Hi Lisa and Terminal.

I was so sorry to read about your husband Lisa and I think your courage ,bravery and compassion shine through your post. I cannot begin to assume what you must be going through but hope you find plenty of support with your family and friends and also on here. I am also worried like Rodis about terminal and hope if you are reading this that you realise how much people really care about your situation. I hope you have found the courage to ring your family and friends but if not we are all here for you and each other.

Bubbles.

Thank you very much for your support. Worried about Terminal, no one should go through this alone. I've just waved bye bye to my aunty and we haven't spoken for a couple of years - all very silly but this just puts things into perspective. There have been a few moments of humour and strange co-incidences. The chairman of a company I used to work for in the city died this afternoon in the room next to martin. I would never have imagined that 15 years ago. Had a mini row with the kitchen porter this morning. martin had his old neighbours from his first marriage come and visit - I got them some tea but he wanted some biscuits, they have massive boxes of biscuits in this place so I just went and asked - only to be told that it was too close to lunch. I lost it a bit and announced a bit too dramatically that 'if a man dying of cancer wants a c*cking chocolate hobnob can we please give him one.'

He is very down but refusing to discuss his condition and I don't want to talk to him about it either. A few people have suggested we try to get a place in the hospice but I can't bear to crush his hope by mentioning it. I'm dreading the time when we have to discuss it because he will inevitably worsen. I have no idea what will happen or who I talk to. Our GP is utterly rubbish even though I have asked many times for support, I've emailed Macmillan and they said someone would contact me and they never did - it seems that everyone is happy to just carry on without causing too many inconveniences to their working shift. I will get on with some emails tonight and see if I can sort something out.

I want to thank all of you for your support and posts to my thread, it is my hope that I have opened a bit of a positive "Pandora's Box". For thee uncomfortable reasoning of society, I believe is the reason why there is no place for people like "us" (others who have posted with their own terminal or a loved one terminally ill) to go, to know that we are truly not alone, what it feels like to be knocking on death's door. Should God take me tonight, I hope that this "door" that I have opened will never be shut and locked ever again....... I apologise that I have not gotten on sooner, I have been sleeping much and did not receive emails that people had replied to my thread until today. I did make those phone calls and there was nothing to be said, I get the response from my eldest brother, "What do you want? I'm busy!" That doesn't enable me to lead into the conversation of saying I am not capable and I need your help. Its as though people are angry at me, as though this cancer is/was self inflicted. I don't believe I will ever understand humans as much as I can understand myself, it is always a learning curve, however, I am not alone spiritually indeed. This "alone time" and reading all of your generous posts has really helped me think about everything. Forgiving is one of the first things I did on my "to do" list It is a hard walk to forgive. In light of my first post, I would like to say that this has taught me so much, what a better teacher than cancer, I've learned to love from a far distance, I've learned to make things right that I have wronged, in the begining of my journey I sat everyone down in my circle, one at time, one day at a time, and told them everything i needed to tell them, even though cancer is vicious and doesn't care, it is my teacher giving me a golden opportunity to "dance" on hopefully soon, a good day, to sing out of tune to Celtic Thunder, the men that inspired me to fight my first round of cancer in this life I would like to call "Boot Camp". I am still here and I will be until I am no longer able, let's hope people who are dying will come through this door for years to come. I need to know I am not alone with my diagnosis as I am sure many others feel. Thank you so very kindly for your thoughts and posts. This may very well be my new "circle". I saw a post that someone wished to send me something in the mail, I do have a P.O. Box and will leave it at the end. Please help me to show cancer that I will NOT be alone! I again, thank you for the support and will check in as often as I am able......

T.M.

PO Box 244

Shelbyville, MI

49344

I will always, for as long as I am able, send you a letter as well

Looking forward to my new circle,

Terminal

Hi Terminal,

Thank you for ledtting us know how things are. I am so sorry for your brothers lack of understanding and human kindness. Let us hope he never finds himself in this situation and if he does maybe - just maybe he will start to understand a little of what you are going through at this time. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care for now.

Bubbles.xx

Hi Lisa, Ive always thought that cancer has many different effects on people. Some families it draws together and others it can tear apart. With mine it papered over the cracks for a while but ultimately it did a lot of damage causing my sister to really resent the attention I got. The fact I never wanted it in the first place did not seem to enter her head and now we do not speak at all. I reached out but also got rejected as has Terminal. I did so hope it would not be the same for her.

It must be very hard to even contemplate the time when a hospice is needed. My mothers friend ended her days in our local one and the care and support she got was brilliant. They still support her daughters and they in turn raise money for them. Try having a word with Martins Oncology team at the hospital. They can help sort this out with you. Try the Macmillan again and explain you have contacted them once and no one got back to you and that it is urgent.

I cannot believe the stupidity of being refused choccy biscuits because it was near lunchtime. It did make me smile. I can only imagine the Porters face!!!!!! Serve him right. Anyway who the hell does he think he is!!!!!! When my dad was terminally ill he used to eat what he wanted when he wanted and that was on the advice of his hospital.

Take care for now.

Bubbles.xx

Hi Terminal,

What a wonderful post, eloquent thoughtful and so pertinent - you certainly have created a 'new circle' long may it last. I can find no words to reply to your post as all seem insignificant, suffice to say I am pleased you have replied and what a wonderful support system you have created so trust it continues.

Your address leads me to think you are in Michigan USA - is this correct? Please continue to post as you feel able. Kind thoughts and good wishes. Rodis.

Dear Terminal

Im crying while reading your post, its something that anyone can connect to, even though havnt had the actual painful experience, yet. just wanted to say that u r surly not alone and your family dont know how to deal with your situation, believe me, not everyone is strong and can digest things the same way. I have just started my phd on cancer research,ill always remember u and ur name.

with love xxx

zendegi

Dear Terminal,

I love your post, and am in awe of your honesty with the people around you. That I should have your strength is now an aspiration.

Yes, you have opened a door; for people who afraid of what cancer means and to those who are dying and alone (maybe with people, but still alone). There is more, and that is by writing to use, you're allowing us to share your journey with you. Though cyberhands accross cyberspace to you is little, it is well meant.

I have seen so much of me in you; your decision to succeed alone in life, and I believe that one day I may need to ask for help from someone. You've taught me by your actions that I can be who I want to be at any given time (if I'm brave enough) and can force myself to ask for help.

And your post makes me realise that dying for some equates with a period of confinement and we don't hear from them. I really believe you've changed this site in that area.

Thanks.

Kathy

Dear Terminal,

Hope your day's going well.

Just letting you know I'm here and thinking of you.

Said you'd taught me, and that I realised that maybe I'd need to reach out to someone one day. Well, I asked my friend (who I usually care for if he would be my next of kin (I have no family) on paper. Luckily he was delighted and said yes.

As for the way people who experience cancer are treated, your first post particularly, took me back to a time when my friend had cancer (which to the rest of the world means certain death). We went to the same places, met the same people and had discussions where we put the world to rights. One of them ended with the comment to my friend "You're dying and you want to take us with you." That and other comments like it (with the same attitude) made us decide we would'nt discuss the cancer with anyone so we kept it a secret. Everyone knew, obviously, but they were no longer there to hear about the cancer's course.

What if I had'nt been friends with Joanna? There are so many people dying and keeping what you called a 'dirty secret' and I'm so angry. I remember in my first post I said 'forgive them.' Lovely sentiments, but why should you or anyone else in your situation have to be forgiving? In defence of myself, all I wanted was you to have someone with you and thought that I was right in what I wrote. And I'm not sorry because I'd write the same thing again.

Now you've highlighted this issue, how can things change? How do you bring people to acknowledge an issue in life that they're afraid of themselves?

Best wishes

Kathy