Hello all, I’m sorry if this post is very disjointed as at this point I haven’t slept in 2 days.

My beautiful strong wonderful mum got admitted to hospital 2 weeks ago because she had a couple of falls. A week later, after her birthday and retirement day happens in hospital, I find out that she has lung cancer. I have been very upset for days at this point. Christmas Eve rolls around, she gets discharged! No need for oxygen to come home, but I notice that there’s midazolam and hyoscine in the bag and I start to freak out internally. I read the discharge notes and I find out.

My mum has terminal lung cancer. She has metastases in her bones, her brain, her adrenal gland and her stomach and pancreas. I believe she may already be in the process of dying. 

I feel really really really frightened as anyone would do when losing their mum but I am 24 and I am autistic. I have severe mental health issues, namely OCD, which started around childhood as the direct fear of losing my mum to lung cancer. I knew something was wrong for months and I’ve been having an increase of my panic attacks and nightmares and my OCD has gotten worse and now to have my very worst fear confirmed I genuinely do not know what to do.

I am not alone in that I have my older sister and my dad and my sister’s partner and my own partner and my friends but I feel so sick and unwell. My mum is the one who wipes away my tears when I cry. She’s the one who looks after me when I have my panic attacks. What she has put up with as a result of my illnesses over the years, her last healthy years, I will never ever forgive myself for. She’s my rock and she’s dying and I’m scared.

I feel like I’m going to be so useless in the next coming days or weeks and make things worse for my mum and my family with how I am. I would move heaven and earth to make my mum happy but she’s spent Christmas Eve night consoling ME and holding ME close and telling me I’LL be okay. She is so brave. I love her so much. I feel like my whole world has been ripped apart