I am utterly devastated and inconsolable with heartache. What was once such a physically strong and wise man is now so frail, weak and at times an incoherent shell of a human being. He has been moved to a hospice which I visited alone today. At first I was in shock at his brutal weight loss. Not complete shock, as his body has already withered away so much at this point but this week has been s o drastic considering the length of time. We began talking and he was uttering about such random things. I would bring up some of my favourite childhood memories of him and he would smile at me as I kn ow he remembered them too. I must say, I prefer him being in there instead of the hospitals that he has been constantly in and out of over the last year since his lung cancer diagnosis. The staff s em very pleasant and helpful and he has a lovely view into a communal garden there. His room is very spacious whilst being almost immaculately clean. The affected lung with fibrosis and cancer is drained regularly. He is also on a constant supply of oxygen and morphine. I saw him a week ago and the deterioration has been staggering. Between his random ramblings today I told him again that I lov d him so very much and that he will always hold a special place in my heart and memory. As I wiped away my tears, we had a moment where I was me and he was his 'real' usual self when he told me that he he loved me too. We have always been affectionate with each other but to have this moment where he came out of the haze that is due in part to the morphine and partly to the spreading of the cancer is something that I will never forget. He even offered for me to stay over at the hospice with him, which did make me giggle slightly, I told him that we weren't in a hotel. I wish the radiotherapy had been a success. I wish I could give my life so that he could carry on living his. When it was time to leave, I said goodbye to him while reaffirming that I loved him and I started to cry again as I didn't know if it was g oing to be the last time I ever communicated with or saw him. I closed the door and stood watching him through the window as he lay back and closed his eyes. The tears flowed all the way home. He has been on my mind for a lot of this year but for the last few weeks he is all I can think about. I cannot begin to describe how much I will miss this man with his humour, wisdom, kindness and affection. Not ure if anybody will read this but my deepest sympathies go out to anybody who has themselves battled this atrocious parasite or had anyone close to them affected. Cherish each and every second you have in this life (even the bad ones) and love yourself and others ️<3️
