The computer sickness is going around like a bad cold, I too have been having "issues" (again)....

   I am so sorry I have not written to all of my friends but I have been very sick :-/  This had all started December 2nd.  I am trying not to carry negative feelings these days against or for anyone, it takes entirely too much energy to do so, however, Hospice has upset me so.  Along with the stress of still waiting to see if I have passed thier eligibility test, as most of you know I have also had "sickness" issues going on.  I was instructed to see my oncologist shortly after seeing the Nurse Practitioner; I am not dying fast enough for them: Hospice made the appointment for me & called with the date.  Earlier in the week I had called my regular Dr. for a general refill, she wanted to see me in person.  Ugh!  Really??  My RN came on Tuesday (along with her ratty attitude she has more frequently than not) telling me that I need to run all of the other issues I am having, with my family doctor.  I told her that I am not her only patient, for these "other" issues, she will present me with, "Please schedule another appointment for those issues."  The RN said SHE is your regular doctor & IS part of your overall healthcare.  Preceeded to talk to me as though I am 10 saying, "Ok, now what are we going to talk to Dr. so & so about when we visit her?  Let's write all of thes issues down."  I don't need to write these issues down I stated.  She did not agree, I laughed.  I began, "Your up on a perfect morning, you decide to go for a ride on your horse, what a beautiful morning.  All of the sudden the horse begins to buck, you fall off the horse, it reaches down and begins to gnaw your leg off just above the knee.....What part of the day are YOU going to forget?" Again, I have been ill for a WHILE.  I continued telling her that tragic events are very memorable & I trust I am young minded enough to remember what I need to say to my doctor.

   After all is said & done with the doctor visits being complete for the week, I am now thankful my doctor told me she needed to see me as well as seeing my oncologist.  Before I explain the result I must add something my in-a-bad-mood RN stated to me on Tuesday.  I was still doubled over in pain with my knees up to my chest rocking my body back & fourth trying not to vomit; "I think what is going on is that you have been in this bed too long, you need to get up, walk around, do the dishes, brush your teeth when commercials come on tv."  I could feel my blood starting to simmer.  "I would like to see you go through this kind of pain & see if YOU can get up & walk around!"  I said with fire in my eyes.  "If your in the hospital with a kidney stone, you can trust me when I say they will NOT let you just lay around!" she bit back at me.  "well, I don't have a kidney stone do I, I am not the normal "sick" person!" I said retorically.  I really felt at this point like jumping up, wrapping my hands around her neck & preceeding to assist her in understanding.  Of course I didn't.  I thought Hospice was there to help you stay comfortable (in all ways), apparently my perception of them was off.

   I found out through my lab work, talking to my oncologist & an exam that Hospice overlooked my symptoms.  I had CLASSIC symptoms of having a stone in my gall bladder.  Because it went overlook as being an "impaction", it has now twisted & upset my pancreas causing a very bad case of pancreatitis!  This could have been avoided!  Now I have a long road ahead of me to heal my pancreas thanks to my miss-know-it-all RN.  My RN is supposed to call today to find out what the doctors said.  I am having all I can do not to blow up at her.  I know if I do, it will cause more harm for my care & am trying very hard to keep this thought right in front of my eyes when the phone rings......

   The oncologist asked me how things were going with Hospice, she also stated, "I wonder why they waited so long?...."  I told her I have basically been uncomfortable from the very begining.  She says "We brought Hospice in to keep you comfortable, happy, have quality of life & be stress free!"  Tell me about it...............

   I don't think I will have to bawl out my RN, I think my exam, my words & my appearance will speak volumes for me through my doctor....I can use what little energy I do have, on writing a long overdue poem for my circle now...

   In the begining of entering Hospice, I had layed in bed often as we were just starting a pain program; while laying there on a visit I had said to my RN, "What am I supposed to be doing???" with much frustration & tears.  She said, "Your doing it."  Yet on the last visit she wants me to get up & run around the house!  There are oh so many wishy-washy things she has said to me, I could go on & on.  Ask for a new nurse, most people would say, I have, "So & so is the only full time RN we have."  Bummer for me I guess.... I think she is just sick of me, I'm not like any of her other patients, not able to speak up for myself, old & fragile.  I am bull headed, I call it as I see it & am not afraid to speak up or prove my point, let's face it, nobody can possibly know what this road is like unless they themselves have or are experiencing it.  I confidently say this because I truly believed I knew what my Father was going through while he was walking on the road to death.  Through his vivid explanations, I UNDERSTOOD.....No I didn't.....I'm so sorry that you had to go through this Dad, I hope that somewhere in your new life, you can read this......