Hello, 

Firstly let me say I'm sorry that your Mum has passed away.  I'm 53 so much older than you, but was in my late 20's when my Dad passed away and my Mum passed away 4 years ago and now a week ago the first of my 4 sisters has passed too, all with cancer of some sort.  It is such an unfair way for a loved one to pass and so difficult to watch from the sidelines as you feel so helpless.

I know people say it will get easier and you don't think it will, but I would say it just gets different, which may not make much sense, but you learn to live without their physical being in your life and you can find ways to keep them in your life.

I'm not a massively religious person, but have always loved nature, so my way of coping has always been to think that, whilst my family aren't with me in the here and now their presence is still there when I need a bit of strength, advice or to just even say I love you and miss you, they are there in the breeze on my face, the ripple on the water or the stars twinkling in the sky.  My husband calls this my fluffy DTB world and says that we should all have a bit more fluffy in our world, but he is more of a scientist than I am and doesn't really believe in much, which I find weird.

I have recently found it so difficult to believe now though sometimes, especially with everything we hear on the TV etc.. about the fact that stars are just in the universe and are bits of rock and ice and a ripple on the water is just the breeze and it's nothing more, but I realise now that, scientists can prove what they like about the physical aspects of the world we live in, but they don't know everything.  
 

This has now led me back to continue to live in my fluffy DTB world, because it helps me to keep my Dad, Mum and now my sister in my here and now and helps me to cope when I miss them and what they would have said or done.  They may not be there physically to advise, support or just love you, but you still have their presence in you.  In your heart and mind through your knowledge and love of them.  Even when your Mum was still physically with you how many times have you known what she'd say before you'd even told her.  That little voice in the back of your head, saying I shouldn't be buying this extra expensive skirt or having this extra drink or she's going to be super proud of me when I tell her.

I hope this helps you to cope a little better and if you feel a breeze on your cheeks then who can say it isn't your Mum giving you a little strength to make it through another physical day and if it helps you stay connected some how to your Mums knowledge, support and love then scientists can know what they like, but they didn't know your Mum and they didn't know my Dad, Mum and now my sister.

D x

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

I lost my mum to pancreatic cancer 15/11/2020 like your mum it was all very quick 7 weeks from diagnosis to her dying,she was a fit and healthy 71 year old it was devastating, it was such a huge shock.

Although I'm a bit older than you 47, losing my mum broke my heart she was a wonderful mum and a lovely person.

The first few weeks after her death it didn't feel real,my brothers and I would talk all the time about her,remembering the times growing up how proud she was of her boys and how much she adored her grandchildren. 

I visit her grave most weeks, talk to her keep her informed.

The raw grief will pass and although there isn't a day when I don't think of her,it is more acceptance really thats helped me through.i really hope you can find a way through it and you will eventually I found just remembering how loving and caring she was helped me enormously.

Unfortunately I found my Dad passed away on the 10th November 2021,he suffered a heart attack at home alone,I'm obviously upset,but in some ways relieved for him as he has really struggled these last 12 months without mum he's now back with her.

I can't believe both my parents have gone so quickly but i know their back together now and that gives us comfort.