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Recent loss of father

Fallingdown
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Hi,

My father passed away from cancer yesterday. He had been living with me and my family for a year before his death.

I am feeling a mixture of despair and hollowness. He had wanted the end to come for some time and then suffered a very sad death. His pain not controlled, he was moved to a hospice 2 days before. He always wanted to die at home but couldn't bear any more pain. He was unable to eat and drink for days and unable to move or speak. It breaks my heart remembering my brave dad like this. 

Then there is the guilt that I could have been more comforting, kinder, generous with my time and understanding. Life (work and 2 young children) got in the way but he should have been my number 1 priority and I am ashamed to say he wasn't always.

Everything in my house is a reminder of him and how lucky I was to have him here for a year but also the pain that he is gone. I don't want to feel self pity but that is all I can think of.

I just wanted reassurance if any/ all of this is normal. 

TIA

  • Hello Fallingdown and welcome to the forum,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's passing. He sounds like a wonderful person and losing a parent can be difficult to process. Your feelings are completely natural, but know that you did your best for him. 

    Cancer Chat is always here for you and there is other support out there, should you need it. Cruse Bereavement helpline is available is 0808 808 1677 when you want to speak to someone. There is also some advice here.

    I hope this helps in some ways and all the best to you,

    Moderator Anastasia

  • Offline

    Hey, 

    I'm sorry for your loss, I lost my mum on 15 November and have been reading through some of these boards this evening looking for... something... some comfort or answers to questions I can't articulate. 
     

    All I can say is you are not alone. My mum died in much the same way on 15 Nov. Immediately after, I have to admit I flitted between shock-horror and despair and relief, she was in so much suffering - part of me just wanted her to have peace and part of me wanted to cling on to her. 

    Since then, like you, I feel a mix of despair and numbness, guilt, shame and just that I miss her so so much. Despite living with her for the last two years and trying in many ways to be there for her, I feel ashamed that I didn't appreciate the small ways she showed up for me enough, I didn't value the simple everyday gestures that we take for granted, I didn't always prioritise her and often felt protective of my own time and boundaries. And I don't even have kids... 

    All I can hope is that my mum knew how much I loved her, appreciated and respected her. And that she somehow knows now all the thoughts and feelings I've experienced since she left. I'm sure your dad knew how much you adored him, and he would never think you didn't do all you could to care for him and show up for him the best you could at the time. 
     

    So although I can't attest to this whole terrible experience is 'normal' all I can say is, I'm where you are too. So thanks for helping me feel less alone. 
     

    Stay strong,

    S x 

  • Offline in reply to Shaun___

    Hi Shaun,

    Thank you so much for your reply. You have articulated exactly how I feel. It is the little things I miss the most, popping in to say goodnight, having a little chat when I got in from work, hearing his voice. He was always so glad to see me and grateful for my time. He always had something lovely to say about me or my children and never asked for much, just some of my time. I regret now evenings spent watching TV instead of with him or days when I was busy and he was on his own. Mostly I regret how much I prioritised work. 

     

    I am sure that by living with your mum and giving her all the support you did she would have known 100% how much you loved, cared for and respected her. Those 2 years would have been precious to you. A good friend of mine said it is not really that we want to change the past but that we wish we had more of those moments now. I think as time goes on it will get easier for us both and we will be able to appreciate the time we had together with our parents, safe in the knowledge that they felt loved and appreciated.

     

    Best wishes,

    Emily

  • Offline in reply to Fallingdown

    Hiya,

    I lost my Dad on 18th October 2021....he got diagnosed in November 2020 with a Grade 4 Glioblastoma Brain Tumour, which came as such a shock to me and my Mum (I am an only child, with two beautiful boys aged 10 and 5) ..... Following Dads diagnosis, he was taken into Walton Hospital and had an operation to remove the tumour, but the surgeons were only able to take part of it away due to the tumour being on the frontal lobe, which is the part of the brain that pretty much controls everything... memory, speech, balance, mobility and fine motor skills....after receiving combined chemo and radiotherapy everyday for a few weeks in Glan Clwyd Hospital, Dad got told that the tumour wasn't going to go away, it would just be a case of "Monitoring and Managing it".... Dad continued with his Chemo in tablet form for 10 months, along with a high dosage of steroids to reduce the swelling around the tumour which was causing severe headaches.....one of the side effects of the steroids are weight gain which has an impact on your lung capacity....with Covid being rife in Wrexham....we all took extra care and Mum and Dad didn't leave the house for months...along with the fact Dad couldn't do much as he would get out of breath in seconds due to the weight gain from the steroids....unexpectedly on Friday 15th October...Dad tested positive for Covid after my Mum was concerned about his breathing....he got rushed to hospital, put on Intensive Care and me and my Mum received a call on Monday 18th October saying we needed to do a FaceTime with Dad as things weren't looking good.....so we had a short FaceTime with him whilst he was tryin to rip his oxygen mask off...I said to him, "Dad, it's me, your 'Presh'...please don't leave me..." and Dad opened his eyes for a few seconds before the call went off....shortly after we received a call to say Dad had passed away.

    Even though it's been almost 7 weeks, me and my Dad had a bond, a bond completely different to me and my Mum, with being an only child, the three of us were so close....but I was a proper "Dads girl", I've been a handful whilst growing up, but Dad never judged me, he supported me no matter what. 

    I miss him so so much. I honestly don't know how I can go on without him, I sit with him in the gardens in the Crematorium where his ashes are and I just break down. 
    How is this ever going to get any easier? 
     

    So sorry to go on, I just need to talk to someone as my Mum isn't being supportive at all.

     

    xxxx
     

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