love the pictures.

...Let the wind style my hair...... (or rip it out! LOL)  thank you for the pics...

Its Sunday & I thought I would write an update.  I have been enourmously ill for 4 days now.  My Nurse had to come out Friday, she stayed for 4 hours, I won't go into the grizzy details for all my chemo readers but will say that today is the 1st day I have been able to keep food down.  I agree with my immune system reacting (its by pure miracle that babies are born everyday as the woman's body goes through rejection) I really want to believe all of this "sickness" I had was fighting those new bad cells however, because my hormones have a great deal to do with my disease was that evenings reaction letting them in?  Fighting them off?  Time will tell..... Needless to say I am very weak, I can't even stand up like a human right now my muscles hurt so badly.  I NEVER wish to experience that again.  I was so exhausted but the pain was so severe I could not sleep.  I even yelped at the nurse; "Why can't you just bring in a damn I.V. & we can be done with this?  I thought Hospice was about dying comfortably??"  She said my name & began to rub my back......

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Oh Kathy, I was not pointing a finger at you my dear, you have never gotten religious on here!  I just know that there are people out here that tend to cram religion down people's throats when I say what I had said, so please, never hold back on here my dear Kathy, I love reading your posts...

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Moving on.....I know my family "has to" love me, maybe, as is very normal for my brother, he had a bit too much to drink when he wrote that.  I don't know, I've "seen" Love & have "felt" love....I would rather walk with Love; I fall, they pick me up, then just feel it like a soft breeze on my face, a breeze that I can not see, can not hold.  Actions speak louder than words.  I could sit here & write a thousand times over that my Father's death was a lie & he is alive somewhere, but that doesn't make it true.  I will not deny that what he had written did warm my little heart, but what happens after the holidays?  Do I have to wait unti next Christmas to get some emotions out of my Family & Friends?  Family is like marriage really, through thick & thin, sickness & in health, til death do us part, although family has no "vows", I believe the bloodline is vow enough.  This will always be a topic I shall touch on (staying true to the title of my thread) & maybe one day I will be able to log on & tell you all how many visitors I have had this week & that week.  Perhaps this has been my goal on here all along, to write uninhibited, get ideas, answers, ways to cope with people who simply "don't do death", to help others to understand that dying; living while dying, is not an easy task but WILL be overcome of the burdens & wonderments of "what's next?"

Actually propped up in bed thinking of each & everyone of you,

Terminal

Should I feel guilty for finding that amusing...hell no!

I have never had long hair but always have liked the wind running through my hair, a sort of freedom comes with it. It also depends on the type of wind. By the sea or on the beach, in snow and ice...My hair is dropping out gradually...slowly when I rub my hand through my hair and look at my hand there are 1 inch pieces of hair all over but as I have an outgrown shaved head it hasn't started to show too bad yet.

Right now Tanya, when you are in pain, imagine me/us saying your name and rubbing your back...I used to have a problem with people saying they are with me in this fight as couldn't understand how they could be...but there are people (such as some on here) that I truly believe are with me in my times of need or at best would be there if they could.

The snow has been bad where I live and I have been stuck in the house for 5 days...also I have passed the 3 of 4 of my bike test so closer to riding my big bike....this is the model I have brought...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3DtoIuY5AM

A suggestion is a beautiful flower or two, pressed in a book between 2 sheets of tissue and preserved in all its beauty. Once it has dried and should only take a couple of weeks then placed in a small frame, with a white background with some lovely words in that beautiful writing...that would be something to remember the Christmas...

I am off for dinner but will check back later for my long awaited email

Much Love

Tony xxx

This 90% looks like fight going on as physical strength goes to somewhere but

not emotional responce.

Cancer looks skillful in inducing depression, fear, but not anger.
In fact, anger was a reaction of Lance Armstrong in his book:

"hey, buddy, you've definately chosen the wrong guy, GET OUT!!!".

As for pics, I have more 2000 of them.

Click on pic for full-size:

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Landing:

(click on pics for full-size)

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Dear Tanya,

Thanks for not taking exception to that post of mine.  I just felt we needed time - out, and Glastonbury's my place to forget everything else.

Thing is, it's not easy to forget when the monkey on your back that you mentioned can become the monster in the mirror.  Oh, yes, Tanya.  I did read what you wrote there, but what could I say?  That we all have those monkeys.  That we all see those monsters at some time in our lives; some of them can't be seen yet?

I could, but this is your monster, and like a parent to a child, I want to look for that monster you've told me about.  Then tell you to go back to sleep, because there's nothing there.  I can't do that, because it wouldn't be true.

I want to be able to answer some of those truths you seek, if you still do.  I think, though, that maybe your questions are mine too.

I realise that I tend to write what I want you to be.  I do mean what I say, but when I write of your growth, I know it's because I associate growth with life and your ability to live it.  Of course, there's an until.  There always is...

With the until, I always hope it won't be yet.  That's very selfish, I know. It's weird too, because I can't bear to see anyone in pain either.  This makes me so angry with myself, because I want to appear decisive about everything.  Cancer makes that impossible.

If I wanted a family reunion, I'd have to go to the local cemetery, so I may have a bit of a rosy view when it comes to relatives. I hope yours haven't distanced themselves from  you so they can get used to not having you around.  Let's say that's the case.  Then, because you're still alive, your family get closer to you.  What happens to them when you're not there? (even if it's subconscously). It may not be something you need to consider, but I wonder if they do.

I remember when my late friend was in hospital, apart from sleeping, I was always there.  A nurse there told me that so many people died without anyone with them.  I wonder now if some of those people who didn't visit patients were just using some sort of coping mechanism to save themselves from a worse bereavement.

Maybe your brother did have a bit too much to drink, but you know as well as I do that alchohol is a great tongue loosener.  More than that, you know love is not always what we want it to be.  Don't tell me 'but surely now they know I need them.'   If we ever get what we want, it's never at a time we need it.

I'm hoping you have a peaceful night.

Best wishes

Kathy

What about a cladder(bad spelling) ring for your brother.It is an irish ring of a crowned heart held by two hands ,it means may love and friendship rule forever.

Dear Tanya,

I hope you've had a couple of peaceful nights.

I have no contradictory points to make, but you mentioned Christmas.  It made me think, so here's a poem:

CHRISTMAS  LIST

I'm making out a Christmas list

What present should I give to you?

A Christmas plant,

Some bottled scent,

Or something else

You never use?

I think I'll give my wish for you

To last this coming Christmastime.

Not an object never used

Just give you back a state of mind.

This Christmas I would have you know

That sense of immortality.

I would have you bore me stiff

With dreams of all that you would be.

Then, Tanya, Christmas Day would pass,

And I know that your pain would come.

I'd realise the gift I gave

Really was an awful one.

So I'll make out my Christmas list

And keep in mind my present to you;

A Christmas plant,

Or bottled scent,

Preferably something you don't use.

Kathy

In actuality, I'm really not into giving presents or giving way to Christmas hype.  Doesn't stop me doing it though.

I'm down to four presents and numerous cards this year.  Oh, and probably a couple of apologies to people I forget to give anything to.