I really feel for you, it is so sad to read the experience you and your mam had but you sound like such a caring kind person and your mam would have known and felt that love from you. My mam died suddenly and unexpectedly. I raced to the hospital but was too late and feel awful that she had no family there with her. It's a hard thing to deal with and I miss her unbearably but you know that your mam would not want you to suffer and feel bad, I know mine wouldn't. Please be kind to yourself as you couldn't have known what was going to happen and were with her at the end. 

You were there for your mum until the very end. Don't be hard on yourself, your mum wouldn't want you to think like that.

I was in a different country and had to jump on a flight to the hospital.  I was 22. At that stage my mum was already brain dead and told it wasn't long before she would pass. I was there for her last breath but also feel the same regret because I never got to hear her voice or see her with her eyes open one last time.

stay strong xx

I wonder if you have ever thought that no matter how shocked and scared your mum was, that she did actually want/need to be alone to at least try and gather her thoughts? Your Dad actually said as much so there could be some other reason you are stuck in the guilt part of the grieving phase? You did everything you could but ultimately it was your mother's call to make. I don't mean this to sound harsh but perhaps you felt you needed to be there more than she actually needed you to be there? It is the same with my best friend who is terminal. I frantically want to help but she wants to deal with it in her own way. She actually died in your arms and you can't get more loving than that so I really feel you are needlessly torturing yourself. Perhaps counselling would get to the root of why? X

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I was having a bad day yesterday and your words have helped a lot.  Jo I've had so much grief counselling over my guilt.  I think it stems from us not knowing how ill she was.  But then not even the drs knew until two days before she passed that it was cancer she had been going fo the drs for months who told her, her back pain was a broken rib.  I also moved  away about a year before she died. When she was happy and healthy and we could never have foreseen this   But I feel very guilty about leaving her and dad.   Especially as it turns out it was the last year of her life.  But I moved to the beach to give my children a better life. It's all very deep rooted guilt.  
 

if I'm being completely honest.  I feel guilty because I felt relief about going home and not staying over night.  The whole thing was harrowing and I hadn't slept for two days. I kept thinking. I just want to go to bed.  I just want to run away and pretend this isn't happening. I wanted to go home put the covers over my head and sleep.  If she had said yes though she wanted me to stay I would have done it in a heartbeat.  But watching her like that I felt so helpless and also terrified I wanted to run. And I feel like I did run.  I kept thinking if I can sleep for a few hours I can handle this better. Because I wasn't handling it very well I kept running to the toilets and sobbing.  I didn't want to do that in front of her as it would have made her more distressed. Every time she cried out in distress I would run to the nurses to get her some more anxiety meds.  But of course there is only a certain amount they could give her.  I've looked out for my mum my whole life.  Always worried about her. Looked after her. As she was mentally quite fragile with anxiety and depression. But I couldn't help her this time. 

My situation isn't exactly the same so sorry if this isn't the right thread but it's the closest I can find.

My Dad passed away from Myeloma 2 days ago.  He was at home.

In the months leading up to this death, i made sure I spent as much time with him as I could.

We had a feeling it would be this week as since Friday he was in some sort of unconscious state, firstly on injections and then a syringe driver. 

On Monday, a nurse told us that it could very likely be that day so my mum, brother and I barely left the room all morning.

However, after all my efforts to be there at the end, I left the room at the worst possible moment and wasn't there.

His breathing had been quite gaspy and faster all morning. I popped up to the toliet and my brother shouted up the stairs as he thought he'd stopped breathing but when I came back down he'd started again. This irregular breathing with pauses happened with my Grandad and went on a while. A nurse had also mentioned it. So I just didn't think it would be that fast. Looking back that was stupid and I should never have taken that risk. I ran back up to finish washing my hands and by the time I came back down I was too late. It was a stupid, snap decision that is now my biggest regret and I somehow have to live with it for the rest of my life.

My brother told me he took one big gasp, followed by 2 very quiet, weak breaths and that was it. 

I was utterly heartbroken and unconsoleable that I wasn't there. I am so upset all the time and keep crying. I just keep going over it in my head and wishing I could change it but I can't. 

I tried to talk to my mum about it but she got abit annoyed with me and doesn't understand why I keep focussing on it. She said I need to move on or I'll never get over it but i'm not doing it on purpose, I can't help it. I wanted to be there and I wasn't. I honestly don't think I will get over it. 

Although my brother told me what happened, I have forgotten things as I was so upset so do want to ask afew questions. I think this would help me process it. However, I don't dare as I don't want to annoy my mum again or upset her or my brother.

So I just sit there on my own thinking about it which isn't helping me at all.

My mum and brother seem to be coping much better than me and I'm sure that's because they don't have any regrets.

Oh bless you. If you have always looked out for your mum since a small child then there is probably quite a lot to unpack. I mean no disrespect to your mum because i suffer mental health issues myself but a child who feels responsible for a parent doesn't have a normal childhood - it's almost as if you are the parent. Perhaps as a child you feared (maybe subconsciously) that something bad would happen if you didn't worry about your mum and now it has so it could be that you are reacting almost from your emotional child brain if if that makes sense - it's as though you are trying to make yourself responsible when you aren't at all. Also - the fact that you no longer have to worry about her is something your brain isn't used to so it's perhaps latching onto this irrational guilt as a way of feeling what has been your normal for so long? It does not make you a bad person whatsoever for wanting to go home or to run away - completely normal human emotions. And you DID handle it - you said you would stay - you took yourself off to cry - you didn't want her to be in pain - can you not see that you handled it amazingly well? I think you are so so hard on yourself - almost like you feel you need to continue to punish yourself? Your mum was not alone - she had your Dad. You had your own children to think of too. And as for moving away - kids do this all the time and no-one could have known this would happen. You were with your mum at the very end - she gave birth to you and you held her as she passed but i really think you need to give yourself permission to begin to enjoy life with your own family. And you DID help her - you did everything you could when it became apparent how serious it was x

Jo. That's the kindest response. I kind express enough thanks.   A huge black cloud has lifted somewhat today and those words really made an impact. To give me a different perspective and clarity on the situation.  Are you a counsellor. If not you should be!!   Such kindness thank you.  What a lovely person you are.