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How do people get through it?

Spaltungen
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Hi, 

I'm not sure what do. I'm very lost.

Last Christmas, my mum was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. My mum is fighting this like a trooper. She has been so incredibly strong through it all. 

I want to be strong for her but grieving over someone that is still alive, is becoming more and more difficult to deal with every day. Im not sure that she'll see the next side of Christmas. 

I know that I am being incredibly selfish but, my whole world has been shattered. It feels like all I am doing is waiting for that phone call to say that she finally lost her fight. 

I'm losing my mum and losing apart of my self with each passing day. 

How do people cope with these feelings day in and day out? How do people cope not knowing how long your loved one has left? 

Not knowing is the hardest part.  

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    Hi Spaltungen,

    A very warm welcome to our forum.

    I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and know just how hard this is. Does your mum live near you and do you see her often? Instead of thinking of a future without her, try to live in the day. Try to make each day as comfortable as you can for her. Don't leave anything left unsaid between you. Try to treasure the moments you have just now and if at all possible, make some memories. Has your mum done all that she wants to in this life, or is there anything that she may still want to do, or people she may want to see? If so, perhaps you could help her with this.

    Grieving does tend to start at this time and it is hard to cope with this, as well as caring for your loved one. Nobody can tell us how long anyone has left. At best, your doctors may be able to give you a "guesstimate", but they are not always keen to do this, as they are frequently wrong. You're quite right - living in limbo and not knowing is the hardest part. have you lost anyone before? The first time you do this is always the hardest. Do you have family or friends, who can support you at this time?

    You might find it helpful to talk to a counsellor about how you feel. Many cancer charities offer this service. Some, like Maggie's, are  situated throughout the country, but if there isn't one near you, there will be other local support groups, who can help you. These services are usually free of charge.

    Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. We are always here for you.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

  • Hi spaltungen, my sister was told a year ago that she had stage 4 throat cancer and was nothing they could do for her. They have given her a round of radiotherapy which finished in April and we still haven’t been told anything else yet even after biopsies etc so again we are also having to cope with the not knowing.  I lost a brother in 2020 aged 34 and another in 2021 aged 39 so these last 3 years have really been hard.  Only thing I can actually say is just to be there for your mam, make memories (we all wish we could have had that chance with my brothers) and take every day as it comes.  My parents are taking my sister on little holidays and out for meals and just doing anything they can to spend as much time around her until they get what ever news is to come.  X

  • Offline in reply to Jacksonjet

    Hi Jacksonjet,

    What a nightmare time your family have had. I am so sorry to hear of what you have been through and are going through. I lost a brother when he was only 29 and know how devastated we all were. My mum never really got over that, so I can only imagine how your poor parents are coping with losing 2 young sons, within just a year of one another. No parent ever expects to lose a child and to be facing this possibility for a third time seems so unfair.

    I am so glad that your diagnosis is so much better, but this must still have come as a shock to your family. It is reassuring that your outlook looks so much better than your sisters and that none of your lymph nodes appear to be involved. With your diagnosis, this is just a bump in the road. With your surgery now in place, it's just a case of head down and get on with it all - you'll be back to yourself in no time.

    I hope that you're not getting too nervous about your surgery as it looms closer. Most of us do, but it is a very straightforward operation and nothing to worry about.

    Thinking of you,

    Jolamine xx

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