SB76, I am so sorry you’re going through this with your dad, I am going through very similar situation with my mum. She was diagnosed with  esophageal cancer in September also, and  that has spread into her stomach and now lung, operating was not really an option for her due to her size and the amount of joins they would have to complete, chemo has been stopped after just two cycles due to constant infections, she has a stent in also but is fed through a JEJ tube into her bowel,  and has been in hospital this time for 6 weeks trying to get her chest clear and breathing sorted, my family are all in Northern Ireland and I live in England, I fly over every other week but I suppose I’ need to find out how ok g my mum has left so I can be here more, I’m currently on my way to the hospital to try and catch the consultant to ask the question, I don’t know if this is the right thing to do, I don’t t know if she will even tell me without my mums knowledge, but I know my mum definitely would not want to know this. Has anyone any thoughts on asking this? 

Hello Son0302, so sorry your Mum and your family are going through this.  I nursed my Mum through terminal cancer and me and my sister asked her Oncologist to tell us the truth regarding our Mum's condition.  I remember saying to him, "Please tell us the truth.....is our Mum going to die?"  and he replied "Yes, she is".  It was quite a blow I can tell you, but at least we knew what was going to happen.  I live in England and I don't know of things are different in Northern Ireland, but I don't see anything wrong in you asking.  Best wishes, xx

Thankyou for the kind words blue girl, I am so sorry to hear about your mum, it’s just an awful disease. I spoke with the palliative nurse today and I was told long weeks, short months, whatever that really means. It was such a hard thing to hear,  but I knew deep down mum didn’t have long now. I’m leaving for England now and havnt seen my sister, I now am so worried about telling her as I don’t think she will want to know, but think she may be upset if she find out I never told her. 

Hello Son0302.  It's a terrible situation isn't it?  I think that you should tell your sister, because as you say, she might be upset that she was never told about your Mum.  You don't want any bad feeling between you and your sister later on, and as hard as it is, I feel that your sister really needs to be told.  I feel so sorry for you, because I have walked in your shoes, and it is awful.  Sending hugs to you, xx

Thankyou for your words. It’s just so ***:( I have spoken to my sister and it turns out she already knew this n her heart but both her and a work colleague mentioned to me they could see I was in denial as to how sick mum was:( 

Hiya Son0302.  It's absolutely natural to not want to believe the worst isn't it?  My eldest sister was the same.......even when the Oncologist told us that there was nothing that could be done for our Mum and that she was going to die, my sister couldn't seem to accept it.  I think that's why our Mum's death hit her the hardest......she simply never believed that it was going to happen.  There's nothing I can say to you that will bring you any comfort, because the loss of our Mums is one of the biggest losses we will ever go through.  The only thing I can do is send you my prayers and best wishes, and once again, I am so sorry for what your Mum, you and your family are going through, xx

That would have been a tough decision but you 100% made the right choice. I would have chosen the same. Carers are now in place to help four times a day which has been good for mum. And work has been great allowing me to reduce duties and work from home so I’m able to be there more. Thank you so much, it really does help to share experiences with people who have been in similar situations xx 

Oh Son0302 I am so sorry to hear that you’re going through the same with your lovely mum. It’s heartbreaking. Operation was not an option for dad either. He did try one round of chemo but ended up with pneumonia which scared him and after that he refused further treatment. We weren’t given the option of feeding tube as they said he wasn’t strong enough. 

dad asked the consultant at the beginning to be straight with him and tell him how long he had. They were reluctant to put a time on this but eventually told him 6 months. I do think as a next of kin you should be able to ask and be told this information. I have seen a massive decline in dad and he can barely do anything now. Bless him. I just don’t know how long he will carry on like this. 

I hope you are able to get the information you need. Keep me posted and please look after yourself x

I suppose we think our parents will just be around forever, it’s a hard pill to swallow, but time with mum is now so precious, nothing else matters. Thankyou for your kind words again