Coping with family tensions when someone is dying

Hello all, this is my first post so hopefully I'm in the right area.

My mum is currently dying from stage 4 lung cancer and we're not expecting her to last much past the end of the year, which is of course devastating. She was diagnosed in June, so it's been quite a short journey to get here. She is cared for at home by my stepfather and I go down every couple of weeks to see her and give him a break where I can. I have never had a good relationship with him and as we get closer to mum probably dying, this is only getting worse. We had a party recently for all of mum's friends to see her and say goodbye to her and my stepfather is fuming with me because I wrote some words for the party about my mum and didn't (in his view) include enough about him. He's been really quite nasty to me over the last week and I know this is really upsetting my mum (a week later he is still ranting about it in front of her). He seems to take his frustrations and fears out on me in particular and is of a generation that wouldn't dream of speaking to someone or joining a support group for more healthy ways to cope. I have siblings, but it's particularly me who he seems to hate. 

I feel like there isn't an outlet for me to deal with this at all at the moment, beyond limiting contact with him to essential comms about mum only. I just wondered if anyone has experienced anything like this with family and has any good ideas for coping strategies during this time. I think I am definitely going to need to look in to counselling once mum is gone but I'm not sure how helpful it would be to start that when we are probably only weeks away from her death.

Thanks so much xx

  • Hi gingerbelle, 

    Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear that your mum is dying after being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer - this is really sad news and must be so upsetting for all her loved ones. Having to see her go through this is already truly heart-breaking but adding to this all these family tensions must be emotionally draining and exhausting for you. It does sound like you have never had the best relationship with your stepfather and I am so sorry to hear he has upset you so much in recent weeks and it must be rather distressing for you to see that he is vocal about this in front of your mum. You should not be bearing the brunt of his frustrations and I can understand why you would want to keep your distance - perhaps you can try and stay as polite as possible with him for the sake of your mum in her final days, focusing on her and on supporting her as much as you can and trying to not pay attention to this kind of negativity. I know it's easier said than done though and I hope that you will hear from other members of our community who have similar stories to share and who may have some good ideas based on their personal experiences of how they themselves dealt with such family conflicts or tensions when a loved one was dying. It's incredibly sad for you to have to go through this and I would say that it isn't too early to consider starting counselling now. Do talk to your GP about it and they will I am sure be able to point you in the right direction. We have useful information on our website on how counselling can help  and on how to find a counsellor which might be worth reading.  

    We're thinking of you during this difficult time and I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and our forum is always here for you anytime you want to reach out to others who understand what you are going through at the moment. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator 

  • Hi Gingerbell 

    I’m so so sorry you are going through this it’s got to be heartbreaking enough dealing with your poor mums diagnosis without the added hurt from this person.How is mum now how are you ? Are any of your siblings able to speak to him  and express how this is impacting you and the time you have left with your mum . I guess he’s taking his hurt and anger out in you as you are further away maybe he resents you for this what ever his reasons they are wrong you don’t deserve this and I’m sure your mum is also upset about it .. I’m sorry I can’t be much more help but I am here if you need a chat anytime and I send you love strength prayers and ((hugs)) take care you matter so much -Tina 

  • Hi Tina and Lucie, thanks so much for the replies <3 Mum died early December, I was with her and glad that I got to be there at the end and that she is no longer in pain. Tensions remained quite high with my stepdad in the week before she died but things have calmed down since - I can recognise that he was in denial about what was going to happen and needed to take his feelings out on someone, it's just unfortunate that that was me. He's not really reached out since the funeral beyond practicalities about mum's stuff and funeral arrangements, but I know he's been in touch with my brothers. That's ok and what I expected to happen. I just hope he'll find a productive way to cope and move forward with life now that mum is gone. I don't imagine we'll continue to have a relationship going forward... I've booked an initial counselling sessions to try and start unpicking everything that's happened in the last 6 months since mum's diagnosis. 

  • Hi Gingerbelle,

    I am so sorry to hear that you lost your Mum at the beginning of December and I send my Sincere Sympathy. I am so glad to hear that you managed to be with her at the end.

    It must be a relief that things between your stepfather and yourself have calmed down recently and I hope that they stay this way. The additional strains of an impending death and possibly a severe lack of sleep, can cause many of us to lash out at loved ones. I am sorry that this had to happen to you and hope that he will reach out to you one day. You would think that losing a loved one might bring a family closer together, but it often seems to have the opposite effect. 

    I am glad to hear that you have booked some counselling and I sincerely hope that this helps.

    Please keep in touch and let us know if you find this to be of any use. We are always here for you.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx