PatrickB,

I read your response to Terminal with interest....you mentioned the sense of humour - I can definately relate to that, I guess cancer does that to you..

I am glad that you have someone with you to share the burden.

As an aside I am interested in your opening statement 'I notice that very few people who have answered your question are in fact cancer sufferers' - what point are you making here as all on here are cancer sufferers whether personally or a relative or friend has/had cancer. Just curious?

Cheers

Tony

Hello Terminal

Only just found your posting and all the replies - which have lifted my spirits ! Like a previous poster, I am 62 and have now been diagnosed with secondary colo rectal cancer, with two tumours in the liver. At the moment discussions are on going as to what to do with me It has so far been 8 weeks since the final IRM (think you call it an MRI scan) and I have heard nothing - not looking hopeful !

I love your poetry - extremely thought provoking. As You say, facing the prospect of dying alone is a very unhappy situation. I have a daughter of 30 who does not know about this - since she has not spoken to me for over a year now - she did come over to see me after the original op to re-section the colon, but that was to see what her inheritance might be. It was my 60th birthday at the time, and I paid for her and her boyfriend to go to Paris for a few days - and surprised her by going with them (different hotel, etc) - in the hope she might come out for a special meal with me to celebrate the op being (as I thought then) successful, and my 60th birthday, but she announced that she wanted to go out with her boyfriend on their own - families can be so cruel My brother, when told, simply said that he was suffering from a chest infection - nothing else ! My husband, who sadly lost his first wife to cancer, mostly chooses to ignore the illness and the prospect of my dying (my doctor thinks that is because he cannot cope with it) - and says he will be glad when I have the next lot of treatment and/or surgery, as then perhaps I will 'shut up' about it I find this hard to deal with - but I am a positive person with a good sense of humour and so I cope with it.

I have just been out and bought a pair of yellow jeans - and I intend to stay well enough through the summer to get maximum wear out of them ! As you say, friends find it difficult to deal with - mostly it is ignored but I have found a few 'new friends' through the Cancer Support France group to which I belong, one of whom has also just been diagnosed with liver secondaries following colo rectal cancer - but she is, I am sad to say, not able to deal with this and has somewhat gone to pieces - I feel very sad for her, and try to be positive when we e mail - I have shed tears over my diagnosis, but I am 62 and have had a good and interesting life - it is the young such as yourself I feel sorry for, not having had the chance to experience life for very long. Life can be cruel - there was a small boy at my last IRM scan - he was being prepared for his scan, and was crying and very frightened. Things here in France are somewhat different - whatever treatment and drugs you need are fully available - but there are no Hospices and no McMillan nurses, or other support systems - it is just between you and the multi disciplinary medical teams - there is generally no one else to talk things through with which can be difficult some times - the treatment is not explained to you, you are simply told 'this is what will happen' - mostly here the care is left to families - which can be difficult if you don't have one

One thing scares me - I have just been reading a press article about being buried alive - apparently a common occurrence in Victorian England - so an engineer developed a system of placing bells, flags or rockets inside coffins so that should the corpse wake up, he/she would have access to some form of signalling the above ground world ! I am sorry if this offends anyone, but I still haven't stopped laughing and trying to decide which method I will have - apparently in all seriousness Vicars were advised to walk around their graveyards every evening for signs of flags waving, bells ringing, or rockets exploding I shall be cremated !

I hope nothing I have said here offends anyone, as I have said. I am really aware of how difficult this is, and how devastating the thought of death is to most people - I. like some of you, have friends that, when told of my diagnosis don't know what to say, or choose to ignore it - but I myself prefer those who just get on with things in a positive way, not choose their words carefully and avoid all discussions of the future (or lack of it !) - I have one friend a retired former McMillan Nurse, in the UK, who is as positive as I am, and has already e mailed me a list of my clothes and possessions she would like - I have even found the local DHL carrier to take them to her ...this is the attitude I like, but everyone is different, and I also have friends with cancer with whom I have to be very careful in what I say as they are not dealing well with it at all sadly - and I feel for them.

Keep posting your poems T - I hope you are going to put them onto CD (or whatever the latest technique is) so that they can bring hope and comfort to a lot of people.

You are all in my thoughts

Well done violet, you had me laughing out loud its great to see someone who is suffering this terrible dieses keep such a good sence of humour ,on mums good days we joke around with her it lightens the mood lifts the worries for a while . I hope you keep you spirits high and that family and friends find the strength to walk the path with you. I meanwhile will be chuckling away to myself at the thought of bells, flags and rockets gong off in graveyards around the world.

Best wishes Lisa

Violet,

First class entry and hopefully this will bring a smile to Terminals face as it did with myself.

I have always had a fear of being buried alive and wanted to see if I could rig up a sort of lift system so that my coffin could move to the surface if I was to wake up. Imagine the fright that would give someone out walking their dog.

Violet, I also find you amazingly forgiving of your families behaviour towards you - you do not deserve this. I have a daughter who is 27 (I am 46), I cannot imagine her behaving in such a way especially if I had treated her to the trip in the first place and probably would have paid for the special meal too. The term aren't families cruel doesn't seem hardly enough although I suspect you are being polite! I have been on here since just before Christmas as I also have colorectal cancer which is currently being treated. I am absolutely amazed by the lack of compassionate behaviour being described in these forums, I cannot beileve how many of the sufferers on here are struggling not just with the illness but with the people around them....

As with most things there has to be a balance, I am equally amazed by the compassion and attitude towards each other on here...Not sure what I would do without the support which I have been given and see given to others...let us focus on this.

Terminal, I hope you are okay at present and would love to hear how you are doing...also as requested in previous entrys to find out what your real first name is as I feel uncomfotable addressing you as Terminal

Kindest Regards

Tony

Tanya, (now that feels better - thanks)

You sound like you have a great sense of humour, I'll bet Honey's response appealed to you....Good call about the mobile phone although it may not work below ground unless you have an extending aerial

That journal sounds interesting i.e. paranormal activity, I would be interested to hear of your experiances. I am not a definate believer although I do have strange feelings of a presence on occasion when in certain places although I haven't seen anything as yet. To be honest I am not sure what I would do if I did....as a 6ft 3in bloke weighing 18st I would like to say I would stand and have a chat but would probably run screaming from the house waving my hands!

As I wrote in my previous response I find it hard to understand the differences in human nature...there are some amazing people on here who will bend over backwards to help other human beings and there are others described such as friends and family who act appallingly. I want to shout/scream at them but know that it probably wouldn't make a lot of difference. If they are like that in the first place then a shout wont make a bit of difference.

Let me know about that journal and we will talk some more....

Patrick, I can assure you I am not a coffin chaser I have just had Bowel Cancer operated on and am about to commence 5 weeks of radio followed by 22 weeks chemo, not that that proves anything. Sad old world as I am sure there are people on here. I will just have to take them all at face value as I would be second guessing everyone...

All the best

Tony

Hi Tony, Patrick & the rest of my supporting circle

Your welcome Tony =). I think your upcoming treatments prove plenty, although the discussion is between you & Patrick; the mere undertaking of chemotherapy is not to be taken lightly. I almost did not do the treatments myself, I had to find a reason to want to stay alive, it sounds sad I know, but it was true, when I was 1st diagnosed I had been in a relationship with a man that I could write a book about. With the surgeries & chemo making me very very sick, there were intimacy issues, I had found out-while hairless, flat chested, extremely down on myself that he had me dead already & "moved on" with someone else that has better to offer him than this death sentence. I will go into that a later date. But the moral of this story; I find great validity in your not being a coffin chaser-which I must say I will be using that a time or two with someone; it describes many I have come across Thank you for that Patrick:)-Unfortunately, he was not man enough to tell me about it, I had to find out on my own....Heartbreaking to say the least.

I have been on both sides of the spectrum with cancer; Hospice with my father & now for myself, I really thought I understood what he was going through, I am one to try an walk a mile in someone else's shoes so I know how to be there for them. It really is a different story when your going through it as opposed to standing near it, nonetheless, its difficult for both sides. I did not want my Father to die from this by any means, I needed him for the rest of my life, we were very close, yet, near the end, I often thought, "When will this be over?" I can't wake up day after day with this cloud over my head wondering "when" I will get that phone call, my life had stopped for those 8 months he was ill. When he did let go of this world, I felt a sense of relief, bricks get heavy when you carry them on your shoulders for that long. It hurt to lose him at 24, I still had yet to make him proud of me. With my memories of how I felt with my Father, I know that my family & friends must be thinking the same way, its only human & I do not hold it against them, My Father never knew how his death sentence truly effected everyone. I do.

One paranormal experience I had had was 2 years ago January..... My Grandmother; Mother's side, had a stroke, she was 92, & loved me very much, she always told me I was Special to her. My Mother, Brother & I went to see her in the nursing home soon after hearing of her stroke, she had the 'death rattle'. My mother & brother acted as though my G-ma was untouchable, so I took it upon myself to talk to her, your hearing is the very last thing to go. I gently rubbed her leg & said, "It's alright to let go Grandma." She had been in this state for almost a week before I came to see her. Later that evening my mother & I spoke on the phone, my Mom was scared to lose her mom, as we talked all of the sudden I saw a 'being', it did not have human features as you would think, but did have a lit outline of the human body, glowing if you will. I felt such great peace, joy, angelic love, I knew this was my Grandmother coming to me, whether to thank me for telling her to let go or simply to say goodbye. She WAS there, I could smell her. I began to tell my Mother on the other line, "Um, Grandma is here with me right this very minute". I described to her the very same I have written here, 5 minutes later, she had another call come in (call waiting, not sure if you guys have that over there) I held on the line for quite sometime..... My mother came back choked up telling me it was the nursing home informing her my Grandmother had passed. I felt that my Grandmother gave me the greatest gift by visiting me, not many of us are able to receive that gift.

I would like to note to those here who are either dying from cancer or with a loved one that is, it is very important that someone tells the dying one to "Let go." Someone they respect, love & cherish. My fear, because my circle has vanished, is when my day arrives, my Hospice personel will make those phone calls, "You should come as soon as you can, it is time to say Good-Bye." Those that see me in that state, will make the mistake of saying "Oh God, please don't go!" upset, crying, It takes one person to say that for the dying one to hang on & suffer longer. This is why I have tried futily to involve my family & close friends, help them to come to terms with my moving on to my next life. To those that are facing a loved one dying, do not ever beg for them to stay, give them the gift of telling them its alright to go home, you will see them again.....

My father died at 1:55 in the afternoon in August of 96, I knew he was going to. I had seen him 2 weeks before he passed, I will not undignify him here by telling you what I saw, but my step mother did not protect his dignity. The evening before he died, he came to me, I saw his face with a black background, he looked healthy, he said to me, "Honey, its time for me to go now." I woke with a start, heart pounding, & I began to cry. I called my Mom to give her that "head's up". Even though we had 8 months to prepare for his diparture, it did NOT make it any easier. Of course, the following day he passed. I have been experiencing various types of the paranormal for 30 years now, I have plenty of writing to do in that beautiful journal..... I love the smell of the leather when I write in it......

I do apologise to those that may think my posts are too long, but on this trip, I can't just "oh, I'll write that another day". This is my "another day" With that out of the way, I have been knitting my heart out, some think knitting is for old ppl, I beg to differ! I am currently trying to master making socks, comfortble unique, "cool as all get out", wearable in any shoe, socks. My nurse came in 2 weeks ago tomorrow & I showed her (she is my age as well) she was amazed & told me that I should sell them on Ebay to help with raising the money for my dream trip. A great idea indeed but it takes me about a week to complete a highly difficult pair. It feeds my soul making something out of "string", it gives me a bit of self worth, I wish I could take a snap-shot & post it here so my new circle of family & friends could be my critics

Today I have intentions of getting out of the house, getting something done with this blonde chemo curly hair of mine! It is now just passed my shoulders, I am 2 years & one month out of chemo, my hair grows very slow, so the thought of losing my waist length hair was devistating as you can imagine. At least I am feeling like a woman again I do wish I had a significant other to share the rest of my life with, but I only seem to turn a young man's head these days. I am obviously in no position to aquire a mate but its a nice thought to think I could find a gentleman with great understanding of my life circumstance, I could get creative & make him up right?

Great big hugs to you all,

Tanya

Patrick- back in the 1990's we did have that option; if you were given a death sentence, of sound mind, you could call "an MD" that highly believed your life is in your own hands. When my Father was ill with seizures from the brain tumor he had had, that MD was his 1st choice, yet it was around that time that legislators decided to toss him in jail for murder. For me personally, I am torn on the subject, I didn't carry the belief this man was a murderer, he did not methodically plan to break into their homes and slice their throats, he had them sign papers stating they had the authority to end their lives because of a disease. I, along with my family talked my Father out of it, I was at the tender age of 24. When I found my lump at 35, it was the size of a baseball, I went through the blah blahs of finding out what it was, here i stood, late at night, alone, having the choice to do the God awful treatments for what? a mundane life that I had? a Cheating boyfriend? to bury my best friend? or I could let nature take its course. I really had nothing to keep me here, I had no desires to go on long trips, visit the world, meet famous people, I had no idea there were people out there that would tell ME that I inspire THEM. I thought about what I had had, not what I could have had. I know that you are 62, but here in the States, the 60's are the new 30's. I am 38 and still pass for 21. I admire your state of mind, I understand both sides of that arguement. I have all the means here in my home to end my life and prevent this suffering via Hospice, I haven't, but could and that's not just an "ah ha" moment I recently thought of.. Thinking back on my first fight, my eldest brother had said the same, "there is no way in hell I would go through that" of course only saying that after my 6 months of being poisoned, he too has no children or "anything to live for". I could gather my drugs tonight and be done with this road, but i won't, because I had no idea what i would experience choosing to let it run its course, in my head, I was going to shrivel up quickly and die as my dad had done, my cancer was growing an inch a month this time around, when found; each tumor was 3 inches big, but, I'm not dead yet, they should be a couple feet big now, if the doctors were right, I don't believe we chose to be here, born, I wouldn't have choosen this life if we were in fact able to. I did not even want to find out what these growths were because I would be killing my family and friends all over again, and yes, that did happen, they all walked away from me. Because I have had these wonderful things happen to/for me in these 8 months, who's to say there isn't more for me? More for you? Something you never thought would happen hanging just around the corner? You only get one life, I want to arrive in Heaven all used up with a big smile on my face saying "WHOO RAHH!" This road has been "tricky" to say the least, but at least I have been given this opportunity to try with all my might to really live what I have left, something I didn't know how to do until cancer taught me. There has been times that I rock on my bed wanting to take every single drug out and be done with it, as you said, it is inevitable, but who are they to say I have 12 months? In closing, none of us get out alive.....

Hi terminal,i have been reading the postings from you & your circle of followers & just wanted to reply to something you said,hope you don't mind.I choose to call you terminal,not tanya,as i have never spoke to you before & do not want to sound too familiar.I also do not want to offend any of your followers because i am not suffering with this terrible disease personally,but did care for my wife until she passed away.She was only a couple of years older than you & i am 42.

My wife was given between 3 & 6 months,she died within 3 months just before christmas 09.In her last few days,her "too busy to visit" family finally showed up to do the crying round the bed routine (i will ask them one day what exactly they were doing on their "busy days") As you pointed out,your hearing is the last thing to go & her family were constantly telling her not to give up the fight.One of the nurses who came to our home on a regular basis to care for my wife took me to one side to "have a word".She told me to go back into the bedroom & tell my wife it was o.k. to go & to give up the fight if she could fight no more.Up until this point my wife was very unsettled but within 20 minutes of me telling her it was fine by me if she wanted to go,she became very settled & remained that way until she peacefully died 5 hours later.I truly believe,as you yourself said,it is important to let the dying person know it's o.k. to go.This i personally believe made my wifes passing a more dignified & peaceful affair than it first set out to be.

I hope you don't mind me sharing that with you.Love your poems & your attitude to life.

Hey Brokenman,

Just a note to say although you dont/haven't had this terrible disease I am sure you will agree you have suffered. This sight is for carers as well and all will offer any support that you may need. Some say that although the person with Cancer suffers great pain it is as hard for close family as they are left behind.

I am hearing so many stories of peoples experiences not just the physical pain but the mental pain as well. This relates specifically to the awful way some family and friends react. On the flip side there are some amazing people on here just like yourself who support and care for loved ones until their final moment.

On another note it makes so much sense to let the person know it is okay to let go and be free of pain. Like we have said on here before, the natural reaction is to encourage to fight when in fact the time has come to relax and move on - thanks for the note and although it was directed at Terminal (Tanya) I went through it with my wife just in case it ever got to that stage...hope you dont mind.

Kind Regards

Tony