I did think perhaps you meant me when you said Ian but didn't want to presume

I was always the dreamer in our marriage.  I could recount dreams in great detail in the morning.  Ian very rarely dreamed - or could remember that he had perhaps.

I have dreamt of Ian only once since he died that I have recalled in the morning.  And to be honest I would rather not, if it was a repeat of that dream.  We were wrapped in each other's arms lying in bed whispering about nothing.  I felt so warm and loved and content.  And then I woke.  When I realised I was alone and it had just been a dream, it was like losing Ian all over again, it just hurt so bad.

I haven't had a dream like it since - and I don't think I could handle it if I did.  Perhaps one day dreams like that will happen again and remind me of lovely, long-gone days.  Right now, just eight months on, they would be cruel and taunt me.

Lorraine

Hi Lorraine,

Sorry again I got confused before.

Thank you for your openly, honest and difficult reply.  I am sorry if it was inappropriate to have asked?   Like your Ian, I am very rarely able to recount whether or not I've dreamt ~ and can rarely remember it, if I know I might have.  That was why the two I've had and could recollect were strange ~ leading to my question.  As you will see from my thread, like you, I am not finding this bereavement business very easy either.....I certainly go through ups and downs .... thinking I'm coping and then finding I am not, but I am trying to keep a brave face on it and be as positive as I can because that is what Debbie (and I) would have wanted and expected.  What she will never know is how very hard I am finding it to do!

Lots of virtual hugs and kisses (as I am sure there are times when you could really do with them)

Ian xx

Oh Ian

I am really sorry to have added to your painful thoughts. All this emotional turmoil is difficult for everyone involved on/around a cancer journey/loss and this forum really brings it home as to how many people are deeply suffering.  This time of year just seems to be adding to the despair so may feel. Sending wrap-around hugs (to Lorraine too if you are reading this) - no consolation I know but you are both in my thoughts.

Glad the footie went well and expect having your daughter's company was a great help too in being able to 'switch off' albeit for just a short while.I think  your Debbie would be immensely proud of your achievements so far and you are carrying her in your heart wherever you are so in a way she is unbeknowingly helping you through, though sadly thats not how you would want it to be.

Take care Jules x

Hi Jules

Thanks for that ... another week, another week.  At least Xmas ....even for me ...... does have a ring of optimism about it, and in the air ~ even if it's not coming from me!

Next Year: The new Year ~ a new beginning.  I must now focus in this New World on my future.  For the Future is really in the Present ~ and what we make of it.  As the current present is just the future unrolling into the past.  I/We mustn't waste it.  I/We must make it count.  And this is a concept I must address more fully, I think: what kind of history do I want to leave behind from now?

Kind thoughts and hugs

Ian xxx

.....Thinking on the above and Debbie's 'Thoughts..'  makes me realize however dire our situation is we all have a choice to be positive and make our world, this place, the room we are in, the environment we create: a better place, a nicer environment, a more pleasant room, a happier world to experience and be in. We just need to make the choice to do so!

..... Something to think about for the New Year?

Lots of kindnest

Ian xx

Hi Ian,

You are so right we do need to make the choice to be positive, just so very hard to do at times - especially this time of year when emotions go wild.  Life is precious and we should try to make the most of each day. I myself am hoping to be more positive in the New Year.  Hope23 x

Thanks Hope,

Me to....We always have the choice ~ but just don't make it often enough ...

Ian xx

... too much thinking!...

...be nice, think nice, do nice .... should be easy?

xxx

Ian

Am trying, honest (some would say 'very').  Sending peaceful and nice thoughts your way.Jules xx