Hi just wanted all you lovely people on here to know my darling husband lost his battle with cancer on 24th November & passed away, he went very peacefully & even smiled at me twice just as he was passsing. He always thought of me even at the end wanted me to know he was ok by that smile, he,s left me with the most precious memory anyone could ever want a smiling face how lucky was I to have known him & have his love for ever. Gioux xxx

Hi Gioux,

I am so sorry to hear of your sad loss. My heart goes out to you. Thank you Gioux for letting us know but at least he passed away peacfully. What a star to smile at you not just once but twice at the end. He obviously loved you very very much, just as you did him. 

Please take care of yourself, thinking of you Brian

Hello gioux,

Thanks for taking the time to let us know about your husband. We are very sorry to hear that he has passed away and how moving that he smiled at you before passing and went peacefully. He obviously loved you very much and was grateful for all you did for him.

Our most sincere condolences from all of us at Cancer Chat. Don't hesitate to come back on the site if you want to talk to others here who have lost their soulmate. We will all be here for you if you need to talk.

Warmest wishes and thinking of you and your family in this difficult time,

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Gioux, I'm just waiting for our porridge to cook and I whizzed through my Cancerchat notifications and found your posting.  Ian became very ill overnight Sunday 25th and we went by ambulance to the regional hospice on Monday afternoon.  We only got home yesterday.  When I find the energy I will post on my discussion because it was a pretty difficult experience - the first of many to come I'm afraid. 

I would have sent you a message days ago if I'd seen your post.

I am so sorry and so sad - and yet so pleased for you.  That's the one thing I would wish when Ian passes away - a smile - I would carry that close to my heart for the rest of my life.  You must be full of every emotion possible.

Lorraine

Hi Lorraine

How is Ian doing ? so sorry to read he was taken very ill I do hope things have improved for him & you are finding the strength so carry on as I know how hard that can be. Thank-you for posting to me it means a lot people who don,t even know you can take the time to say nice kind words & make you feel better when my own family don,t.

I know I,m going to need this site more than ever now as before I always had John to talk to about things & how I felt let down my family. I,m afraid I,v been crying writing on here I very upset to night, my sister as been good since we made up & came down to be with me at the end & said she would be there for me. I may be being selfish please tell me if you think so !! I came back to my sisters for a few days beore the funeral even though I didn,t want to I understand she had to go back to work. But I asked if she & husband would stay over the weekend after the funeral so I wouldn,t be on my own to long before I went back to there house later now she as said the day before we leave for my house her husband said he wants to leave saturday instead of sunday, ( doesn,t want to leave his dad  want to see if he,s ok ) Its not like he goes to see him every day or anything I,m thinking its a excuse to leave saturday. I am really upset as I have a christmas concert in the week thats why I wanted to stay at home to go to sing for John ( he would want that as well ) & couldn,t go home with them. I,d just wanted company for the weekend then spend the days before the concert on my ow to try & be brave & get on with it. He as make me feel like he,s not going to help me if I need help as he,s already changed on this so soon I,m disapointed & very upset. Are my feelings right am I not going to get the help I need from him ???? Or am I being selfish ???

Gioux

Hi Gioux

Thanks for your reply.  Ian's bounced back yet again (but never as far as each previous time) and is quietly snoozing in front of the TV while I do some paperwork and check my emails.

I'm glad my message helped a little.

I understand completely how you had John to talk things through with.  That's how it is with Ian and me.  We are best friends, not just husband and wife.  He has often scared the life out of me over the years saying out loud what I have that moment been thinking.  To not have that communication anymore will be one of the hardest things for me to bear so I can understand how you must be feeling.

I'm so sad for you that your sister and brother-in-law didn't have the compassion to see how that transition from "shared home" to "living alone" would have been helped by them staying the weekend.  To be kind, I don't think your B-I-L meant to be cruel.  I just don't think many men have the compassion or empathy for a sad situation like yours.  But it's a shame your sister couldn't have supported you.

It's so hard to tell if he will "be there" for you as the weeks, then months go by.  Ian's brother sent us to coventry six years ago when he didn't get a phone message that Ian's Dec 2006 CT scan was clear.  When he decided he had forgiven us (so that we would attend his son's wedding) we decided we'd managed fine without him and didn't need his hissy fits in our lives so we declined the olive leaf and the wedding invitation.  Six months ago he told Ian's sister that "he would like some involvement now."  Ian and I both declined.  There are days I sorely need practical, muscled help with the tasks Ian used to do round home but I know without a shadow of a doubt that the B-I-L will only be around while Ian's alive so I may as well get used to managing on my own.  So I'm the wrong person to reassure you that there will be help and sweetness and light from relatives around you - I am too scarred by friends and relatives with egos and agendas.

Can you ask around your neighbourhood or even at your health centre or GP's office to see if there's a reliable, reasonably-priced odd job man who can do "man" chores for you??  That's what I am doing already.  An unemployed friend has painted our house roof and farm shed for us for pocket money.  It's the sort of task I'd love friends or relatives to have offered to do and save us hundreds of dollars but that was not to be....  I haven't festered on that - I've just found replacement labour.  Make sure you ask a few people who have used such a service though that the man did a good job for a fair price.  We have a service here in New Zealand called "Hire a Hubby" and there is a branch in the town where we are moving to (or just me if things don't go well). 

I can't see that expecting a bit of help on "man chores" now and then is being selfish, Gioux.  But I guess as time goes by you are going to have to become more self-sufficient.  If there's one thing I have learned from people on this site, it's that the bereaved are expecting to "get over It" very quickly - I suspect to take the responsibility and commitment off their friends and relatives.

You and I are going to have to become Super Women - mending fuses with the speed of light, etc.!!!!

Hope I've helped, in my own cynical, disillusioned way..........................

Lorraine

Hi Lorraine, yes you have helps me with what you have said but I think I already new what would happen , my sister & husband left at 11.30 this morning couldn,t even stay a little later on today, sister say want to get home before it,s dark ( WHY ) I think she know its wrong but is to soft to say anything to husband. I know what you mean about people thinking just get on with it, but it,s not them who as too. I,v decided to just to find the strenght to make a new life for myself as this is what John would have wanted for me. I also think he will show me the way from up above & help me to do this, i,v made some good friends here where I am so here is where I,ll stay & take them up on there offer,s o help when I ned it. You know what they say " you can pick your friends but not your relations " how true that is !!

I,m so glad Ian as bounced back again good for him, you & he are just like John & I used to be, not just man & wife but best friends as well, so it is & will continue to be very hard for me not having him to talk to. I miss him so much I think my head will explode & my heart hurts so much but I must try & be strong for John as that is what he would have wanted.

I,m going to nip over to a neighbours now for a coffee as thay said to call when I wanted so i will, stay strong Lorraine I,m here to chat for you also, sending you a big hug Gioux x

Well done Gioux!!!  Feel the disappointment (in your relatives) and carry on anyway!!!!  Do take up those genuine offers of help from your friends.  I was a bit too independent when Ian was first diagnosed seven years ago and declined help.  I found it was often offered just once - the same people didn't offer again.  So take up those offers, even for just little things like putting in a nail, changing a fuse, etc etc.  That's what I'll be doing, given the chance.

I'm glad you took up your neighbour's offer of a coffee.  Again, an offer like that is kind, but if you were to refuse too many times you mightn't get offered again.  People might mistake sadness or shyness for aloofness. 

So you are on the first few steps of the next stage of your life.  It's not the way you'd have chosen (or John either) but none of us has any choice.  Well done you for how you've managed so far

I've been outside in my garden since 10am when Ian's District Nurse left after changing his syringe driver.  I am absolutely pooped.  Summer has arrived with a vengeance here in New Zealand and I think I am nearly over it already   I'm just cooking a meal then I am going to sit down in my armchair with a thump and it will take a block and tackle to get me out to go to bed.  Tomorrow the hospice have agreed to remove the syringe driver and go back to oral meds.  Hurray!!!! We get our lives/days back for a while longer.  We'll wait a day or so to make sure the oral meds are sufficient and then we are off for a night away near our favourite winery - there's a bit of fun to be had yet thank goodness.

Hope you've had a good night's sleep Gioux and wake refreshed - YOU ARE DOING REALLY WELL!!!!!

Lorraine

Hi Gioux,

Sorry have just seen your posting about your husband.  So sorry that he finally lost battle but pleased for you that he left you with a smile.  That image will be with you forever so please remember that on the dark days.

I'm a few months down the road from where you are now as my husband passed in July so if you need to vent your feelings please feel free.  It is hard being left on your own, going home to an empty house, the nights always seem an eternity and your emotions will no doubt be all over the place.  You must stay strong, like you were for your husband during his fight and carry on as he would have wanted you to do.  If family members are maybe not as supportive as they could be don't let it get you down find those neighbours or work colleagues that will be there for you.  Failing that I think this site does a brilliant job because you can vent your feelings without causing any repercussions!

Take care, stay strong and just take one day at a time.

Love

Poppy