Cancer Research UK main site

Does anyone else feel the same? Going in to a hospice tomorrow and feeling scared

Blue-girl
Offline

It's almost 4 in the morning, I have just taken my meds.  Tomorrow I will be going in to a hospice.  Now the reality is really dawning on me........this is it.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer 6 years ago, but it is only now, at this stage of the journey, that it has really hit home:  I am going to die.  I don't think I have ever felt so alone in my life.  I am thinking of the people that I must leave behind......my husband most of all.  Part of me feels so guilty, because I know that my loss will be hard for him and my other family members.......and yet part of me wants this nightmare over and done with.  I am not looking for a pity party, honestly I'm not.........but I admit that I feel scared..........I know that I am not the only person in the world going through this, but it feels like I am.........sorry for rambling on......I just needed to reach out...............

  • Online

    Hello, I want to say thank you for being here for others. You always have a willing hand to help those in need. You always offer advice, support and comfort to people while you have to endure your own illness. I just want to let you know that you are such a WONDERFUL person. I greatly admire and respect you.
    I remember last summer you helped an accessible and chatty lady who called Clare. She took great comfort from your kind words when she was dying. She valued you highly as a friend. She even thought you were passing on when you needed some rest offline and posted a message to pray for you.
    And I also remember you have mentioned that you had never had children of your own(chatting with Clare). So I was wondering if I could call you Mum once.
    Be brave, Mum. you know you have to, as usual, don't you?

  • Offline in reply to Pawpaw123456-_

    Hello Pawpaw, THANK YOU for your lovely message.  And yes, of course you can call me Mum!   It's 4.44am and I am having a cup of tea (I LOVE my tea)!  I am now in the Hospice and everyone here is so kind and caring, and I am realising that there was no need for me to feel so worried about coming here.........I guess it is fear of the unknown isn't it Pawpaw?  And yes, I have been wondering about dear Clare..........I am guessing that she passed on..........I remember that I needed to take a break from the forum for personal reasons...........I truly hope that Clare understood............I felt so guilty because I felt like I was abandoning Clare in her hour of need, but there were things happening with my own family that very much needed my attention, and I had to focus on them instead.  You see Pawpaw, when my Mum and Dad died, I sort of became the Matriarch in my family, and everyone turns to me when something is going wrong in their lives, and that means that although I don't have children of my own, I have kind of become the 'Mother' figure for everyone in my immediate family, and of course this means that as the 'Mother Figure' I have to put them first.  It is kind of weird, because I am the youngest in my family, and you would think that one of my older siblings would have 'Inherited; the 'Mum' role, but somehow the 'Mum role' passed to me!  Also Pawpaw, I felt very, very ill and I thought that I was going to die.  Back in November 2022, my Doctor told me that I had about a year to live, and I thought that I would surely be gone by November 2023.......but no, I was still here (although I was feeling very poorly)............and more recently, November 2024 came and went..........which means that I have now  gone 16 months over what the Oncologist predicted.............which proves that you really can not tell what will happen with this monster disease.  Anyway mate, I will be here on the forum until I need another break, and yes, I am quite happy for you to call me Mum........actually it is very flattering!  Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, it really means a lot to me............and of course you are right........I have to carry on as best as I can.  Take care mate, xx

  • Offline

    Hello,It's only natural to fear the unknown, fear the worst. Everyone does. I'm so glad to hear you are feeling comfortable and having a nice cup of tea in the Hospice. Sometimes when you feel uneasy, a cup of tea can calm you down magically, isn't it? Do let the staff know when you need anything.

    And thank you for letting me call you Mum once. It was very considerate of you. If I did it to other people, they must think I was mad or something. I would like to say that it is not unexpected that you are a mother figure in your family even you are the youngest. Because everyone wants to rely on people who are gentel, kind and caring. They really do.

    There is no need to feel any guilt about Clare. You did your best for her. It was centainly understandable that you put your own family first. She found some new friends later. And yes, she's not here anymore. Probably passed on last September or October.

    I'm fine, don't worry about me. I'm preparing myself to go back to university.

    By the way, you wouldn't call your child mate, might be soulmate(just joking).Take care, do let the staff know if you need anything.

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.