Cancer Research UK main site

Why don’t I feel anything after Mums death?

NSM1984
Offline

Hi everyone,

we lost our brave, amazing mum almost 2 weeks ago to stage 4 lung cancer. We knew her treatment was palliative when she was diagnosed back in March and despite a few glitches along the way she had been doing so well, eating better, getting out for meals and slow walks round the shops, we were so pleased! 
 

The pain at the tumour site in her back got worse though and what felt like out of the blue we were told she had days left to live we opted to care for her at home and camped by her side for 4 nights/5 days and had the painful honour of watching her take her last breaths whilst holding her hand. Her passing was not very peaceful. 
 

At the time I went into shock and sobbed, I'm the youngest daughter at 36 but deemed the "sensible" one so mum had asked me to take care of her affairs so I've been in auto pilot for the last 2 weeks organising her funeral, sorting out her house, cancelling bills etc. 
 

I've read so much and logically I know grief hits differently but I feel so alien that I'm able to function, eat, smile.....my mum was my whole world and we made so many wonderful memories over the last 6 months of her life. I suppose I'm looking for affirmation that what I'm feeling is "normal" and I'm not a monster for the way I feel! 
 

Thanks to anyone who replies!!

Nikki 

  • Offline

    You are definitely not a monster. It could just be that you are still on auto-pilot and it will hit you later or it could be that you knew for a while what was happening and had already done a lot of your grieving. I think it was a bit like that when my dad died. I didn't cry or feel anywhere near as sad as one is supposed to and it wasn't that I didn't love him. I was really upset a few years earlier when he had a serious diagnosis and I feared we might lose him, but I think by the time he died, he was in his 80s and had been unwell for a while so I knew it was coming (didn't expect it so soon, but I knew he was in his last years) and was somewhat prepared for it.

    I don't think there is a "right" way to feel about these things. It sounds like you were there for your mum when she needed you which makes you a loving daughter and a good person.

  • Offline in reply to MargaretMary

    Thank you [@MargaretMary]‍ and I'm sorry to hear of your dad's passing! 
    Yes there's definitely been a lot of grieving in the 6 months whilst she was here, I cried a lot, sleepless nights etc which is why I assumed I'd feel worse when the time actually came to say goodbye.....it feels like she's in hospital or on holiday still, we picked up her ashes yesterday and she's sat behind me and still I can't compute that it's her. 
     

    I really appreciate your helpful reply, thank you! 

  • Offline

    I can assure you that you are not a monster.  I took care of my Mother when she was dying of cancer, and like you I was in my 30s and considered the 'strong' one in the family. When she died everyone was amazed at how well I was coping and just like you, I kept wondering if there was something wrong with me.  That was back in 1997, and it was quite a few years before I actually broke down and cried over the loss of my Mother.  I think that what happens to us sometimes is that we know we have to be strong for our loved ones and we go on auto-pilot, and very often this auto-pilot can last a lot longer than we think is necessary.

    Please don't feel ashamed that you SEEM to be taking your the loss of your Mother so well, because the truth is it can take a very long time for grief to appear..........a friend of mine took 20 years to cry over the loss of his baby sister.  Grief is a strange thing, and like I said, please don't feel that you are a monster or abnormal........you are not.  You did a brilliant job taking care of your Mother and I guarantee that she would be proud of you.  

  • Offline in reply to Lorraine1111

    [@Lorraine1111]‍ Thank you so much for your reply - although in my logical brain I know how much I love her and that I'm not a bad person, just hearing others experiences is so very helpful! The more I speak to people the more I'm hearing that sometimes grief can take months or years to show itself. 
     

    I'm sorry to hear about your mum - it's a lot to go through especially caring for her too! It's the hardest privilege! 
     

    Its 2 weeks today since she passed and I truly hope she's looking down and feeling peace with everything we've achieved  

    Thanks again for replying, it's so appreciated! 
    Nikki x
     

     

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.