I hoped I would never post this discussion

Yesterday we got the news we never wanted to hear.  My friends on this site know about my husband's 6+ year battle with colon cancer that had spread into his lungs by the time it was diagnosed.  The oncologist was sure Ian's first bludgeoning with Oxalyplatin IV chemo and Xeloda (5FU) chemo tablets would buy him 1-2yrs remission.  Ian dug deep and slowly got better and stronger and went back to his hard physical job as a truck mechanic and we went back to our "normal" lives together knowing that time was precious. 

My friends on this site have (no doubt) got sick of hearing about the wonderful times we had together in that remission that was so hard fought for.  I think I have convinced Newbie that yes, it is all worth it.  It's such a cruel battle but remission is so sweet, extra sweet when it is for so long as Ian's was.  It is so cruel that lots of people who have just as much to live for are denied such a long remission. 

5yrs 2mths after Ian went into remission abdominal pain and rising tumor markers prodded the system into action again.  On 30th August last year Ian began the Oxalyplatin/Xeloda combo again which ended on 23rd December with the news it wasn't working this time and the dozen or more tumors being measured were just getting bigger and bigger.  Between chemo regimes we snuck in a trip to celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary - no cancer was going to spoil that lovely five day trip.  Then on 22nd February Ian began Irinotecan chemo and we started paying for Avastin because it isn't publicly funded in New Zealand.  With each round of treatment Ian has got steadily more beaten by side-effects but in the week between chemos early this month we again thumbed our noses at cancer and flew to beautiful Queenstown in New Zealand's South Island and to celebrate Ian's 61st birthday we chartered a helicopter and flew over our stunning countryside and picniced high on a mountain top.

But the oncologist said three weeks ago that the Irinotecan must end - that it was, and I quote, expensive and making Ian ill.  He said the Avastin that we were paying for must also end.  And so we walked out of the chemo day ward on 13th June dreading what was to come.  In the days that followed Ian was desperately low, a combination I think of side-effects and the knowledge that active treatment was coming to an end.  After three days without a shower, shave, or dressing let alone much food he dragged himself out of bed, back into daily life again. 

Ian had the scheduled end-of-treatment CT scan on Friday and yesterday we went to the follow-up clinic to get the result.  We were told gently but firmly there was no more publicly-funded treatment available to Ian that would work.  We were (for the first time) shown the actual CT images, taking a virtual flight through Ian's body, flying past all the horrible, dreaded cancer tumors in his lungs, hovering over the collection of lymph nodes in his abdomen that are fat and swollen with cancer cells waiting to "get at" his liver which at the moment is amazingly clear.  People on this site had talked on seeing such images and we had never been given the opportunity.  How ironic that on the day the New Zealand hospital system ditched Ian (because that is what they did yesterday) we got to see those fascinating, horrible images.

Now Ian has been officially referred to the regional hospice.  We are lucky that one of the social workers there was Ian's social worker for 5+ years at the hospital so she knows many of the problems we have faced during this fight.  But it's still a very scary "line in the sand" time for us.

My brain has known since May 2006 that this time would come - my heart had it's ears and eyes covered...

Does anyone have any advice or help for me?????  I've dished out advice and hope and comfort willingly in the four months or so I've been here on this wonderful site.  I'm a giver, that's my nature.  Now I want to be a taker for once.

  • Hi Lorraine, glad you managed to get away to your holiday.  I'm eager to know, what was the play so we can all avoid it?  Did you manage to get to see Alan Davies? 

    Lyn  X

  • Hi

    Was wonderful to read that you are enjoying another mini break, what a pair your are. My admiration for your strength in your constant battle knows no bounds. It comes down to character and determination and probably bloodymindedness against the cancer and gold awards go to you both. I now have a mental picture of that pretty harbour to start my day too (never been to NZ). Have  a safe journey home and the extra bottle (or two) sounds a lovely idea. Jules

  • HIYA

    MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

    I FORGOT TO SAY IN MY ANDROID POST I BOTCHED THE DATE OF THE SHOW - ALAN DAVIES WASNT WED 6TH BUT TONIGHT. IAN STAYED IN THE ROOM ALL DAY AND ONLY WALKED FROM THE BED TO THE BATHROOM THEN TO THE BALCONY FOR LUNCH AND BACK TO BED. IF THERES ONE THING WE HAVE CAUGHT ONTO VERY FAST ITS PICK ONE ACTIVITY FOR THE DAY. IAN SAVED HIS BATTERIES FOR SITTING IN THE SHOW.  I GOT US A TAXI FOR THE 4MIN DRIVE TO THE THEATRE BUT HE MANAGED A VERY QUIET SHUFFLE BACK TO THE HOTEL AFTER THE SHOW.

    AND ALAN DAVIES SHOW...... WHAT CAN I SAY.... MY CHEEKS ACHE FROM GRINNING AND I HAVENT HAD SO MANY BELLY LAUGHS IN WEEKS... NO MONTHS!!!!  I AM SO GLAD WE CAME AND SO GLAD IAN DUG SO DEEP - YET AGAIN.  HE LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AND IT WAS SO GOOD TO SEE THAT HAPPENING.

    SO NOW ITS 11PM AND I HAD BETTER GO TO SLEEP READY FOR THE DRIVE BACK TO OUR REAL LIFE.  AND TRY TO SORT THE FURRIES AND THEIR NOCTURNSL WANDERINGS!

    NO FEAR OF HAVING TO AVOID THE PLAY FROM LAST NITE - I DOUBT IT WILL EVER LEAVE NZ SHORES. IT IS "KINGS OF THE GYM" SET IN A NZ SCHOOL GYM TEACHERS OFFICE.  I LOVED THE LAST PLAY BY THE PLAYWRIGHT BUY PERHAPS HE SHOULD HAVE RESTED ON HIS LAURELS HAHAHS.

    NITE NITE!!!!

  • Hello,

    Glad you managed to get to your Alan Davies show to celebrate your 36th anniversary.  I know what you mean about 'saving your batteries' - my Dads illness made him more and more tired, but we just did what we could as a family in the times when he was awake to have a laugh and joke with him and make those times as special and meaningful as we possibly could.

    If your cats (I too have a 'fur family')  were in the UK just now it would have solved the problems with their nocturnal wanderings,  we have had a bit of snow lately and my cats meow at the back door to get out, but when they see the snow out there they take one look and change their minds and go back to the couch!

    Katielouie x

  • Hello Elkay

    Was so pleased to read yet another goal reached and enjoyed, you are an awesome couple. The stamina both Ian and you are finding to fight (and enjoy) the precious time you have together is truly amazing. Wishing you more laughter as you cope along this difficult journey.Jules

  • Hi Support Team.

    The best laid plans of mice and men.......and wives!!!!

    Hotel checkout was 11am but Ian was still in bed at ten to 11 and whispered that he wished he could stay one more night cos he couldnt face the 2 1/2hr trip home.  His wish....... My command. :-D

    Within 20min we were in another available room (because ours was booked by someone else) and a porter helped us move. Then Ian proceeded to snooze tll lunch then snooze till our evening meal. By then he was much brighter and he polished off goodies from a nearby organic shop - broccoli and blue cheese soup and a grainy roll and part of an afghan biscuit.  His bouncebackability (new word!!!) never fails to amaze me.

    We've just watched England thrash NZ in 20:20 cricket on TV so now its time for sleep again.  But both of us this time.

    So tomorrow we try to leave again.  And I texted our neighbour/friend to warn the furry rebels that She Who Must Be Obeyed will be home in 18hrs.

    :-X

    At the temperatures we've been enduring, I dont hold out much hope for snow to quell the rebellion hahahaha

    Am thinking of Expat as I sign off..........  :'(

    Lorraine

  • Elkay,

    So good to read your news and that your stubbeness and sheer determination not to give in to this disease has created memories and laughter to treasure. I take my hat off(from the snow and sleet here in the u.k.) to you both.  An extra day, what a bonus and I hope Ian is uplifted and can find some strength, shade,  and  further moments to treasure with you and your cats.

    Take care, gardenlady. 

  • WE HAD SUCH A LOVELY BTEAK TOGETHER, DIGGING UP OLD MEMORIES AND EATING LOVELY FOOD AND WATCHING THE BUSY HARBOUR.  AND GETTING TO SEE ALAN DAVIES' SHOW TOGETHER AND TO LAUGH AND LAUGH WAS JUST LOVELY.

    I DROVE US HOME YRSTERDAY IN EASY STAGES AND OUR WORLD PROCEEDED TO TUMBLE DOWN AROUND US.  THE RETCHING (WHICH REARED ITS HEAD BRIEFLY ON THU) CAME BACK WITH A VENGEANCE LAST NIGHT AND IAN WAS VERY MUDDLED IN HIS SPEECH WHEN WE HAD A CUPPA WITH FRIENDS ABOUT 4PM.  SO THIS MORNING I RANG THE HOSPICE TO SUGGEST A BLOOD TEST FOR BLOOD/CALCIUM .  THEY INSISTED I DRIVE IAN THE THIRTY MILES TO HOSPICE RATHER THAN HAVE THE BLOOD TEST DONE AT THE LOCAL LAB - AND TO BRING AN OVERNIGHT BAG AND OF COURSE MY GROCERIES. 

    JUST AS WE WERE TO SET OFF I CHECKED MY EMAILS AND THERE WAS A MESSAGE FROM OUR TOXIC BUSINESS ACCOUNYANT DEMANDING THAT WE AGREE TO NO PROFIT AFTER HE BEGAN CHEMO ON 30 AUGUST 2011.  IF WE WERENT STRESSED BEFORE....

    IS IT ANY WONDER IAN ENDED UP VOMITTING IN THE CAR ON THE 40MIN JOURNEY.

    ON ARRIVAL AT HOSPICE IT WAS SUGGESTED WE GO TO THE NEARBY HOSPITAL AND WALK 200 METRES OR SO TO THE LAB FOR THE BLOOD TEST.  I THINK ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME AND MY ROTWEILLER TENDENCIES WILL KNOW THE REPLY THEY GOT!!!!

    SO THE BLOODS HAVE BEEN TAKEN AND IAN SNOOZES ON THE BED AND WE WAIT FOR THE RESULT AND PROBABLY A 4HR IV DRIP.  I WONDER IF THEY WILL REMEMBER IAN HAD VOMITING AND DIAORRHEA AND 40DEG TEMPS AS SIDE EFFECTS LAST TIME???  MAYBE THEY DO AND THATS WHY WE NEEDED AN OVERNIGHT BAG.  I HAVE LEFT IT TO IAN TO DECIDE WHERE HE WANTS TO BE ... I CAN SLEEP ON THE FLOOR ON A MATTRESS.... BUT WHAT A COME-DOWN HAHAHA - FIVE STAR HOTEL SAT. NITE - HOSPICE FLOOR MON. NITE.

    AND AS FOR THE FURBABIES.... I THINK I NEED TO PUT PHOTOS OF US UP ON THE WALLS SO THEY RECOGNISE US EACH TIME WE RETURN FROM OUR WANDERINGS.

    SO A GROTTY DAY FOR US ...... BUT NOWHERE NEAR AS GROTTY AS EXPAT'S AND ALL THE OTHERS ON THIS SITE WHOSE LOVED ONES HAVE PASSED OR WHO ARE DESPERATELY ILL.

    TAKE CARE EVERYONE - TREASURE EVERY MOMENT OF PLEASURE YOU HAVE AND NEVER!!!! TAKE FUN AND HAPPINESS FOR GRANTED.

    LORRAINE

  • Hi Lorr,

    Just back in 1 degree celsius UK, from 36 degree celsius Gambia. Both fit and well but tired probably isn't a big enough word.

    Jan had a much needed and well deserved convalescent holiday: poolside under palm trees and plenty of interesting food. I had some man-type adventures by boat, 4x4 and on foot. The birdlife was incredible (on-land equivalent of snorkelling....too many differing species to have time to identify them). Felt a little wary about the number of vultures that chose to circle around wherever we would sit down. Did they know something we didn't?!

    Glad to see that there are still some ups in Ian and your see-saw ride. I thought about you both whilst out of touch.

    Will be in touch at greater length at a more civilised hour soon.

    Russ

  • Russ, wonderful to hear from you.  Ian and I got our atlas out to track down The Gambia and I set my android cellphone weather report on Banjhul, the only Gambian place it had heard of.  As we would head off to bed facing 14 or 15deg C we would thank our lucky stars because we'd see your outrageous overnight "lows" and horrendous "highs."   What a hoot (pardon the bird pun!)  So Jan could sit by the pool and track your movements just by watching for the circling vultures hahahaha.

    I guess you will have seen Expat's sad news.  How George continued the battle for as long as he did, bludgeoned by chemos as he was, is beyond me - and even more, it's beyond me that Ian continues to survive (and some days even thrive) when he's had advanced aggressive cancer for so very many years longer.  At one time I remember Expat said George was on every chemo and antibody therapy that Ian had had AT ONCE!

    We ended up having a night at Hotel Hospice.  As the 4hr drip progressed Ian vomitted more and more.  I quickly reconciled myself to a night away from home - after just one night home hahahaha.  I didn't need to raid my grocery supplies in the car boot because Ian's evening meal remained untouched - so I scoffed the lot - especially the bread and butter pud!!!!  A nurse brought in sheets and blankets and pillows and a beautifully stitched quilt and set up the electric armchair beside Ian's bed and reclined it.  Oooohhh, I thought, just like 1st class on airlines years ago (not that I'd know of course - but I do watch the telly!).  Why, oh why anybody would have paid huge sums of money to try to sleep at a 20deg angle is beyond me.  Both hips proceeded to ache and I was constantly bugged by the polystyrene beads in the triangle pillow provided (and Ian was wondering what was making the constant rustling noises thinking it was odd that the hospice would allow mice in the rubbish tin!!!!).  At 2am I did some emails on my phone and at 3am I gave up even trying to relax (let alone sleep) and I got up to make us both milos.  The night shift nurse (who told me she had herself lost her husband to cancer) spotted me wandering the corridor and asked how she could help.  She was aghast that I hadn't chosen to sleep in the chair.  When she saw me there, she thought it had been my choice and had wondered why on earth I would try to sleep there.  It was a casual nurse who had organised it - the regulars know where the night stuff is.  It does beg the question why aren't the casuals educated by the regulars???  Five minutes later the two night nurses had me snuggled on two mattresses beside Ian's bed and we were holding hands and we dropped off immediately.  Four glorious hours of horizontal sleep later the banging and crashing and loud conversations from the corridor woke us to face another day in paradise.  But the doctor was happy that the Pamidronate IV had gone well and the three litres of IV fluids for dehydration had done their trick and pronounced Ian fit to go home (with a syringe driver again for two or three days) and we were told there was no rush to leave; just take our time.  Ian took them at their word and didn't get up until 3pm, summoning his grit and energy for the 40min journey home.  We stayed up for as long as we could so as not to go to bed in daylight (and then wake in the wee small hours with self-induced jetleg type insommnia) then scuttled off, leaving the Fur Family outside in the dark - no energy to coral rebellious Furries.  We slept the clock around and I had to rush to get breakfast this morning because the hospice-provided cleaning lady was coming at 11am as well as the district nurse and student to recharge the syringe driver.  My patient was reluctant to hurry to get up so he entertained we four ladies from his bed!!!!  After they had all (but me) gone, with no adoring audience, he got dressed and has been on the couch watching telly all afternoon.  He is now watching a replay of what is shaping up to be a trouncing of England by the Kiwis in the cricket a day or so ago.  He is more energetic, engaged in life again, no longer rambling and muttering rubbish - don't know what Pamidronate's got in it, but it's good stuff for fixing blood/calcium that's for sure.

    So one step after another, day after day.  Our mantra for many weeks now has been "You are dying -but not yet" and Ian continues to prove it.  So Valentine's Day tomorrow.  Last year I drove us to a winery near Napier in the wine region for a slap-up lunch.  Tomorrow will probably be baked beans on toast after a blood test and the greatest gift of all - another day with my lovely man!!!

    LK