Hi Ian,

This check up was the first time my hubby stayed dry-eyed so a certain amount of acceptance I think.  Sadly he is never going to be 'chatty' about things but now that I know thats how it has to be maybe I am more relaxed.  He has gone work today and whilst he still finds it difficult doing the 'consultant role' rather than the physical side of manufacture/engineering that he can no longer manage, I suppose its a case of his accepting thats the way it has to be whilst he is still able to work. He always said he would rather 'die in harness' than retire and I doubt that he has changed his mind on this!!  Have to say though the atmosphere at home, because I no longer talk about his illness with him, has improved amd at least his oncologist is very aware of his reticence so makes sure I have my questions answered whilst we are with her.  I just find it easier to cope with things as long as I know what is happening (when thats possible).

Hope you doing okay today an enjoying the dry weather. Best wishes and take care of yourself. Julesxx

Hi Jules,

Been busy, sorry for delayed response.... That sounds encouraging with your hubby.  He is possibly coming to terms with the issue of acceptance, albeit tentatively.

I have had staff off on holidays and so have been over active and thus got over tired!  I am off to London today to the theatre and to watch Brighton play Millwall tomorrow, so no let off....but all positive...

Today, however, I am filled with that 'sunny day sadness' that is like a faulty valve and hard to mend or escape from....

Lots of kind thoughts

Ian

Hi All,

I've been back to the start of this thread and re-read my late wife's notes again!  Was that wise?  Yes, it was.  As I am again reminded of her overwhelming positivity in the face of all things: including death.  I still find it hard to come to terms with her realism and attempt at finding joy and hope when deep down she knew and came to know how close the end was.  She was an amazing advocate and example of how to' take each day as it comes' and 'live in the moment' like there was never going to be another.

It hurts me now to see the projects around the house which I have finished, that she had started.  Projects I would never have really appreciated to now nor necessary got involved in had she been here.

Lots of hope and joy to you all and thank you for being there.

Ian x

Hi Ian

Think you showed great strength to re-visit Debbie's words of wisdom but all of us sometimes need a gentle reminder that day to day life (even when its hard)is very previous both for ourselves and others around us.

Had a lazy afternoon in the garden yesterday after tiring myself out working in it in the morning.  Today hubby feeling less tired (slept through a lot of yesterday) so we are popping to Hertfordshire to visit his older sister as its her birthday tomorrow and her car is off the road and she has no bus service to rely on. Has spent the last week getting lifts to the station in the morning (she works in London) and having to get taxi in the evening.  She will spend her birthday getting the car a new alternator!!

Sending peaceful thoughts your way and take pride in the fact that you were able to finish those jobs.Jules xx

Thanks Jules,

Have a great day in Herts.

Lots of Hearts

Ian x

Morning Ian,

Hope you had a peaceful and relaxing day yesterday.

  Spent a restful time with my sister-in-law and as brother-in-law and his wife (with 19 week old Huskie) were also over we had to give the planned restaurant meal a miss in favour of the local pub for dinner.  We were home by 10.30 and are both going into work today (would much rather be spending the day outside!!) .  To be honest I am actually feeling really tired (cant remember when I managed a full night's kip) as only managed 4hrs again last night. Really do not want to think about taking something to help but if things do not improve soon will probably mention it when I have my 'cholesterol' check in October.

Look after yourself. Jules xx

Morning Jules,

You might suggest to the doc some mild anti- anxiety tablets, not sleeping ones, as I guess your underlying issue is (most likely and understandably) hidden stress.

Ian x

Hello Jules ,What Haff1 said about meds could be the answer ,A couple of times when Tony was ill I had full on panic attacks I was tired and stressed ,my GP gave me Propranolol anti anxiety tabs they realy worked for meI still have to take them daily now ,calmed me down and dont make me sleepy during the day ,They could work for you too ,just a thought ,as you need a good nights sleep to cope with things day to day  ......Take care Jules Susananne

Hi Ian

Suspect you might be right.  Will bear it in mind when next at the surgery.  In any event, I made it through work and then went gift shopping as a few people to buy for(that cheered me up as I found all that I had set out for.  Visiting Mum tomorrow and just wish I had some news for her but nothing yet from the Social Services.  Spending a couple of hours with my daughter/grandson on Wednesday which will no doubt cheer me up a bit more.

Take care and thank  you. Jules xx