Dear Tanya,

Glad to read you're back and that Tony reminded you of us here.

Best wishes

Kathy

Hi Maria~ I have no children to be able to give you advice on how to help them through it, so sorry :<. I wish I had the answers you need... I am also in America but was not given that "talk to survivors" option..... I just had a friend of mine pass early Monday morning. She was diagnosed with lung cancer soon after I finished my chemo, started doing her chemo & i was "healthy"; mine came back, then hers did as well but this time hers was in her brain and her stomach, last week Hospice came in, her Dr. gave her 2 months to live.... a week later she died. Its going to be hard to go to yet another funeral. Is it just me or does it seem like there has been ALOT of death this year?? Alot of death since I have been diagnosed but perhaps its that same concept as "You do not notice how many Chevy S-10's are on the road until your driving one".

Thank you for your post Maria, I am lonely more than "alone" these days. God has ALWAYS been in my presence but there are times, because we are flawed humans, that I wish he was standing right in front of me, so I could talk to him, he could give me that hug I so desperately need, etc. Just to have some interaction to lessen my lonliness...... One day I will.....

The other day, I layed down to rest my bones, its been ghastly hot and muggy out this way, while i was sleeping, (I am going to try to explain this the best that I am able) It felt like I was leaving my body, I yelled, "Not yet!", which woke me, when i woke it felt as though my lungs had not taken in any air for quite sometime, I coughed and sat up with a start! Maybe that was "My way out". Which brings me back to the fact, I don't know how to die. I don't know how to let go. Maybe this event was showing me "what is to come", what to expect. I don't know. Being young & not have lived a full life, its no wonder I can't just give in to this. There is just too much unfinished bizness in my life, not little things either, things that will take some time. All that aside, I trust God's reasonings, intentions, its up to him, not me. My faith will NEVER faulter, he is my path to a wonderful place none of us are able to understand; you only get to die once........

Terminal Tanya

(I really need to get another of my poems up here for Tony soon, I just don't want to bore anyone as some cringe at poetry; it's an aquired taste =>)

Dear Tanya, You are very wise as well as witty. I'm so sorry we have this burden in common. Yes there has been a lot of death this year. It hurts to hear they have died, I feel like I know some of them better than family. My mother had 16 brothers and sisters, she lost two of them in five weeks. One with breast cancer the other was ovarian, the thing is these two were also born one after another. My mother is out living her siblings. There are five gone now from cancer, one died in a accident. There is a clue hidden in the way they are dying, it should scream the cause of cancer to someone. I believe it is something they've done to the food. I'm so afraid for my children, afraid of them having my blood and my genes. I'm so glad it's me, praise the Lord, but what about later, when I'm gone? I just have to be here. I CAN'T leave them! I don't believe dying will be the hardest part for me, leaving my family, my husband and my kids, just thinking about it is heart breaking. It is so cruel for a young one to have to suffer this demon. I just had treatment yesterday, herceptin and zometa. I sneazed and broke my rib, but the hormone blockers have stopped it, for now. I'm having test every three months on my lungs, some spots showed up and they are watching to see if they grow. It's so hard to wake up and face it everyday. In the beginning I cried every single day when I woke up. Has it became hard for you to get in and out of your water bed? It makes me miss my water bed from years ago. My husband was much bigger than me then and it would force me to lie straight up against him. He snores really badly and has his own bed now, it's sad but he would keep me up all night. I do morphine also and oxycodone for break through pain. I hate taking them, it confirms how sick I am, when I start suffering from pain. The xanax are my favorite, they make me not care....that's big relief. I'm in Tennessee, if we were close we could visit, I type with one finger, it's a good thing I know where the keys are or else this would be impossible. My husband has taken me to Mardi Gras three years in a row now, this year I slept through Fat Tuesday. If I go out early, like before noon, I'll be asleep my six. I hate it! The worry and missing out and the change in me, they all signify death. I'm so sorry for your bad dream, I was having really bad dreams and my doc uped my pill intake, thinking I was in pain in my sleep and that was causing the dreams. God prepares us, what about our families? I wish I could comfort you somehow. Know that I and so many others have you in our hearts prayers. My youngest daughter almost shares your name, only the first letter is different, you could easily be my child! I love you dear heart and please know that you have never been alone. Maria

Dear Patrick, Praise the Lord!!! You have a great heart. The Lord does work in mysterious ways. Your so gracious and just loaded with class,Your a blessing to this world! Love, Maria

Hello Maria~I am beginning to believe we are cloned! Do you happen to be a Sagittarius as well? lol.... Thank you for the lovely compliments, its rare those ever fall on my ears anymore. I agree with the food being "poisoned"; just the other day I was able to get to the grocery store to pick up a few things and I see milk; "Hormone Free", all of these years milk has been pumped with hormones, cows rather, that beautiful red color you see in beef in the stores? That is carbon monoxide that keeps that color! All of these years we have all been unconsciously eating our way to this disease. Perhaps they want to control the population. I have found a butcher shop about a half hour from here where all of their meat is raised by THEM & guaranteed to be fed with hay not HORMONES! I believe that I have beat their "Expiration Date" because I have been eating ONLY the meat I buy from there. Its not bright red, meat is not supposed to be. When I first tried it, I was amazed at how well it tasted, fresh, not that processed flavor. I also eat what my body craves, unless it is craving sugar (cancer feeds on sugar) or chocolate, craving chocolate is masking the true need your body is trying to tell you-Magnesium-Just last week my body had a crrrrazy craving for broccoli, carrots dipped in ranch, grape tomatoes, fruits, all raw & also from a trusted source (no pesticides) that was my dinner, a plate FULL of raw fruits & veggies :D. When we have pain, that is God's gift to us; let you know something is wrong, on that same principal, your body 'knows' how to heal itself, ppl just have to listen to it :)... I too am a finger typist hehe, tried to teach myself how to do it "the right way" but I just couldn't pick it up....Oh yeah, it is definately hard to get out of my bed, mostly becuz I will get so comfortable at times I just want to stay in it all day, but lately my hips, shoulders, knees, bones in general, hurt from sleeping in it, I haven't made that phone call yet, its just hard for me to part with it, hard for me to say I NEED their hospital bed, as it reminds me I'm sick....Perhaps if my support system were stronger my mind would be a bit more at peace. But I believe everything happens for a reason & when it's supposed to....Are you on the pain patch? I also have xanax, yes they also make me not care, a tornado could rip through here and I would probably sing a favorite song while it whisks me away to Oz lol. The oxy did nothing for me but the liquid Morphine (Roxynal) is for break through as well, it works great, just takes a bit of time-feels like cancer has me in a head lock; 20 minutes later, I am victoriously standing on top of cancer cuz I gave IT a black eye!) Is the cancer hormone +?, that chemo is wicked on the bones, I have brittle bones becuz of it so I feel your pain when you say you broke a rib from sneezing.... I am from Michigan (probably wrote that somewhere in here before) I visited Tennessee with my family when I was younger, it is so beautiful there.....I hope you find this next bit some what comforting; right now, we are thinking in our earthly bodies, have alllll kinds of cares, who will react the worse, how will my family deal with my death? My friends? etc. Remember this: When it is time for us to go, those cares, concerns & worries are no more, I believe, some do not, that we will be able to check on our loved ones. We will know everything there is to know; i say this because i had a debate with my social worker when she was still allowed in my home, a friend of mine had been in a stand off, she had some jealousy issues, I backed off from her so she could "think" about it. My social worker told me, "What if you died tonight? You & "my friend" will have never made emends" Right then & there it dawned on me, I told her, "I'll be dead, I won't care about anything anymore". It definately shut her up, she said "Your right" with a nervous laugh. For me, I have been trying to help my circle understand that death is not a bad thing, I'm not the one that will have to deal with it when its over, they will, but of course, none of them want to think about that, the other side of the coin. We shed this weak earthly body for a much better life.... This life is but a vapor. YES! I do the same thing! Get up and around for a while & then just exhausted, lay down about 4 or 5 and sleep right through.... I just try to keep in mind those things that I was able to do that day is a gift, more memories to bring to surface to help me smile when i need it the most....Memory boxes cane NEVER be too full.....God Bless

Tanya

Hey Tanya, Thank you for your response. I'm a Capricorn, LOL! Honey it ain't over until a whole choir of fat ladies sing and sing something good! My aunt who had breast cancer told me I had between six and eighteen months, after I told her it was in my bones, that's the last time I ever spoke to her, she was wrong and had no right. I wish I could just drop the anger I feel for that, I've tried but I just can't. We never had any kind of relationship before she just started calling me after I was diagnosed, I felt obligated to talk to her because she had it, but she would use that as an excuse to approach people with sick children and anybody that had "the look" of cancer, could expect to be approached by her and interrogated. She considered herself an exper and thought everyone that had it was wanting to talk about it, she wallowed in it. I barely know the meds they give me every three weeks. I know everyone is different but I never say anything unless it's a positive thing to say to someone sick. For instance, my mother in law is a twenty year survivor of lung cancer, she has also survived stage 4 breast cancer since then! They found some spots on the surface of her skull but she wanted to keep her hair and just let them look every three months. You know the worst part of losing your hair? Of course you do, it's the other people! I had them go out of there way to take an extra long look at me. I should have screamed "you got a cure"! They are like chickens, pecking you to death because your different. Chickens really do that you know. In the beginning we rode and rode and I cried and cried. The car was my great escape and he would talk positive and try to give me hope and faith. My husband still loves me, I would say very much, but our lives have been destroyed. We aren't intimate at all anymore, you know sexual satisfaction resides in a womans brain and mine doesn't go there anymore. We have tried and pardon me all for being so blunt, but it hurts and now, after 3 years I have discovered why. I know I'm not the only one here who has allowed themselves to become binded up, but God help me how can it be every day? I had the endo- colonoscopy (sic) and I was all clean but you've got to constantly be thinking about your health and everything you eat. I still eat exactly what I want but it isn't beer and wings anymore, I want less and less. I don't have a fav food anymoe, pizza wreaks havoc on my body. I'm angry dammit, I'm so angry. I tried to get the surgeon to remove both breast at once but he said he didn't want to, because infection could set up in the elected side and delay the chemo. Now I have this one really large breast and constantly pulled musles on the opposie side, if I had it to do over I would have made sure to have begged him to remove the other, it's the cause of lots of my pain. Shewwwwwww, I feel better, please forgive me for whinning on like I did. When my doc said it was in my bones I said, if I wasn't so scared I'd ask how long I had, she said Maria, only God knows that. She's one smart, pretty , doctor, who's husband is also a doctor. She laughed at me when she seen the pink streak I've put in the front of my bleached blond hair, LOL.As bad as I've gotten here at the house, I've never been mean to anybody at the hospital. I take everyone candy at Christmas. I want them to like me a whole lot! LMBO....really! I stay in the bed ALL the time and the less I do, the less I feel like doing, duh! But I have my tv and my computer, the kids are watching what they like and everyone just does their on thing, it's sad but I feel like they should get use to me not being here but I'm wasting the time I have with them now.....they don't seem to notice. They use to come in here but now it's less and less. I just can't die in here, I'm afraid it will ruin the house for them. It's all so very sad. I'm so sorry your all alone Tanya but that is what's hurting me the most is having to leave them and anger is a much better feeling than sadness. It seems I can't stop myself! I'm sorry to you all, I'm going to go ahead a wrap up this complaining session. God bless you all out there, my heart is with you, as well as my prayers. I love you all...Maria Message was edited by WildHair

Hey Tanya,

Where that poem you promised me?

Hope you are okay (seems such a stupid question but I will ask it just the same!!)

Much love and sanity

Tony xx

Certainly not a stupid question! It nice to know that someone out there wonders if I'm still alive or have succumbed to this disease. Thank You. I beat the Dr.'s "6 months to a year" notion! Eh, I'm not sure if that's worth an exclamation point though. June 9th. I think now that I am on borrowed time now as I have found yet another lump to add to my cancer collection, now i have 2 to monitor. It came quick, was not there a few days prior to finding it, when i did find it, it is the size of a grape, I am almost afraid to touch my body anywhere anymore, I don't want to know how big they are getting, I don't want to find anymore, you can see them sticking out-I have this vision that I will have a very lumpy body for people to "view"- I just lost yet another friend. She was diagnosed with lung cancer just after I finished my chemo regimen, did the treatments, got a clean bill of health, and 11 months into my diagnosis, she finds out it has came back with a vengence, in her stomach & in her brain. "We give you 2 months to live." They told her, she died the same week..... I wish i could ask her what it was like....I do know now that it is very frequent that before one dies they run a fever, hers was 101F, hours later she passed....At least I will have many faces I know to greet me (probably becuz I won't go easily; what a fine time for my "Fight for Life" instincts to kick in) Although I have not picked up my pen in a while, I will certainly try to write a poem for my Tony You seem to be the only constant on my thread these days, thank you for checking in on me. So now, this evening I shall try to form sentences, to give birth to a poem......Thank you for giving me something to "do" besides trying to figure out how to die...,

Dear Tanya,

Glad to know you're going to write a poem, and glad that you recognised Tony Song as a constant on your thread.