.....Its a quiet evening best served with quiet thoughts, I take a deep breath and the scent of the Fall air fills my lungs...Not a moment ago crickets have decided to take up residence near my window; perhaps the breeze brought them here....The tea I drink for an upset stomach, made every night for over a week now, with hope of comfort soon; I stir......Night after night those crickets stay, are they here for me? To warn of my impending death? The opportunity to answer that question for you will never arise, if only I spoke their language......

As Autumn has came in quickly with its chill so follows the allergies and viruses making many sick. I woke with a cough a week and a half ago.... "Yep, this is Hay Fever".... There is a knock on my door on Tuesday; "Cough cough cough cough" I say. The nurse is rather cold to me, better than the alternative I suppose. She listens to my lungs; write, write, write, "Well? cough cough cough" I asked. "I need to call this one into your Dr. you may need antibiotics, I will call you later..." she said almost as if her robotic batteries were running low, Magically she vanished..... I'm wheezing and coughing it sounds just like the infamous "Death Rattle", the tears almost broke free......The phone rings...."This is so-&-so from an Oxygen company and I am calling to set up a time today to bring out a nebulizer." What should I be thinking? The "Mean" nurse never called..... The night nurse called and said, "I have three new meds for you and the Oxygen man should be on his way also." She said as though in a rush. "So I take it the Dr. decided against the antibiotics?" I asked, "Yes, I will explain everything when I get there.......

This just HAS to be Hay Fever! Why in the world is he giving me a nebulizer? My thoughts run rampid; I'm anxious, do I take a xanax to calm me? No, Because sometimes I need to know that I'm still alive......

After learning to use my new machine, taking a dose of rather good tasting cough syrup and learning of another pill that helps with my "secretions", the nurse began to explain things I guess the best that she could have.... "The Dr. did not prescribe antibiotics for you because these are the symptoms he has been waiting for....."Whaaaaa....????" she cuts me off before I could finish my "T" (no pun intended) "I know this is hard to hear but look how long you have went passed what the Dr. told you!" _{ok, that's true, I didn't kick the bucket after six months & did beat their year mark} "So your telling me that I am going downhill? This is IT for me?"..... "This could be a virus, this could be your allergies, but from what I hear in those lungs and what your Dr. states; this is indicitive of the cancer progressing in your chest, your lungs are not strong enough to push up those fluids that are in your lungs, the nebulizer will help get those up." .....help to remove my death rattle.....for now.

Dying from cancer did not come with a "Book" to tell me how all of this would happen......She and the Oxygen Man left......I lay here with the jitters of course from the Albuterol....I broke my well.......Tears upon tears and sounds came out from my vocal cords as though I had ripped them out of my very soul.....I whisper to my pillows and my radio that plays softly in the background, "Really? Is this my next step? How many more steps are there to this? How bad am I going to get? I know I will have my agile mind until my very last breath; can I handle THAT? Am I what they call "Actively Dying?"...... I AM supossed to see the people that I have loved & lost from days gone by right? Wandering around my room trying to show me what to do.... and then I recall; "When you are unable to hold the nebulizer wand, we will get you the mask".....Is THAT going to happen soon? How am I supossed to feel? Think? This is a one-time deal, its not like I can ask for a do-over; this, my many readers, is called dying.......

My room is silent, my tears have dried, just that music, a small breeze now and then.....and the CRICKETS.......

...about 2:21 in the morning when you posted that as you can see from my last entry; my "Cooking" was short lived....But I must add that it was tremendously delicious!

xx

Terminal Tanya

Hey Darling TT,

Get that Doctor out now as it could be an infection, you need chest x-rays to confirm the diagnosis not just words on the end of a phone....we are aiming for 2 years not just a few months past the 6!

Your words are beautiful albeit hugely haunting and sad

I had Indian food tonight and that was yum, it was pretty low fat made with minced turkey but nice none the less.

All I can hear is the hum of my laptop and the clanking of the radiator, not half as romantic as crickets

Let me know soon how you get on with the Dr...they can't just leave it at that....can they?

Much Love dear friend

Tony xxxx

Dear Tanya,

Do you know your entries that record everyday events can sound poetic.

I knew it. Selfish as I am. I knew that when I read one of your posts, it would take me out of myself for a while.

I'm back in myself now I'm writing. But this is a local authority flat. I have no breeze, but it's a bit draughty. I can hardly remember the last time I took the time to listen for a cricket. Having said that, I don't have that death rattle either, do I?

Write again, Tanya. If only to say you're there. I hate waiting with baited breath.

Kathy

Yesterday I went to a concert with five others; what great seats we had! 2nd row, center stage. The Performers began to sing their melodies; I sang along wondering if anyone could hear my voice yet not concerned I was singing off key. No one looked at me as though to say, "Shut up lady! Your drowning out the singers!" I stood to give them a standing ovation & many followed my lead. One particular performer noticed me;, he smiled and waved in rememberance, elation ran through me from head to toe. :He remembers me.... As the room was still pumped from the previous song; they began their next. All five of them bounced off the stage to mingle with the crowd, hmmmm, a song I am not familiar with....the instrumental part of this new song began and all five of the men came to my seat; can I fall over now? As the irish instruments played a happy little beat, they asked if I would like to join them on stage, oh my, whatever will I do? Its a good thing I took the time to look "presentable", The more distinguished singer said to me; "The last time we had met, we all felt as though we didn't give it our all, so we would like to make it up to our greatest fan....." The gentleman a tad younger than I, with his pretty blue eyes, grabbed my hand and simply said, "C'mon, your gonna love this!" giving me a sweet smile, as if that would kill all the butterflies that had miraculously made a home in my stomach.

My memory fails me as to what order we actually sat on the end of the stage; bound to happen with such a distraction. The performer that led me to the stage coached me on the chorus lines while the instruments still played. He told me I will be sharing a microphone with him. Well, if I do sound absolutely horrible, I really think it wouldn't matter. I was up here, on the stage, in front of thousands of people, young and old, I'll never see these people again, so drink in this moment; my 5 minutes of fame..... Its a good thing I was thirsty last night....Nervous yes, but after settling myself with the others on that stage, I really couldn't see the other fans sitting in their seats wondering why I was up there and not them. The lights were so bright on my eyes, I could, mayyybe see the 1st row and part of the second row of people. There is my seat, empty, one less person to boo me should I sound rediculous....

The blue eyed man turned to me and said, "Ready?" ....as I'll ever be.... Although this song too was unfamiliar, I carried out my "orders". No one laughed, nobody booed, I kept right in tune with the other singers. I sang a bit lowly at 1st and got the "nudge" to use those vocal cords that God gave me, as I calmed, the microphone respected my breath...All of the Gentlemen that made up this wonderful group smiled at me as I sang....This wasn't an, "Oh my goodness! Get her off the stage! She is making us look bad!" smile(s), these smiles said, "We're so glad we were able to extend her final Dream." ....

Oh what a night! A night I will never forget! They took the time to know me just a little bit more, how fortunate am I? Who gets that kind of opportunity?? I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, shouldn't I feel a little wore out? A little sore? This was a big night....

For once in my almost, 16 months of this cancer Journey; I woke up without that dreadful thought of being ill, "I have Cancer" wasn't there, for a few brief moments, I was "alright".....I was gone for one night, making memories, ones that I, & many others would always carry with them.......If they had actually shared the same vivid dream that I had just dreamt........Only in my Dreams.....

I wonder what tonights' dreams will bring......

Hi,

I have followed your thread from the beginning but not contributed - what a brave fantastic person you are. I just had to comment on today's post - as I read it slowly to take in all the emotions I had a sneaky feeling what the end might be. To be honest I am still not sure which outcome I wanted it to be - a dream or reality. The outcome could not be better than it was - WHAT A DREAM, all I can say is role on tonight and i look forward to the next instalment. Best wishes, Rodis.

Oh my goodness My Tanya,

That made me cry! Beautiful, Beautiful dreams which are a reality in themselves.

Keep on dreaming my lovely!

Much Love

T xxx

Dear Tanya,

What a wonderful dream. Both in the content and the feelings it evoked in you.

I know how dreams can affect how you feel, because I the one dream that I remember made me feel differently happened in 1975. A long time to remember a dream, but listen to this.

I was at school at the time, and I'd learned to ride a horse to the extent that I could walk and trot. I had a fear that I wanted to overcome, because my best friend at the time could do it and that was gallop. That fear always held me back though, and while my friend would gallop off on her horse, I'd trot along unhappily.

Anyway, there was a school holiday coming up (a riding holiday to be exact). It must have been on my mind, because one night before the holiday I had a dream. This dream had me galloping along on a horse, across a field.

Of course, the holiday came, and I remember galloping my horse beside my friend's and shouting "Look at me. Look at me!"

I know the dream gave me the confidence to gallop a horse, and that confidence was all I was lacking, but the point of it was that my fear was eradicated by a dream!

I was fifteen years old then. Now I'm fifty years old and dreams don't hold the same reality now. My best friend was blind. She used to say that when she dreamed, she was sighted. She never regained her sight when she woke though.

Having said that in an adult, depressive way, I have days when I wake (very few) to a good feeling. I'm sure a dream has effected this feeling, but I just can't remember it.

I want dreams to be part of a Conversion Disorder, where the psychological manifests itself physically. However, the fact that we can feel good after a dream is all that matters.

That post was'nt only entertaining, but thought - provoking. I can't wait for your next one!!!

Kathy

Hi there,

I can see that you are on-line at the moment so wondering what the time is over there

What other fantastic experiences have you had?

Much Love

T xxxx

Dear Tanya,

I hope you're writing. You have'nt for two days. What's coming, a poem or a dream?

Kathy