Welcome to the forum, but I am so sorry that you find yourself here.

It is so hard when a loved one is told that there is nothing more that can be done, we just want to make it better for them and to keep them by our side.  I lost my mum to cancer at the end of last year, the end came very fast for her, which with hindsight was a blessing as she was in alot of pain.  In the months since her death, I have taken a lot of comfort from having spent alot of time with her whilst she was ill, we used to talk about lots of silly pranks that my sister and I used to get up to, we just felt close to each other.  I am lucky in the fact that we have a very strong faith, so she was not afraid of dying, we believe that she is now at peace and with my sister again, who also died from cancer, that is a big comfort.

Tell your dad how much you love him and just be there for him, that will mean more to him than anything. 

I wish you well on this journey,  its a very hard road to travel losing a parent.

Regards

Annie

Hi red_onex,

I'm very sorry about your dad's diagnosis. 

I have sadly been through this journey with my own lovely dad. My dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2020, we were told he was recovered but sadly last September we found out that the back pain that dad was experiencing was advanced cancer. The diagnosis was completley out of the blue and I can only describe it as like my world exploding. My dad is my favourite person and I was not only facing losing my dad but it all felt unbearably cruel as dad was only 70 and was as fit as someone half his age. 

If your experience is anything like mine you will experience a variety of emotions sometimes in the space of a few days, hours or minutes. I tried to carry on working but ended up taking time off work and moving in with my parents to provide care and support as my dad deteriorated rapidly. My dad just wanted me to spend time with him as that brought him comfort and I am grateful that I spent the 8 weeks we had together. Other things that seemed to help was me being his advocate, anything to do with appointments or doctors I arranged it all and was with him every step of the way. 

There is a pressure to make memories and have happy quality time after such a diagnosis and if people are able to do that then it is a great thing. My time with my dad and conversations we had were special but there was a lot of stress, chaos and sadness along the way. Regret is common with anticipatory grief and then the grief after you lose your loved one. I felt huge regret that I couldn't save my dad, why my dad? This has faded now and I know I love my dad dearly and I know I did everything I could to care for him to the best of my ability and I know he felt safe with me. 

My dad deteriorated rapidly after diagnosis if anyone asked for advice I would say have any conversations and talk about practical things too (and their wishes moving forwards) whilst the person is able to. 

I never thought I would ever be able to cope with losing my dad. I love him so much and I was terrified when we found out he was dying but somehow we find a way to carry on. 

It's so tough. Look after yourself too and keep reaching out. You are never alone. 

Xx

I feel the same right now with Dad. He was never ill, never had bloods taken, never went to the doctors. So last year in May when we was told he had bladder cancer, it was hard to take it all in. We got told in January he would have  weeks even days to live. However my Dad managed to beat the odds and he is still with us. Unfortunately last few weeks he has got weaker and the hospice has told us he has weeks maybe a month I get so angry when we get told how long. I find it hard to cry as I feel it is not real, is this normal to feel this way? 

Hi Prindos, 

I'm sorry about your dad's diagnosis.

It's very normal to feel all and any kind of emotions, including feeling numb and disbelief that your loved one is coming to the end of their life. 

It all happened very quickly with my dad, he died two months after we found out that the cancer had returned. We were told he was going into hospice to get the pain under control and we thought he would come home again.

Dad didn't come round and the hospice doctor then told us it could be a few weeks but dad passed away three days later. I have been through every emotion i could imagine since dad's diagnosis, then time in hospice and now with the grief after losing him. 

There is no normal way to feel, my advice would be to just take it as it comes and deal with things day by day, hour by hour.

It will be two years this November since my Dad died. It still doesn't feel real sometimes and the emotions still vary from day to day. I just take them as they come.

Sending best wishes.