So tomorrow night it's six weeks since I lost my darling Ian.  What a different life it is, alone and without any responsibility or structure.  My mind is still "mush" and my concentration is pathetic.  I flit like a butterfly from one task to another, without actually completing many.  I am tidying up the house with the help of a DIY friend and his wife.  It's going on the market in a few weeks time and the house Ian and I planned together is now underway 30 miles away.  It is really weird to, as I say, have no responsibility and no routine.  I can get up when I want (within reason that is hahaha).  I can eat when I want.  I can just jump in the car and go somewhere - without packing change of clothes, spare drugs, sickbags.... you name it.  I can park the car far from where I want to go and just walk for the love of it - no more parking right outside the door because Ian hasn't the energy to shuffle far.  I've sort of got my life back - but there's just such a big hole in my life that it's not really mine if you know what I mean.  I miss Ian a lot.  I stopped wailing a couple of weeks or so ago but I still cry at the drop of a hat if I catch sight of a photo on the wall, or the catfeeder goes off with Ian's message for the pusses.  I'm glad I've got our four cats - otherwise I'd have little reason to talk.  The weather has been OK lately so we all got outside to door some of the mountain of outdoor chores that need doing.  They hoon about while I plod on, doing my jobs.  I have build 58 metres of garden path - hammering in pegs and nailing on 4x1 wooden edging.  I am in the process now of barrowing shingle along this path.  When I get sick of that there's always the lawns to mow or pruning to do or weeding.  I am busy, really busy.  I joined Jenny Craig the week following Ian's death now that I could concentrate on being selfish enough to diet and exercise and think just about ME.  I am steadily losing weight and feeling better for it.  I am definitely eating better too - shedloads of vegetables.  Woman cannot survive on buttered toast alone, like I was doing after Ian died.  I am adjusting to life alone.  I am not lonely.  I make an effort to see friends most days.  I am almost always alone in the evenings but that's OK.  I like a bit of telly or a good book - and I have even rediscovered my joy of reading.  I have discovered that I am not afraid of living alone - I was sure I would be.  And I am taking baby-steps towards continuing our joy of travel.  I am having six days away to celebrate Ian's 62nd birthday next month.  And in the past two days I have done what Ian instructed me to do - continue cruising.  I have booked a Christmas cruise around New Zealand and across to Australia so I won't be alone in the new house at such an emotional time of the year.  Once I did that online I thought I had better tick the other box we were going to tick if Ian had been well enough last October - a Falls Colour cruise along the East Coast of Canada & the US.  Six months to the day after Ian's death I will fly to Vancouver and then I'll take a four day train trip across Canada to Quebec where I will join a cruise ship for 20days cruising.  I will celebrate my 58th birthday at Newport, Rhode Island and sail into the Big Apple the following day.  At the end of the cruise, back in Quebec, I have booked a train to Toronto to do a side trip to Niagara Falls, then I'll fly back to NZ via Vancouver.  I am scared/daunted/exhilerated/excited all at once at my bravery/stupidity/bouncebackability!!!  Thank you Ian for suggesting the first cruise back in 2008 - we both recognised it was something a woman alone could do safely and I know I am going to enjoy it immensely (even if there's quite a few private tears along the way). 

I think I am doing pretty well.  I certainly didn't expect to be doing this well, this soon.  But then again we knew Ian's cancer was terminal for seven years.  We grieved together along the way.  Ian's death was not sudden, not really.  It was a shock, yet it was an expected, anticipated shock that we both knew was coming.  Like I say, I miss him, I miss him so very, very much.  But I am glad I was married to Ian.  I still believe that 36 years to a wonderful man is a million times better than 60 years, let alone 75 years to a scoundrel.  Everything that I am today is down to the life we lived together and the experiences we shared - good (lovely homes, successful business, lots of travel) and bad (cancer). 

I'm getting there.  I hope others in the same boat as me are too.  I don't believe we have much choice - we are the torch bearers for our loved ones.  They loved living.  We just have to adjust and find a way to continue to do so too.

Lorraine

Hi Lorraine,

It was lovely to read your update and to hear that even though you are suffering the great loss of Ian,you are moving ahead with all those plans you had made. I should think with all that DIY/labouring your muscles will be growing stronger and its wonderful that you are managing to fill your days and rediscovering life. Wishing you continued enjoyment as you carry on celebrating Ian's memory he would be immensely proud.Jules

Hi Lorraine,

It was lovely to read your update and to hear that even though you are suffering the great loss of Ian,you are moving ahead with all those plans you had made. I should think with all that DIY/labouring your muscles will be growing stronger and its wonderful that you are managing to fill your days and rediscovering life. Wishing you continued enjoyment as you carry on celebrating Ian's memory he would be immensely proud.Jules

Hi Jules

As you can see I've ticked a few boxes in the last few days.  Life and travelling alone is very different but definitely do-able.  A bonus of course is that without my food-loving husband and his preference for expensive restaurants, my food bill was tiny - and hopefully next time I report in to Jenny Craig, the scales will reflect that hahaha.  But for Ian's birthday lunch I did pull out all the stops - I think he would be proud of my seven course winery lunch!!

Lorraine

Your other posts just hit my mail box. I am eating porridge and thinking the 7 courses at the winery lodge sounds great - did those courses come with food or was it just different wines - think the memory will live on for a long while (even if its hazy).  Your writing is bringing many smiles to my morning so thank you for setting me  up for the day (too early for me to raise a glass to you so sending hugs). Take care Jules

AAAAAAAH, porridge, Jenny Craig hardly ever gives me porridge and I adore it - boring old fart that I am!!

Really - of course those were seven courses of food!!!  You'll give me a reputation as a lush hahaha.  They went like this:

  Amuse bouche - little morsel of yumminess on porcelain spoon

  Atlantic scallop (3) and filo-wrapped prawns (3) with dollops and swirls of sauce/garnish etc.

  Lamb main course (as ordered by me)

  Sample of snapper (fish) main course (thankfully small - starting to flag under the pressure at this point hahaha)

  A little palate refresher of raspberry sorbet

  Dessert as ordered (golden kumara - our NZ sweet potato - and chocolate beignets - little doughnut-style balls

    deepfried and rolled in sugar and serve on a "swish" of kumara sauce

  Another dessert (at the pastry chefs insistence) of deconstructed rhubarb tart)

I did do the "wine matching" thing like Ian would have - but just half a glass with my entree and half a glass with my main.  I didn't order a dessert wine hahaha.

As you can imagine I was "happiness-filled" and very grateful to the winery for putting me on such a fuss.

Cat No4 (Misty) has just arrived home.  Everyone else has been looking expectantly at me for a meal but until the Roll Call is full, no-one (including me) eats round here.  I was ignored last night once the fire was roaring.  I had been hopeful that six nights without my company would have driven at least one of the Furbabies to a strong desire to sit on my lap.  I watched telly alone, went to bed alone and slept alone.  But to my shock I sat down on a garden seat to admire my weeding and Molly joined me on the seat AND THEN SAT AND THEN LAY UPSIDE DOWN ON MY LAP!!!  Wow!!  After four of us had called it a day at dusk, I was doing the rounds of the curtains shutting up the house.  I sat briefly on our bed to watch the little birds having their last drink of the day from my birdfeeders and crickey - Milly hopped onto the bed and stood on my lap.

All four are now fed - Jenny is about to feed me - and the fire is on.  Will I get an official lap cuddle in front of the telly tonight????  It would truly make my day!!!

Have a good day - that porridge will have set you up nicely I'm sure!!!

Oh my, the taste buds are now working overtime having read that menu. What a wonderful array of dishes and lovely to get a bit of spoiling; you so deserved that.  Aren't cats amazing one minute nowhere to be seen and the next giving you fur cuddles and attention.Hope you got your  'telly cuddle'. My sister in law has two of her own and about three that visit regularly 'to play with her boys!!'.  Strangely within a few weeks of my hubby's diagnosis one of our neightbours cats  began to visit regularly and now often pops in for a little while and nearly always makes a beeline for my husband first.

My doctor recommended the porridge (in her and my quest to lower my cholesterol within six months or tablets loom!!) and do find it keeps me going on work days. Breakfast is early (before 7) and I do not get home till 2.30 so quite a long gap before lunch.   Strange I have never been into dessert wines - far too sweet!! but am partial to a drop of rose with a meal if we are entertaining. Hubby not enjoying alcohol so much (also painkillers limit intake) so he has shandy when he goes to the pub with his mate on Friday (when he is up to it) and occasionally a whiskey to round off the evening. We have never been 'at home' drinkers though for my hubby's 60th his workmates bought him 12 bottles of Jamesons (whisky) - only one bottle has been opened.

Well good day yesterday (I took a three mile walk in the morning and visited a photographic exhibition (friend's daughter exhibiting) and the charity shops (picked up a couple of tops for the summer) and then had family over in the afternoon so spent 5 hrs in the garden chatting - bliss.  The men were watching tv - sport.

Hope you have a peaceful week.  Take care, Jules