Third message almost in a row, does this look things

are getting worse, which is logical to expect from

"terminally ill"?

Though how can we know what path things are moving,

what forces are behind and where it eventually place one...

Dear Tanya,

I hope you're feeling alright.

So you think that maybe you should have kept the 'terminal' label to yourself, do you?

It's true.  Had you made out that you weren't too well, but that recovery from your illness was on the cards, you'd have had everyone around you helping you to rally round; doing the right thing by sending get - well cards.

However, sounds like you're honest (I don't mean the perfect person, because I'm getting sick of myself sounding like you're too good to burp!).  We all tell lies, but I don't think you'd tell lies to hurt other people even if they hurt you.  I just mean that you seem to do the right thing by people and now you're thinking lying about the extent of your cancer might have been in order(!).

Thing is, you may be right.  From my point of view, I'd say you were wrong, even if that seems a very inviting thought to you.

Though I don't think it's in you to let someone believe you're going to be alright, when the medical profession have told you differently.

Seems that what you're saying is that by letting people know you were given a terminal label, you did something wrong.  Don't blame yourself for other people's failings.  You don't have to save them from themselves either.  Sometimes we make mistakes we can learn by.  Maybe this is one of them.

I know it's terrible to be part of someones learning about life in the way you've described has happened with you, but we all experience learning curves, don't we?

Kathy

Hello Tanya.... i am a fan of yours.... your writing is truly beautiful, i would love to read a lot more of what you write..

I enjoyed your poems too, when you wrote them.

I am like you, i suppose i could call my self terminal Debbie, or dead soon Debbie.....maybe that would make some people squirm a bit.... you see as your friends and family have turned away from you, distancing themself and really treating you with little respect so have some of mine.

I have very little blood family who i am close  to, the one close cousin i did have has stopped ringing me and even emailing me... as soon as i told her that i had stage 4 lung cancer things between us changed.

I asked her why she didnt ring or visit me, not once since has she asked if i needed any help, i have helped her out so many times, giving her a lift to and from the shops every week untill i could no longer drive... she said it was because of the fact that i broke down on the phone when i told her... then said that untill then i had not cried to any one and that she didnt want to make me cry!  Of course since then i have hardened up a lot, now i rerely cry,well not in front of any one.

But i can't belive she of all people would leave me in times of trouble,.

.Although you are on your own over in America you have touched my life, i feel empathy and love towards you, i wish you were near to me i would come and cook a meal or sit and chat a while, but miles will not allow that.

I look will look forward to reading many more entries....you have all of us on here we really feel for you and each other, please god we will all be going to a better place, Debbie.x

   Another evening that I ride the Vomiteer ship.....Blek.  I have been doing everything they had told me to do.  This little part of me wants to grin like a cheshire cat at them all with an "I told you that wasn't it."  They scratch their heads & the nurse that happens to be on probation for ignoring my symptoms turns beet red & hangs her head saying to herself, "She was right..."  Thankfully, last nights ship had a short jaunt, I wasn't out on the wicked fiery ocean waves for two weeks. 

   I wonder today.....what stage would they stage me now?  I have, basically, a secondary Dr. coming today to recertify my eligibility, I hope she has the mind to actually LOOK at me!  Once again, that other part of me hopes I throw up on her shoes; "Seems we need to investigate this patient." Bottom line?  Terminal is not comfortable as promised.

   A new year is approaching; instead of making the famous "resolutions", I'm thinking of what I have done these last 365 days that made prolonging my illness worth it.  I don't hang my head in dispair, although I can not pluck my purpose(s) out of my ocean of memories, I'm most positive there has to be something, maybe many, reasons why I made it past Hospices' 180 day allowance.

   I could get discharged today, unlike previous nail-biting worries, I have this little part of me that wants that to happen; it gives me freedom, freedom to go to the Dr., permission to call emergency services in the middle of the night because I can't quit vomitting, not having to wait an hour for assistance, however there are a couple of things (as with any change in life) that have its darker side; I will have to pay for my many medications, will have to get them myself & my DNR will not be a standing order.  Just for a little while I want to be that normal seeking medical help person......

   I do so wish those poetic words would come flowing through me but with almost a month of the same symptoms, the poems that would arise out of me would be that of the macabre.  I can not do that to my online family.  Rest assured, there just has to be a poem or two left in here.....

I send great New Year wishes to each & every one of you.....May God take everyone's symptoms of ill away, even if its just for one day....

Terminal

Hey Tanya,

A Happy New Year to you....just had a flashing thought...could you be getting better and fighting through this....could there be hope?

I really am wishing and praying for my statement to be true!

I request you send me a poem by email of the thoughts that flow as they are thoughts that are true....

'Just for one day' sparked a memory of one of my favourite songs....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tgcc5V9Hu3g

What are you doing for New Years Eve, fancy meeting up for a beer?

Much Love

Tony xxxxx

Well... does this look like The Lucky Immune Stars really look down from

the "Immune Skies" as is being nagging-ly pecking in my mind?

Nice picture of med staff if next time they'll find the 2 lumps shrunk,

or, suppose, find one inactive?...

Why is intuition playing such tricks - staying on this thread

with Dreaming messages for too long? Will ask my mart.arts

supervisors, maybe a time for a good blow in head...

tanya, i was reding your thread and i want to reach out to you. i know you don't feel like you have family but you are precious and truly loved by everyone who has been through your journey with you. I wish i could come over and just sit with you, maybe we could look at the stars and do a little wishing together. i wanted you to know that even though you maynot be making new year resolutions you can face it with us.You were wondering what you have done this past year. Well let me tell you right know you have done an amazing thing you have been here. You have written beautiful poetry and you are an amazing person. I can't imagine what goes on in your life or what struggles and painful times you are having but i believe that there is a time for all things and the time for you to be an angel is not yet. By the way one day we'll hold hands in that heavenly place and just smile at each other as friends do. I learnt something the other day and that is my God is bigger than all the rubbish and torment that is out there and i believe that, even when i know that cancer is part of my life and yours. Each of us has a part to play in this life , easy or not. When you find the strength write down your thoughts and feelings for your family, put them in an envolope and leave them. Your 'legacy' if you want to call it that, will be in the words that you write for them. A friend of mine just lost her dad the week before christmas, she had not had cntact with him for almost two years because of some family 'stuff'. They were lucky and had the summer with each other, he also wrote letters and sorted out everything before he passed away. Talking to her she realises what a precious thing she has to remind her of the person she used to know. Know enough of the 'morbid' stuff i want to hear much much more from you and am targeting the 'sicky' stuff with my prayers so that you will be able to talk back. with love and hugs loulou xxx 

Dear Tanya,

I'm still wondering if you made it through the hospice's 180 day allowance.

Try to write soon.

Kathy

   I am truly apologetic for overlooking the amount of people that have been reading my thread.... I think I was writing more into my personal history of the, "what have I accomplished this year..." I am ever so sorry to have not peeked into the many-readers-numbers, in a spell.  I would also like to thank all 32,048 people for taking the time to read my thread, I understand that there are so many other things all of you could be doing---I take that bow & throw out roses----  In leu of my previous post; I would like to close my eyes & picture the many faces that I may or may not have touched through my writings, give each & every one of you a big hug....  Modesty or feeling fallible I would say....

Grab your coffee or your tea, a cigarette or cigar, perhaps even a pipe, get comfortable, as this post will be a lengthy one.......

   The Nurse Practitioner (aka eligibility Dr.) & my nurse that flouted me came last week.  My RN was on her best behavior (but of course) thankfully, I was able to have my wish granted & the NP is a female.  She did an extremely thorough exam.  She jotted notes on a yellow ledger pad after each question; some of them seeming very odd to me, I answered them nonetheless.  Off they went without word of my remaining on Hospice.....Indeed my plate is entirely too full at this point & with the vomitting spells, I do not have the appetite to munch on this one either.....I wait....

   On the evening of the New Year, I lay in bed staring off at the easiest wall my eyes could find, I reached up to my necklace & felt the clasp seated next to the pendant that gives my necklace personality.  I took a deep breath, grasp the pendant with my right index finger & thumb; my left hand following the same move against the clasp & remembered a time when I had been told, "When your clasp reaches your pendant, make a wish & move the clasp to the back of your neck & your wish will come true...."  I closed my eyes & searched my mind for that one special wish.....I said to myself, "I am going to save this wish."  The necklace still awaits like a genie floating above his bottle.  I received word that my brother was going to stay true to his word & have Christmas this weekend.  I would like to report that I smiled wide with excitement but that takes energy.  I (still today) am dealing with the stomach pains, yesterday morning I woke again, my stomach hurt, "Oh God, please take away this pain so I can be with my family, enjoy my 3 yr old niece & nephew, be able to eat more than a tea-cup saucer of food, give me reason to laugh, let me have fun, get me through THIS day."  My caregiver is well known by my family & was more than willing to pick up my Mother & take us to the belated festivities.  I know my day to day life, but when I had to pack-up my day to day life to bring with me?  It really opened my eyes to the maintenance of dying. 

   To "test" my evening abilities, I rose from bed at 12:30 in the afternoon.  It was my promise to make a special recipe for my family for this Christmas "Day".  The prep time took me longer than I had thought but in the oven it went to bake for an hour & a 1/2.  I hopped off my "helper stool" that I use when I get the itch for cooking or baking, walked back into what I now call my cancer-cave.  Whew....I had to take some pain meds, some nausea meds; my awesome casserole that everyone dives into, was my time frame, to get ready, pack up gifts, make myself a bit presentable, bag up my cancer & go.

   The smell of the casserole filling the vehicle made my mouth water, yet when I put anything worthwhile in my stomach, the pain gets worse.  My mind was on the kids....Although very young, will they remember me??  In an earlier post my worries were on what everyone would "think" when they saw me, not on this day....

   The evil-girlfriend was quite cordial to me, the opposite with my Mother, I thought they were going to move the oversized footstool & go at it right there!  The evil-girlfriend was the 1st to back off. 

   I walked into the mudroom to remove my shoes & get ready to open that door of children.....Smoked filled the room!  I said, "Do you need a fire extingquisher?"  The evil-girlfriend has 3 grown children of her own yet does not know how to cook; AT ALL.  (No worries, I made a huge casserole) "what happened?" I asked, "Mom's sweet potatoe casserole (which she had labeled as resembling dog food the day before) overflowed in the oven, now she gets to clean my oven before she leaves!" says evil-girlfriend.  Over my dead body.  Anyone knows to place a bubbly casserole on a cookie sheet before placing it in an oven....UGH

   The ham, baked beans, peppered sweetcorn, sweet baby carrots, dinner rolls, my naughty-cheesy-potato casserole was all so very good.  I didn't eat much but I really tried.  Time to open gifts that sat under the tree I was thankful they had not taken down.  Who will be playing Santa tonight?  The kids were standing by the tree; "Mine? Mine?" they said in stereo.  My entire Christmas love to pull this off this evening, was for those two kids.  Before I continue with my evening I have to say that my hope is that I had enough time with them last night to have placed an everlasting memory in both of them.....

   Out of the 7 adults there, nobody was jumping at the Santa opportunity.  The kids were getting restless about the gifts; I got up slowly from the couch, made my way near the tree, standing, I reached for two gifts, one for each child to prevent fighting, ooooooooo, eeeeeek, I wish I could have captured their shrills in a bottle..... well, it doesn't look as though anyone else was going to jump in......Its as though my instincts took over; I settled onto the floor & for once, in a very long time, I was completely distracted from my own circumstances......What a blessing.....If my old family & old friends would only take the time, I would have more distrative moments i time....

   The kids too seemed as they were running on instincts, they just seemed to "know" which gifts were theirs & which ones were not.  The boy saying fewer words than the girl, points at his & says, "Mine?", points to the one to the far left; "Sissy's?"....they just knew.  I past the gifts to everyone watching the smiles, their eyes, watching the kids trying to figure out how to get into a couple of them.  I sat on the floor as they stood eye to eye with me, talking to them, asking them what they got, if they liked it; the mom decided to sit on the floor as well to pass out the gifts they had brought.  The whole time that I was passing them out & observing, not once did it ever cross my mind, "Is there something for me under there?"  I was so enthralled by the innocence that surrounded me.....

   The mom slid over 3 gifts that had my name on them.  In my head, I said, "Oh, I didn't think about this part."  My Niece (as sweet & cute as can be) picked up one of my gifts again asking, "Mine?" with her little hands ready to rip, I gently picked it up & told her "No." while giving her my Christmas smile.  She says, "This one's yours?"  I confirmed.  She sat it on my lap & said, "open it" giving me HER Christmas smile......I began to open it, I'm not nearly as strong as I use to be & never imagined my having a bit of trouble ripping paper..... She says, "Do you need help?  I can help you.."  Its as though she had an angel speaking through her....I of course said yes.  I had to laugh though, she had the side facing away from me opened & I hadn't quite got to where I could actually identify the gift.....She says, "Do you know what it is?"  I said, "No, not yet."....."Cookies !!!!!!" she exclaimed.  "Do you like cookies?"  I coulda cried through that laughter as she was so genuine with her words & being a tender age of 3.......She helped me with the others as well, my nephew was off with his Daddy playing with the new electronic dumptruck I had gotten for him.  Each time "we" revealed my new gift, my niece would search my face for happiness.......Oh how I have missed those kids........Thank You my beloved Niece & Nephew, although too young to realise it yet, for ridding my evening of cancer, your Aunt Tanya loves you ever so much....

   After the gift giving was over we sat around, stood here & there, just visiting with one another, at that time, I had not been visiting with anyone.  I noticed that my brother had let his dog back into the house.....It had crossed my mind this may open up an old wound for me.  I had lost, unexpectedly, my Golden Retriever about a year & a 1/2 ago.....She was the sister to my brothers' dog......I had mentioned this to my Mother the day of, how I hadn't seen his dog since I lost my baby & hoped my hormones wouldn't get the best of me & make the kids wonder why I was crying....

   The adults were sitting on the large "L" shaped couch chatting & my stomach began to act up again.  I walked around the couch to see the dog just standing behind it.  I decided to sit down on the floor with her to pet her, talk to her, I hugged her; it hit me like a truck..... I started to weep & buried my face into her fur, she turned to give me the lightest "doggie kiss" as if to say, "Don't worry, my sister is doing juuuust fine, please don't cry."  I knew my Niece was just off in the kitchen getting her sippy cup filled with her Dad & as little feet are always busy, it wasn't long before she came up to me & the dog.  None of my tears made headway onto my cheeks or the fur of the dog but I knew my eyes would tell the truth. 

   My Niece sat right down next to me with her now full cup, wiggled her butt to get comfortable & said, "whatchya doin?"  again with that big sweet smile.  I told her I was spending time with the dog.  She reached her little hand way up & pet the dog with me (the dog was diggin' this!) She drew her hand down & said, "You wanna go out there?" pointing toward everyone else.  I said, "Not right now." ----I have to get my composure first---- she said, "Ok" & took a sip off her cup.  The look on her face was priceless.  Whatever was put in that cup of hers caught her off guard.... I inquired.  "Pop!!  Its pop!!"  I was a bit nervous as most of the adults were drinking beer & its not unlike my brothers to get easy kicks at the expense of a child.  When she stated it was pop, I was relieved......Not a drunk 3 year old please! 

   After I re-grouped I mentioned to my caregiver that my stomach was hurting once again & we should think about getting my Mom home & myself back in bed.  My Mom was more than happy to go; the tension between her & the evil-girlfriend was so thick you could cut it with a knife!  I could have taken my meds while I was there, it was only 7pm, I wanted to have more time with those kids, but I wanted to do it being "myself", not the drug infested me......

   I truly believe that those precious moments with those kids will, as I said, forever be etched in their memory.... There is one thing I would have done differently though, made sure there were at least one gift left for each child before passing out everyone else's gifts!  "Mine?  Mine?"  gotta love kids.......

   I went to bed last night wondering if this night; spending that time with my family (my little brother has not seen me in a year so my size was a shock to him; a shock to all really) spending time with two 3 year old angels was the last thing in my life I had to do.  This night, as I thought of that possibility, I wasn't frightened, crying, pacing the floor, I gave it ALL to God.  My cup runneth over....... He gave me yet, another day......

I am glad I have all of this to share with my many readers, I hope each of you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed re-playing my memory as I wrote.....

God Speed,

TT