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How can I support my mum? Feel so useless

Hannah271990
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Hi all

My mum is now at a stage where conversations have happened and she is coming to terms with having stage 4 cancer and being in a hospice. I dont know if she will come home as my dad seems to think shes better off there although i disagree. I feel she should be home and we can look after her.

She keeps crying constantly..i was with her for 6 hours today and she kept bursting into tears sayin she feels devastated and sad. I dont knoe what to do. I dont know what to say, i dont know how to comfort her. I kiss her and hold her hand and listen to her but i cant make it better  i dont know what to do i feel useless

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    Hello Hannah, my husband had stage 4 cancer and wanted to die at home, he was only home for six days and died.  It was extremely traumatic, we had very little help, two half hour carers 7am and 8pm and the rest was up to me, it is not an easy thing to do, getting to the toilet, changing beds, washing and turning them to stop bed sores and I did most of this totally alone, if I needed help I had to call the district nurses and leave him in a mess until they arrived.  I have hardly been near the bedroom where he died as it's an awful memory, I wish he had been in a hospice and that our last few days together were more calm and that I wasn't exhausted after being up with him all night.  Maybe this is how your Dad feels and I'm totally with him as to live in the home where your partner has died is not easy.  Sending my kind regards to you and your family as I fully understood how torn you feel.  Carol x

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    My mum  wants to be in a hospice when the time comes that she can no longer be at home, and I'm totally happy with that. Although I would happily care for her at home, if an emergency happened she's have to wait for an ambulance etc, and would then go to hospital. She absolutely does not want to die in hospital. At least in a hospice specialist acre and pain relief are at hand 24/7 x

     

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    Hello Hannah, so sorry to hear what you are going through.  I think that your Dad is right that your Mother is better off in the hospice.  They are experts at making sure that people are comfortable and free of pain in their final days.  Sometimes it can be extremely traumatic to care for our loved ones as they are approaching death.  Maybe your Dad feels that he would not be able to cope.  You are doing everything you can for your mum just by being with her and holding her hand and listening to her when she needs to cry and talk.  I know exactly what you are going through Hannah, and my thoughts are with you and your family at this terrible time, xx

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