Hi Jules, thanks for your congrats re the cottages.

I have to say I am absolutely exhausted now at this end of the season, and after the inspection.

I didn't even get across the Pennines early yesterday, so only had a bit of time to do shopping, however got Ava's Christmas present, most important.

Aok at the hospital and she's given me an early appointment in February so if it's icey it will be easier at midday to drive over the 66.

Managed to buy the staffs Christmas presents too. Always buy them a diary(Cancer research this time!!)  but they will be getting a cash bonus inside the diary.

Hope you and yours are all good. Speak soon

Annabel.xx

Morning Ian,

I have read this part of your thread a few times now and I suppose living in the moment is a coping startergy, and I suppose it's a good one.

Otherwise you might not have been in a state to help Debbie. I don't know, it's just a thought.

How are you today Ian?

My hospital visit went well, even to the point of a gentleman gave me his parking ticket as I arrived.

Had a pleasant dinner with my parents on the way home. Got home about 9pm.

Got so many jobs to do today don't know where to start. He ho.

off to work I go.

Speak soon.

Annabelxx.

Hi Annabel,

A cold but bright clear morning

I am so glad to hear your hospital visit went well.  So more smiles all round .

Yes the living in the moment was the only way Debbie (We) were able to cope: it was a coping strategy.  It was the only way Deb found to give meaning to her existence as the illness progressed.  The shocking thing about a terminal illness - for Deb and many - is coming to terms with not having a future.  For Deb this included realizing she would never get close to 60 years of age; she would not be the 'little old granny' she had always sort of dreamed of being; nor see her garden grow further, and the most heart-shattering of all recognition that she was not going to see any of her grandchildren be born. This to Debbie - as someone who had been adopted as a baby - had real significance beyond explanation!  It thus became hard for her to consider a future that would not include her - its a tough one I imagine many on here have had to face and I know how really tough it is.

Similarly, Deb found dwelling on the past difficult too.  She was immensely proud of what she had achieved and the things we had done but found it hard to think too much about them as she knew she could not: (a) do them again, or (b) add similar quality experiences and memories to them.  This left us with valuing 'living the moment'.  It is something , as Deb stated, should be valued by everyone who is not terminally ill more than we do - we all take it for granted.  It's a bit like the Charlie Brown cartoon of forgetting to smell the flowers as you walk by!  For in the end its not the 'ends' that matter so much as the 'means to the ends' - the process of living each day.  Lennon hit the problem on the head when he said words to the effect of : life is what happens while we are planning other things.  Staying in the moment was all we had for certain and so we - for 18 months as it turned out to be - really focused on getting everything we could out of each moment - by focusing on being in it and aware of it.  Appreciating every thing that we could see, feel and do for as long as we could.  From the wind and changing sky, to just being pleasant and reasonable to people we met - appreciating your friends and acquaintances for who they are.

This has left me a legacy of being far more appreciative of living than I was before.  The only down side for me was when Debbie was gone, I had made no plans for my future!  As I could not contemplate it, while she was alive, or be drawn from my total support of being in the moment with her - whether we were together or apart!  This was initially quite unsettling.  But, to be fair, I could not really have planned for my bereavement! - it's too predictably structured yet individually unique for that, I believe.

Better get off and get some housework done.

Have a great weekend.

virtual hugs and kisses

Ian xx

Hi Ian,

Have just finished reading your thought provoking response to Annabel (and I will admit to having tears in my eyes).  You words just rang so true about how we should make the most of the moment we are in as no one knows how long we will be here.  Have to admit I  have felt selfish in wanting to make mini-plans for the near future (hoping we can enjoy them together whilst we still have the opportunity). Considering my hubby is approaching 2yrs since his terminal diagnosis (he has never been given a timescale as it can vary so much from person to person and he now wishes he had never found out that it was terminal as I think this has altered his whole way of thinking about life in general), we are I suppose just plodding on.  I cannot put myself in your position in reality (though am sure thats what my sleepless nights are sometimes caused by - the what ifs).

Just wanted to send you peaceful thoughts and virtual hugs for the coming days.  Jules x

Hi Annabel

Suspect you had overdone it in readiness of the inspections but  you have been truly rewarded. How long do you have to recuperate before the new season begins?  Shame you did not get as much shopping done as you wouldhave liked but as you said the important present for  your grand-daughter Ava is sorted - can I ask what you bought her?  I  bought the two grandsons clothes (Debenhams had a great sale and I could not resist!!) - hoodie for the 5yr old and jumper for Zack (just turned 1 month -where does the time go!!).  Take care and hope you have a peaceful weekend (and more restful)  Jules x

Thanks Jules,

I cried whilst I was writing it.

Have a great Sunday.  I'm off to see my sister, brother-in-law and my nieces in Horsham.

Lots of kind thoughts and love.

Ian xx

Hi Jules,

I think you are absolutely right that I might have overdone it a bit but then I look back over the last year and with the cancer diagnosis, the 2 ops, recovery and then slap bang into this years season it didn't really stop. Now It quietens down until Christmas and New Year, our busiest time of year. So the fact that I am taking longer to get going in the mornings is just one of those things for now.

I know what you mean about where does the time go, Ava was 2 months old this week.!! I couldn't believe it when I realised the date. I bought a toy that goes in the bath and makes bubbles (it also makes a number of noises.!!!)  I saw one on ebay and discussed it's suitability with daughter then found it in toy shop.Am off over there again on Tuesday to take local friends there for a day out , as I know the way I am driving. Hope to get more Xmas shopping done this time. It will be here before we know it.

Anyway have a great weekend and hope all your family are in good form.

hugs

Annabel. xx

Hello there Ian,

Well what a wonderful reply. Thank you for that and like our Jules I was rather touched by what you said and also rather in awe of another Mr Wordsmith. My husband is known to be a bit of a Mr Wordsmith by a large group of friends. Me on the otherhand know what I want to say but do not necessarily have the ability to put it in the right way. I have to say there were a number of times when I felt that maybe I should give up writing on here as I felt I wasn't doing any good. I decided to persevere and I am glad I did . I have made some lovely friends on here, tried to help people when I can and just keep up with what is happeneing with others.

What strongly comes over from your posting is just how together you and Debbie were.I think you must have had some long conversations together, and you probably both recieved a lot of comfort and satisfaction from having those conversations.

When I read your first paragraph about Debbies feelings of missing out on becoming a grandmother I so understood how she felt. I too was thinking that at the beginning of this year.I can only imagine how important it was to Debbie because of her own adoption.

However my daughter and son-in-law bless them have now obliged with little Ava. So I am very lucky.

Making plans for your future was clearly not an option when you needed to be with and there with Debbie.

Even now long term plans may be impossible so I suppose short term plans are the ones you might manage at first.

However I am sure you don't really need me to tell you this,it's just common sense.

Well I had better get myself off to bed and wish you a good night and a great weekend and I hope you managed to get your pinny off. !!!!!

Hugs to you

Annabel.xx

Hi haff1/Ian

I have just been sending a Private Message to a couple of friends on the site; the first time I've been on a site really for months.  I noticed your posting and it touched me deeply.  That's what my Ian and I did - lived utterly in the moment.  The past couldn't be changed.... the future for both of us couldn't begin to be contemplated.  When we thought Ian had maybe a month or two to live he started dictating a sort of "DIY manual" to me - how to change a light bulb, where to buy the firewood, etc.  Then he got sicker and his pain levels increased horribly.  My "alone future" was a topic neither of us could face any more and the manual was left unfinished.  His death couldn't even be contemplated by either of us, even though we had known it was coming for more than seven years.  Then the blood calcium levels refused to drop with treatment and the hospice nurse gently told Ian he had less than two weeks to live.  We were so deeply in the moment then that a huge part of my brain just refused to acknowledge what was happening before my eyes.  To the extent that I didn't even acknowledge that he was dying until he took one huge breath and stopped breathing.

And now "living in the moment" seven and a half months later is the only way I cope.  We both thought the terminal illness rollercoaster was awful.  The grieving/coping alone rollercoaster is just horrible.  Every once in a while there is a light, happy moment.  They are so few and far between.  I have had almost everything go wrong that could go wrong and I have been pushed to the brink so many times.  I don't know where my strength to plod on comes from.  From Ian perhaps??  I talk to him a lot, just in case he is with me still.  Often talking to him makes me cry, but that's OK.  Just recently I kept imagining him walking past the window on his way out to deal with chores on our farmlet.  I could see him giving me the silly little wave he had for me and blowing me a kiss.  It did my head in.... day after day.  Don't ever think grieving will be over quickly.... well at least not for a beloved soulmate/friend/partner anyway.

So yes, I agree a million percent with you, haff1/Ian.  Living in the moment makes "living with cancer" possible and sometimes (weirdly) enjoyable.  And those shared happy times make the living and grieving alone just a tiny bit easier too.  Make the best you can of every day and love life every moment!!!

Lorraine

Morning Ian

Have a great day with the relatives in Horsham.  I find this time of year is when the extra visiting starts but so far we only have two weekends which are free and one of those is directly before Christmas (usually have open house for friends to pop in for a drink and a bite so like to have no plans in place for that one anyway).  Next weekend have the sister in law coming for dinner and the weekend after its our Grandson's 5th birthday party (30 children with their parents plus our family for two hours (luckily its being held in a hall (who for a token amoutnt decorate, supply food and clear up - bliss)).  With the new baby my daughter and son in law saved hard to give their eldest a bit more of a party than usual so its really special for him. He has been really good with the new  baby and doing well at school  and is now getting exited.  Hubby and I and the other Nanny and Grandad will also be on hand to 'hold the baby when necessary so that  he can have his Mum and Dad's undivided attention.

After being out and about yesterday (me) today is planned to be quiet though an early start found me doing the quieter household jobs (dont want to annoy neighbours with the hoover too early on a Sunday(hubby sleeps through it provided I dont try and do the bedroom with him in it).  Apparently we are in for a cold spell this week so might have to dig out his thermals as sitting around even with the fire on will leave him feeling chilly.  He is doing his 'chair exercises' as suggested by his physio which hopefully will help his muscles in upper arms.  Thankfully his painkilling regime still seems to be keeping him comfortable (big assumption on my part  as having to 'read the signs' as he has never been a complainer (just silent).

Hope you have had a be of me time and wish you a peaceful week ahead (and not too many work dramas).  Virtual hugs Jules x