Darling, I read your post and feel so sorry for you! I am not as young as you, but am in almost the same boat. I lost a dear friend a bit older than you just before Christmas who had three children! I am not beig flippant, but read my post called "A different perspective". It might help.

Love and prayers

Grannynanny:grin:

My updates:

*I took one's advice who had replied to my original post, I think that you were correct, I need to ask for help, tell my family & friends I can not do this alone. I started with my eldest brother. I text him simply saying, "I love you, I miss you & I need you. I can't do this alone....." He text me back saying he will be coming over Saturday (this past) My spirit filled with joy, I get to see my big brother! For background sake I must tell you this; His recent girlfriend is a year older than I, we do not get along, I get along with many different kinds of people but now and then, people will clash. At my first benefit (you can read my reply to Grannynanny below) she came up to me after having a bit of liquid courage telling me that I should go and see my brother more often! This was NOT a good start. I was/am in no position to lose friends or make friends especially having to "fight" for a new friendship. She had emailed me before I had ever met her saying I should be here more for my brother, that I should be stronger than this! She has no idea who I am! So at this point I decided she wasn't worth trying to "make friends with". Her & my brother came here for Christmas, I was nothing but nice to her, Hospitable, happy to be able to see my brother. The whole evening she was condescending to me, speaking down to me, just plain short with a holyer than thou attitude. I move on with the rest of my story.... I had text my brother back telling him I really need some brother/sister time with him, meaning without her. He text back saying WE will be there after lunch. I Have high regards for my dignity & Saturday was not a day I wanted just anyone to see me like this. He walked into the house, into my bedroom with her. I said nothing as he kept everything very light hearted. He was here maybe 15 minutes tops, the time he was here, he said your not going to Ireland, you look too bad..... I have made a collage on my closet door of my meeting Celtic Thunder, my being in the papers, cards I have received etc. It gives me something positive to look at everytime I wake. My brother commented on this, "What is this? Your wall of shame?" I just wanted him to leave. Where had "MY" brother gone? How could he disrespect me and my wishes like that? I understand that she is his support system through this, but that was his choice, we do have other family members to lean on that are also dealing/struggling with my illness..... *

I was rather upset and broken hearted that he could be so cruel to me, I curled up into a ball and cried myself to sleep. But I could say that I tried.... After wiping away my tears, I thought I would call another friend that had walked away from me, asking her to come over, by herself also, she brought her husband which i do not know very well. Maybe people are not understanding what the word "dignity" means to me! We hung out in my room talking and what not, it was a pretty nice visit, nice to see "people" that don't have me in the grave yesterday..... She brought an old digital camera with her, the kind that takes a floppy and wanted to show me the different types of photos it could take. Solar, black & white, antique, etc. She took a couple of shots of me to show me the differences. Unbenounced to me, she was going to show EVERBODY that hadn't bothered to come see me, what I looked like !!! I was livid That was breaking my dignity that she too is aware of my protection of......

After my "company day" was over I was going to call my mother, it rang with no answer, an hour after I tried I received a phone call from the hospital. "Your mother is in the hospital" I could only think in my head that this has to be a test, life can not be this cruel! She is still in the hospital as she has COPD. Normally they are able to get her coughing under control but have been unsuccessful this visit. I talk to her on the phone everyday hoping she is going to tell me she is coming home, but she says she is staying another night, and another. I am not worried for her passing from this life to the next, I know all too well what dying feels like & it doesn't scare me. I am going to be selfsih here and say that I don't want to be completely parentless before I am 40. On the other hand, it is NOT fair for her to see her only daughter die from this horrible disease. Its up to God, he gave us all free will and that's why bad things happen to good people. every path of our life, there is a fork in the road, he gave us choice, I chose a different path which led me to my current circumstances. That's life, no one gets out alive! I talked to my mother the night before last, we talked about everything, in our conversation she had apologized for not taking hardly any pictures of me when i was young. For years it had hurt me that I couldn't look at any pictures of my growing up. Last night as I sat alone listening to some music in the distance, i thought about what she had said & how I felt about it years ago. I opened this "box" & climbed out of it, thinking, there are no pictures of me growing up because I had left many memories for them to cherish, there is no better picture than a memory.......

Terminal

Dear Terminal,

Sounds like one of those dark days we all have. I hope the rest of today is better for you. Are you still considering writing some poems?

Best wishes

Kathy

HI, I to read your blog with a heavy heart, your loneliness seems to be so unfair when you really need your family and friends to be with you right now. I lost my brother in law to a brain tumor, he was 35. I also nursed my sister in law who passed with breast cancer, and now my best friend is terminally ill. I know from my own experience that its vital that you dont feel alone. Is there anyone in your family or your friends who you can really open up to, totally trust....because I know that sometimes people just need to be led by the person who is going to pass away. they feel awkward, they dont know what to do or to say, , their feelings of helplessness make them stay away because they cant handle the situation. i would really appeal to you to try to reach out to someone you know and trust, and really put all your feelings out there....if you cant do it face to face with them, then write them a letter. You should not die alone darling, so please do something to change this situation. I am glad that the dream foundation made a dream come true for you, always try to think of the good things you have done, and not the negative, dont waste your time on the negative things, turn things around and say to yourself, yes, I am in an appalling situation, but for as long as I am here, I am going to live .....really live, and not live in fear.

My heart really does go out to you. Please talk to someone, you need to darling. I want you to know that death is not the end, it will be the beginning of a new journey for you, I will keep you in my prayers and I will pray that somehow your final months or years will be filled with positive experiences and that you will be surrounded by the love that you deserve.

May God bless you and keep you, and may you feel him with you right now. x

Hi Terminal,

I was so sad and angry when I read your last post. I am afraid people can be very cruel and selfish at times. I think the trouble was your brother was afraid to come to see you on his own and that is why his partner came with him. He probably did not know what to say or how to behave with you hence his attitude. I knew someone when I was in hospital with Breast cancer and she had come in to undergo tests. They knew it was breast cancer but needed to find out via biopsys etc what grade etc. She had told her son who was about 28/29 that she had breast cancer and it was on the cards she would need her breast removed and all he could say was and I quote "Well mother - that will put pay to your naturist visits on the beach as no one will want to look at your naked body with your boob gone will they". I was apalled by his remarks and told this poor woman so. She was so upset by his cruelty and lack of human understanding. I know its of little comfort but families can and do react badly at times because they do not know how to handle such devastating news.

I hope your mum gets out soon from hospital and the two of you can spend some time together so you do not feel as alone as you do now. My thoughts and prayers go with you. Take care for now.

Bubbles.xx

A Poem I had written shortly after being given an "Expiration Date"...

Tomorrow Never Comes By T.S.M.

Tomorrow was supossed to come,

With its beautiful morning dew,

One I wished I could have seen,

Instead, you wanted me with you--

I begged & asked to be left alone,

I kicked & fought as hard as I could,

Tomorrow is one I will never see,

I took it for granted that I would--

As I turn in my badges,

And relish my deeds,

I hold no regrets,

This one I have foreseen--

I've learned what life means,

You're never promised a "Tomorrow",

Please dance for yourself & for me,

And leave behind all your sorrows--

Many things I wanted to do,

All taken away from me,

But I'll play in Heaven this day,

Rejoice in where I will be--

As I rise up higher than high,

My pain & anguish subside,

People greet me at the door,

As I approach, they all step aside--

Remember me as I write,

Hold no tears inside,

I am where life has taken me,

As the Holy One I sit beside--

This is one of many poems I have written throughout the years, I have had 3 of my poems published with an offer from Noble House International.

Dear Terminal,

Your poem's good. I write poetry and it comes from where I am; whatever level I'm on at the time, so I like to see poetry kept real.

I'm going to ramble a bit, but I feel as someone who's been with someone who was losing their life, that it's very important to be on the same level. But it's not easy to gauge whether you are or not. Poetry defines what that level is. I mean, you can see where a person's coming from in their words.

I remember writing a poem, and reading it to my friend when she'd been given the 'final diagnosis.' It was about how I felt rejected that she was leaving me behind, and that she wasn't letting me in. That poem hit the spot, and we had a different level of honesty between eachother after I'd read it.

To your poem; it's weird. It asks 'Remember me as I write' and it is done, because I can't forget a person who's taught me so much about the way the 'immortals' behave (or made me acknowledge it).

Best wishes

Kathy

Hi,

I am so sorry to hear how sad you are, dying from cancer must be very scary and being cheated with such young life. My husband is terminally ill and we feel cheated and sad everyday, he has 3 young boys 3 years, 6 years and 11years old, and telling them that their father has been given 3-6 months is heart breaking. I promised that no matter what happens I will never send him to a hospice, he will die at home with me and the boys.

I hope this note finds you a little more confortable and please write if you can.

God bless

Dear FrancesAli,

I saw your reply to Terminal's post, and it was heartbreaking.

I don't have children, and can only imagine what it must feel like to know your children's father will not always be in their prescence. So it's for your family that I feel saddness.

Take care.

Kathy