hi, my name is eva and this is a summary of how my life turned upside down in less than a month.

it started with a minor stomachache, which grew to be unbearable, and then a lump, multiple trips to the A&E, a CT scan (hugely traumatic, a story for next time), and then finally 'we suspect cancer'. i got moved to a specialist hospital, where they performed a biopsy and bone marrow aspiration. they told me the official diagnosis just under a week after my 14th birthday. the cancer had spread to my neck and collarbone from my abdomen/pelvic area. chemo started and left me immensely tired, weak and fragile. the first 2-3 cycles were brutal and i dreaded them. fevers, blood transfusions, wearing masks everywhere became the norm. it got better after the 4th cycle, thank God. 

more than all the pain, suffering and wondering how long i'll live, it was missing out on trips with my friends, school, day outs with families that shattered my heart. i had everything planned out. i was great at school, discovering myself and my hobbies and it all just came to an abrupt stop. that's what i hated most about cancer. i knew life would never be the same. 

year 10 is starting in a month. i've picked my options, and i wanted a clean, fresh start and pour my soul into passing my GCSE's with flying colours. radiation therapy also starts in a month. 5 days a week, for God knows how long. side by side, chemo too. how the hell am i going to achieve my goals with this in the way? i cannot let cancer take this away from me. 

i find myself crying over the stupidest things, which is so unlike me because i'm usually made of stone and don't show my emotions ever. and no matter how hard i try, i just can't stop. cancer picked the worst time possible. i have plans. they're all ruined now.

what do i do? i'm losing myself.