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I just want to dream of my mum before cancer

Januarybutterfly
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I have previously posted here that I lost my mum to cancer in October 2021 just 3 and a half weeks after her diagnosis. 
 

As the title suggested though I'm struggling with the dreams I'm having of my mum. I have only had one 'normal' dream of my mum which was exactly 1 week after she died - she looked so healthy in the dream and we were just casually sitting on the couch doing what we would normally do when we see eachother. 
 

Since then though anytime I dream of my mum I can't escape the feeling that she is going to die. Even if it's not spoken of in the dream I just know that my mum is extremely sick and time is limited. 
 

I just want to be able to dream of my mum as she was before the cancer. It's every other night I have these dreams, some of them can be really upsetting - it's like I'm being tortured by my own mind, I just want to be able to forget for one night and see my mum without everything that has happened these last couple of months. I hope it's just because everything is still so raw and I'm probably still in shock over being told so quickly that she had cancer to it being terminal to it being a matter of days.
 

Has anybody else had the same experience? 

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    Hi! I´m so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. I lost my dad to cancer a month ago. He was my best friend, my mentor and someone I always relied on. I was there in the hospital when he died. And almost every night I dream of him. Not him being healthy, fun and carefree like I used to see him, but him being sick. I dream of his funeral, and suddenly we´re on the sofa talking about his illness. I just want to be able to see him the way he used to be. I miss him so much, and not being able to dream good dreams destroys me. 

  • Offline in reply to NeppleQvist95

    Hi, my deepest condolences to you on the loss of your dad! It sounds like you had a great relationship with him and that he was a great man! 
    I feel the exact way, it's truly awful isn't it. I was also there everyday in the hospital with my mum right up until the moment she passed. My mum was more than cancer and I'm just so frustrated that right now my mind won't let me escape that. 
     

    I hope your dreams bring you peace soon enough! 

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    Hi I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost me Mum in March and am a vivid dreamer to the extent that I can't always tell if something was a dream or actually happened. I took me until recently to start having normal dreams of her again.

    I read that at first it becomes difficult to remember the many good moments you had together and that at first your mind focuses on the more recent moments. This at least is what happened to me. At first, I felt like I had forgotten the many great moments we had together and thought I had lost them forever. But with time more and more of the great memories popped into me head. There are still many times where I think about all the sad things we had to go through. It's been difficult these passed few weeks, as she went back into hospital for the second time this time last year.

    I know it'll be really hard at the moment. I didn't sleep properly for months, as I just couldn't cope with the dreams. Eventually I got medical help, which helped me regain a normal sleep pattern and with time the dreams appeared less.

    Please give yourself time. I don't know when it will get better for you, but eventually I realised that for 9 heartbreaking months together we had over 30 years of great memories.

    Take care x

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