... I walk up the 53 steps that lead to an old but beautiful house, I find a quaint room for myself and set my bags down. There is no one here, only me, the 53 steps, many windows to peer out at the ocean anytime I desired. I'm not sure why I came here, I just knew I should. I felt safe here, nothing mattered but the precious present moment... After unpacking my small leather bag into an oak dresser, of which I'm sure housed many others clothing before I....

...I walked into the kitchen to make some tea for myself; the floors creaked as I made my way, I stopped on a particularly loud board and danced back and forth to make it sing....I giggled and shook my head...."There is a child in all of us that never disappears." The boards did not reject my theory. Although I had never been here, I knew where everything was, it put a new meaning to "make yourself at home" for me. I filled the tea pot with water and set it on the stove, click, click, click, went the lighting element to start my flame. I turned to the cupboards behind me and found various types of tea to chose from; opening each container, some in tins, some in boxes, one smelled of gingerbread, one of lavender, so many choices yet I didn't feel the stress of which one to chose, I let my senses tell me...Chamomile Green Tea. The tea pot whistled and I just stared at it for a moment, remembering the many times I had heard that sound, from being sick as a child to those cold winter nights, stormy nights when the power would go out and I would get a good scary book to indulge in...

...I chose a large cup, I was living on a whim, I wanted my tea to be able to carry me through whatever may come this evening. Wearing my grey sweat pants, some house slippers and a flattering warm pajama top (no one is around to flatter but sometimes its just nice to walk past a mirror on happenstance and see your reflection in the mirror and smile instead of groan at what bounces back to your own eyes)

...After steeping my tea bags and putting just a teeny bit of sugar in it, I started my way back up to my room, warm tea in hand and I stopped, I closed my eyes, lifted the cup to my nose and just smelled the aroma; stop and smell the flowers now and again.....I opened my squeaky door and shut it behind me....Why? Habit? Security? Security from whom? From what? Myself? Perhaps....Maybe that's why I came here....

...I had a triple pane sliding glass window, it too was made of Oak; I ran my hand along the sketching's, nothing decernable, eye catching all the same. I took a sip of my tea, it was so comforting as I swallowed, I opened the sliding doors that led out to a balcony, the view was heavenly. I could hear the ocean tides splashing against eachother, a sound I had only heard by putting a shell to my ear...The house was so close to the water I could feel the spray now and then on my face. I set my tea cup down on the white cast iron table, took my house slippers off and felt the balcony was just damp from the sprays of the tide.

...The sun was a few hours away from taking its nightly rest, I felt a splash on my feet, that spray....I had no expectations when I decided to walk out here, I just wanted to "be" and so I was. It started to turn cooler quite quickly just as I started to decide to turn in for the night, I heard something in the distance, I couldn't quite make it out, until it came closer, it was a small bird with the sweetest song I had never heard, he flew near but not too close, almost as if to say something to me; "sorry little one, I don't speak the language", I said as I watched him turn and fly upside down, singing. I picked up my cup, looked inside to see how much "contentment" I had left, there was something very small and very shiny resting in the bottom....How could I have missed this? I thought. I suddenly got that internal it's-time-to-head-inside chill. I nodded with respect to the little bird and walked back inside...

...No, I did not reach my hand into the cup to fish out the small item, it felt like it too, was supposed to be there. I turned down my bed and prepared to lay down and sleep for the evening. With no radio or television set, I would let the ocean rock me off to sleep. I took the last swallow of my tea as the small item clinked to the edge. It sounded near a pretty windchime on a windy afternoon...I set the mug down and crawled under the blankets. The smell of fresh linen, the feather pillows and mattress that would hold me like a large hand and insure my saftey whilst I'm at my most venerable.....Asleep...

...Ironically, my comfortable position was facing the sliding glass windows, I could just barely see the ocean from this view as the full Autumn moon lit the evening sky; There he was, the little bird with the beautiful song, perched on the railing, staring in at me. He must have wanted me to leave his area, after all, this place did not look occupied in years....

...I did not dream on this night, not that I can recall in the conscious state; When I woke the following morning, I hadn't felt this rested in years, so much so I had almost forgotten what it was like to sleep THAT well....

...There is always a song that's being played to you in your everyday life, never find yourself too busy to stop and listen for it.....Trust me, you will hear it.

Dear Tanya,

I liked that piece.

It took me somewhere I've been. Maybe a little piece of loads of places I've felt comfortable in.

Thanks

Kathy

dand also see dear tanya

I followed your thread after your first post made me cry and also see I was not the only one walking this path.You have made your voice heard.I hope your handsome irish singer comes back every night,Visiting ireland in your dreams is probably the best way to avoid getting very rained on.I am at the end of my chemo now but still sat with stage 4 which sometimes feels that someone sat me on the naughty step and there i will stay untill i understand.thank you for your writting my throughts are with you

emma

Dear Tanya,

You've not written (I wish you would), so I'm going to send you a poem:

ACCEPTANCE IS A TWO WAY STREET

When you accept, do you deny

That you don't care what's in this life

Or if you leave it all behind?

The acceptance you have did'nt reach me

When I felt low I had you see

You had to write to rescue me

I didn't hear a rattling wheeze

Or see the meds or hear machines

Or think how hard you'd need to try

I just assumed that you won't die

Acceptance is a two way street

But not a feeling that I need

Of course, I know that gnawing fear

I'll live with that because you're here

Kathy

Several links to images of Paphos hotels:

www.tripadvisor.com/Hotels-g190384-Paphos-Hotels.html http://www.tripadvisor.com/Hotel_Review-g190384-d583660-Reviews-Athena_Royal_Beach_Hotel-Paphos.html http://www.tripadvisor.com/Hotel_Review-g190384-d236327-Reviews-Paphos_Amathus_Beach_Hotel-Paphos.html http://www.tripadvisor.com/Hotel_Review-g190384-d622520-Reviews-Avanti_Village-Paphos.html http://www.tripadvisor.com/Hotel_Review-g190384-d267704-Reviews-Elysium_Hotel-Paphos.html http://www.tripadvisor.com/Hotel_Review-g190384-d292107-Reviews-Avanti_Hotel-Paphos.html Simply "meditating" on hotels photos the way as if you're getting through the pic placing yourself on the lawn, into a swimming pool, then finding and feeling the energies of sunlight, wind, plants. This is form of meditation in Taoists tradition. The hotels were chosen "intuitively" by projecting emotions from your posts to these photos and some gave a feeling of "welcome" for example, the pool of Athena Royal Beach, second link, or palms at http://www.tripadvisor.com/Hotel_Review-g190384-d291037-Reviews-Alexander_The_Great_Beach_Hotel-Paphos.html

To moderators - these links are to public sources not linked to medicine or advertising of hotels.

Dear Tanya,

How are you doing?

I want to hear about one of those dreams/daydreams soon.

Kathy

I hope my post on Taoist meditation was read before it was deleted

(or probably lost).

Supplementary to it:

Standing on a lawn or similar, one may repeat mentally:

"The Earth is beneath my feet"

"the Sky is above my head"

"Human connect Earth and Sky, their energies pass through me and wash away my problems"

This may be enough to start it work, one can also imagine the Earth energy comes into body through

centres of feet and coccyx, the Sky energy comes in through the top of head, additionally the energy of plants can be

absorbed through centres of palms.

This is rather simple but can make a difference.

.....I feel like I'm Missing & no one is putting up those flyers to find me; I write for people who do not even know me & who I will never meet; albeit....I am not alone. How can people live with themselves knowing they have a friend/loved one that's "out there" dying & they do nothing? What have I done that people would stop "looking" for me? People stop looking for a lost child after time passes; is this what has happened to me? Am I a ghost right now & just need someone to tell me I'm dead? The dreams.......My body......When will this end? Why do "most" people who are given 6 months to a year actually do die within that time & I'm still here???? Is it because I don't know how to let go? There are truths out there that I absolutely NEED to know before I am comfortable with letting go of everything I have EVER known? Is there something left for me to do?

....I was in this house, the details did not stick out to me as they normally would; the tornado sirens where blaring off in the distance....."My worst fear.....a Tornado". This time, as in the many years I have heard those sirens go off, I decided to go outside before I go into a panic & envisioning the aftermath. I walk outside in the wind that felt like I was in a wind tunnel, everyone says a tornado sounds like a freight train; no, no it does not. The sky was dark, leaves were flying, people were scrambling outside; I kept walking to free my sight from the trees, not one, not two, not three but five tornadoes off in the distance; This is REAL.... As I have no depth perception, I had to rely on the other people to tell me which way they were going, how close they were & if I needed to take cover. Indeed, it was the majority vote they were headed 'our' way..... I ran into someone's cellar, it had a very small door, once I was inside 50 or so children poured into the little cellar door just before the tornado decided to lift this house I was under. One particular boy came to me in this room that only a child could comfortably stand up in, crying, I told him it was alright now as we were in a safe place, he stated that it wasn't the tornado that scared him, it was the fact that one of those tornadoes had just taken his mother moments before. Amidst all the fear & crying children, for a moment, those tornadoes were not on my mind, the boy that lost his mother at the tender age of, possibly 9 or 10 years old, was my concern now. He laid his head on my lap & I comforted him as the tornadoes did what they had come to do. After it was over I rubbed the little boys' back & told him everything was fine; the storms are over. He got up with sandy tears running down his cheeks thanking me for protecting him because his mother was gone.....Do I take this child & try o find his other parent? In my heart I knew he had no other family, I was meant to take him under my wing & raise him to the best of my ability.....I remember everyone emerging from the cellar, I stood in awe holding the little boys hand; there was nothing left, the whole area was leveled. But knowing I had someone that needed me now would help me to forge ahead & help this boy grow up to be the best man he could ever be........

.....Last Saturday & Sunday I was famished, eating everything in sight yet not settling that unknown craving; Monday rolls upon me, my stomach had been upset the whole day, I ate nothing, I didn't dare, where my cancer grows, vomiting is very detrimental, it causes me to hyperventilate. I was taking everything I could think of to spare my body the atrocity; it didn't help.....I was sooooo sick on Monday night :-<... Today is Saturday & with no "Missing" signs being posted, I still haven't ate.....I am beginning to think my body is cleaning itself out; getting "ready".......I suppose soon enough, there will be no reason to put up those signs on trees & in local stores & bars.......

.....What a long road this has been, cancer sucks......

Terminal

Missing - One friend!

Does 'Your Tony' count as one of those that do not know you, you owe me an email by the way

I am not doing too good at the moment so could do with a chat so please send me a mail and let me know what you have been up to and a few good things that you like to do!

Dear friend, when you are ready you will let go, it is just not your time yet, what are those truths you are seeking?

Why not make some nice satisfying and warming soup, fried onions and olive oil, couple of good handfuls of red lentils, stock and a tin of chopped tomatos and any herbs and spices that you like, maybe some garlic...blitz after about 30 minutes of slow cooking....make that and tell me it is not good!!!

Send me that email and lets catch-up....also log onto msn messenger and pop my email address in and we can have a chat if we are on-line at the same time?

Missing You!

Tony xx

dear lovely lady, my heart sank when l read your message, its something thats hard to undrestand how you feel, l my self have cancer and was just a few years older then you when first got it, a hundred things went in and out of my mind being scared was one of them,so sorry its some thing l feel maybe you can only do on your own but with the help of good loving friends will help,l said to myself l would make every moment count and try to remember that one day l will join my mum and dad sister and brother,why should you be ready or take it likely you are being cheated out of having along life like you have a right to,the people l have been with when they was die ing seem to be at peace when there time came, when l had stemcell l was very close to reaching the other side and l was not scared just felt l was in a lovely dream ,l hope you find some one to help you down this path you shuold have a love one,if l can help in any way please say be thinking of you sorry for you pain , ronnie x x x x x x