Hi all, Please read as i am struggling so much :/

Yesterday was possibly the saddest day of my life, when my beautiful mommy passed away at age 56 from metastatic breast cancer to the lungs. She had been undergoing chemo since august 2020 after a mastectomy in june 2020, but had a recurrence at her mastectomy site which grew into another lump. Microscopic cancer cells were still left over from surgery even though they were confident they had taken it all out. 

We had found out that in july she had 5, 5mm lung nodules in each lobe, but oncologist was confident that the chemo would 'clear them up'. She underwent chemo of EC, Doxetaxel, Herceptin, Carboplatin, Kadcyla, Capecitabine and more but only had a breif response to Kadcyla and Capecitabine and then a massive flare up where the cancer cells built up resistance and stopped working. she had the most horrendous side effects from all her chemo, neuropathy, lost all her hair, bruises, constipation, exhaustion, oral thrush, couldnt eat, sleeping problems the whole lot. I feel my mom was never taken seriously enough by her oncologist when her lump starded growing out of control, she would always lack information, and just say we have to wait to see shrinkage, and couldnt do any type of surgery even to relieve her pain.

She struggled for so so long and eventually had to go into the hospice in october this year for pain releif with a syringe driver. The lump on her mastectomy site had grown so out of control, even along with radiotherpay that she had and a massive infection in it that antibiotics struggled to control . Whilst at the hospice she contracted sepsis and almost died and it was decided that she would no longer be able to have chemo as it was doing more damage than good and that it was not working. She also had cardiotoxicity. She came home for a week and a half in november over her birthday period and im so glad she did. She had to go back in on november 25th where they discovered she had pleural effusion and was struggling to breathe. They were adamant they could not drain her lungs as her body was alright fighting so much infection from the lump on her mastectomy line, and it also couldnt be surgically removed. She deteriorated very rapidly and on the 6th of December 2021 my angel smiled, and took her last breath with her fiance and my partner by her side. 

She fought so courageously for so long and i am ever so proud of her, but i am struggling to cope with her loss. I am 26 and an only child, me and my mom were SO close, she was my everything and i was hers. Even throughout her deterioration the only thing that was on her mind was me. I told her its okay now, she will be safe, she was not scared and i reasured her that i will be well looked after and that i am ok. But im far from ok. When she passed it did not hit me straight away, i only felt a strange sense of releif that she was no longer in pain and suffering or getting distressed. But ive woken up today with a whole array of emotions. Sadness, guilt ( could i have done more for her), survivors guilt, shock, numbness,a sense of it all not being real even. What makes it harder for me is that i lost my sweet grandma from pancreatic cancer on November 3rd 2020 at the same hospice, and their rooms were next door to eachother, My grandmas was 12 and moms 14. I am so broken and i dont feel or see any point in carrying on. I have no children, but i do have a brilliant partner who is so supportive, but i just feel so so empty and lost.

To anyone who reads this thank you, i really appreciate it and i would like to hear stories of others just so i feel like i am not alone in this awful war of cancer on my loved ones.

Thank you all,

Tee, xx