopping too (half the battle is knowing what to buy).  Last year I decided to save £2 coins (with only a small salary I dont find it easy to put money away regularly) to help with this year's shopping.  Imagine my delight when I counted my money box  and found over £200. So weighed down I managed to get most of the gifts/cards/paper and only have the monetary gifts left to organise.  I think because I work in retail I hate to do the shopping in December (too cream-crackered after work shift to then drag myself round more shops !!!) so set my sights on finishing the pressie buying by end of November).  Then I enjoy December (especially this year as we are all at my sister in laws and I do  not have to cook for 3 days (providing I do not have to work Boxing Day and so far its looking as though I may have it off (will work Christmas Eve instead which this year falls on my usual day off) so am keeping my fingers crossed as then we can go on Christmas Eve (early evening) and join the rest of the family.

Today am planning a quiet one with hubby though once he is up (usually around 10, I can get the housework done upstairs - how exciting.

Have a good day.Sending virtual hugs.  Chat again soon. Jules x

Good morning Lorraine,

Having read your posts in the past I have often wondered how you are doing.

I was sorry to hear you've had some really difficult times, with everything that could go wrong going wrong.

The last I remember was that you were keeping an eye on your newbuild. Has that been finished? are you in the new home??

Sorry if I sound nosey, but was just interested in how you have got on with it.

I cannot believe it's seven and a half months since Ian passed away.

Mind you I cannot believe it's nearly a year since I was given my diagnosis.

I hope things get better for you and wish you well

best wishes

Annabel.

Hi Lorraine,

Thank you so much for your post.  I lost Debbie in January this year and so I guess we are on very similar paths: the process of moving on to somewhere - somewhere without them.  Yet it has to be done.  As I stated above, I guess I am, in part, coping by abstracting Deb when I talk about her - leaving the 'being' out of her. This does make it easier - for me.  The other strategy I find myself trying is when I suddenly feel weepy or tearful to remind myself I have plenty of time in which to cry - I don't need to do it all now.  I can spread it out.  This I find sometimes helps.

Do you Lorraine have any particular strategy for coping that might be of help to me or others too?

Lots of kind thoughts and virtual hugs

Ian

Hi Jules,

I hope your day stayed close to plan yesterday and was restful.  You certainly have a busy weekend period to come!  I did in deed have a great day with my sister, brother-in-law and nieces.  My sister and one daughter took Jack out for an extended walk and I (on my guitar), my brother-in-law (on his piano) and my other niece (on her flute) had a bit of a blues jamming session certainly which was fun.  Got home stuffed and tired!

Now back to the mundane: another week to negotiate.

Lots of virtual love

Ian xx

Hi All,

Spent this evening tackling the thorny issue of writing X-mass cards!!  Something we always did together .  It's just not the same alone! ..... I haven't finished but got the majority done and the foreign ones especially.  The process has left me feeling a bit cheated to be honest though.  Cheated of something we shared and should still be sharing.  Cheated for Debbie as she could have reasonably expected so much more of life than she was allowed .... I cry for her loss as much, if not more, than for mine own.

Peaceful dreams everyone.

Ian x

Hi Ian

Lovely to read that you  had a good time with the relatives at the weekend and yes, I had a relaxing day as apart from a bit of housework did pretty much nothing other than read, write or watch tv.  Hubby was on a 'sleepy' day so it was very quiet too!!

After work on Monday my daughter and the baby came to pick me up from work (she was meeting a friend in town earlier in the day) and my hubby picked up the eldest grandson from school so that we did not have to rush back so we spent about an hour wondering the shops (she was looking for inspiration for gifts).  We got home and played with her eldest (connect 4 and tiddlywinks being favoured at the moment) and then we gave him tea before they went home. Made a change doing this on a weekday.

I see from your later post that you have moved into the realms of tackling Christmas cards and the obvious heartache that comes in dealing with yet another usually 'shared' occasion. To have had such a wonderful partnership cruelly cut short  is something I am not 'qualified' to understand other than by 'association '.  When my Dad passed away I watched my Mum go through the motions just as you are doing now. At the time I could not get my head around the fact that she 'just carried on as she had before and wrote them all in one go' (as I still do!!).  I asked her how she felt leaving Dad's name off  and her only answer was  'that's life and its more important that the living are remembered'.    I now add her name to our cards as she no longer writes much but despite her mental health ups and downs she still finds time for the odd wise words. Its a strange mixed up personality  my Mum deals with - a very caring mind when dealing with others but no longer wishing to be around for herself. Another 'battle of the mind'.

Take care of yourself Ian, sending hugs and kind thoughts for a peaceful day.  Jules x

Hi Jules,

You certainly have your hands full with hubby, your Mum and the children/grandchildren!  Happy days in many ways.  For this, you are very lucky: it's small children that make X-mass really exciting.

Whilst I have started writing X-mass cards, presents seem a much larger mountain to climb.  Debbie not only did this for us in the past - even last year albeit largely via Internet! - she did it so positively, enjoyed it and was always so thoughtful on what she brought!!  My mind just very rarely works that way.  I think I will be going minimalist this year; on a need to basis.  I suppose I should sit down and do the list thingy, with tick boxes beside peoples names?  Mm bereavement is as much to do with coping with normality - making life-structures continue as expected - as coping with personal emotions.  The first just requires a brave face and getting on with it: stoically if necessary.  The latter is somewhat more irrational!

Have a great Wednesday,

Kind X-mass types thoughts to you.

Ian xxx

Hi Ian

You are so right when you say Christmas is for the children though have to say when we all get together its hard to distinguish the difference as our grown up kids love it just as much and my sister in law carries on her family's old fashioned Christmas too.  We have a treasure hunt on Christmas Eve and usually mulled wine on arrival.  We are lucky we all enjoy this time together as we do not see each other that much during the year (strange when you think we are all within an hours drive of each other) but shift work and other commitments alway seem to interfere - no doubt this will be a regret for them in years to come!

Have to say that all the card and present buying wrapping has always been my domain (hubby probably would never bother unless I did it though I do try and tell him what I get everyone so that hes in the know).  Our children know what hes like and often say ' would you like to see what you bought us' which raises a laugh every year!   I suppose its a case of having to manage your time and dealing with it on a daily basis is hard enough but am thinking this is a very hard time of year emotionally for all those who have lost.  My Mum has got it down to a fine art this year - she informed me yesterday (good visit) what to get and where to get it for various members of the family and then produced the wrapping paper and sellotape (she went to the local shop with her duty carer) for me to take home with me to 'do the necessary' and then told me not to forget to label them. I left with a smile on  my face and felt about 10yrs old again (she also told me I needed a haircut).

Be kind to yourself Ian and let your emotions give you some release during the coming days.  Virtual hugs and peaceful thoughts are sent your way.  Jules xx

Thanks Jules,

Makes me think (God forbid) if things were reversed for you how would your hubby have coped with X-mass? !

I think X-mass for me, this year, is obviously going to be difficult: Debbie was admitted into the Hospice two days before X-mass last year, in some considerable discomfort - leaving our home for the very last time!

But with the New Year approaching it is a time for looking forward.  My life with Deb died with her in January: I had been and become for that life.  I now need to decide: What do I want to 'be and become' in the future ~ and it's a tricky one still.

Virtual hugs and peaceful thoughts returned to you

xxx

Hi Ian

Not sure anyone can really know how someone would cope in specific circumstance but as far as my hubby is concerned he would probably let the rest of the family do it for him (he has always left Christmas organisation (or any home related stuff for that matter) to us as he was nearly always away on business at this time of year (often only getting home a couple of days before Christmas - on year it was Christmas Eve and we were almost holding our breath).  I think this is why he is so down now that he is home 24/7 - its his  new world which he is not  enjoying very much.

Hope all is okay with you and that  you have a peaceful weekend.  Pretty cold here but at least it is dry and we still have rose opening in the garden despite the frost which is amazing for this time of year.

Virtual hugs and take care. Jules