You are definitely not a monster. It could just be that you are still on auto-pilot and it will hit you later or it could be that you knew for a while what was happening and had already done a lot of your grieving. I think it was a bit like that when my dad died. I didn't cry or feel anywhere near as sad as one is supposed to and it wasn't that I didn't love him. I was really upset a few years earlier when he had a serious diagnosis and I feared we might lose him, but I think by the time he died, he was in his 80s and had been unwell for a while so I knew it was coming (didn't expect it so soon, but I knew he was in his last years) and was somewhat prepared for it.

I don't think there is a "right" way to feel about these things. It sounds like you were there for your mum when she needed you which makes you a loving daughter and a good person.

Thank you [@MargaretMary]‍ and I'm sorry to hear of your dad's passing! 
Yes there's definitely been a lot of grieving in the 6 months whilst she was here, I cried a lot, sleepless nights etc which is why I assumed I'd feel worse when the time actually came to say goodbye.....it feels like she's in hospital or on holiday still, we picked up her ashes yesterday and she's sat behind me and still I can't compute that it's her. 
 

I really appreciate your helpful reply, thank you! 

[@Lorraine1111]‍ Thank you so much for your reply - although in my logical brain I know how much I love her and that I'm not a bad person, just hearing others experiences is so very helpful! The more I speak to people the more I'm hearing that sometimes grief can take months or years to show itself. 
 

I'm sorry to hear about your mum - it's a lot to go through especially caring for her too! It's the hardest privilege! 
 

Its 2 weeks today since she passed and I truly hope she's looking down and feeling peace with everything we've achieved  

Thanks again for replying, it's so appreciated! 
Nikki x