Going back to uni after mums death

My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer in may 2020, just before I started first year of university, she was adamant that she still wanted me to go to university. She started treatment shortly after that she had a chest drain to clear out the fluid build up in her lungs went for cancer treatment once a month at the hospital and had tablets she took everyday. She was looking better. So I went to a university which was about 2 hours away. She dropped me off and after we talked everyday via text and I called every once in a while checking up on things back home.

 

i went back for Christmas and it was like every other Christmas, she appeared to be doing very well, keeping up with her medication and going to appointments. 
I stayed at home in January until March because of the pandemic, that is when she started to get worse couldn't breathe properly, I went back to university for my practical course, when I came back home in April she had gotten at lot worse, couldn't move without pain, really hard to breathe, couldn't lay down, didn't want to eat, I suppose looking back on it, that's when I knew she was dying. 
 

it was my birthday during the holidays we didn't do much for it because of the pandemic. She went to a lot more doctors appointments during that time and they told her she would need more tests. In the mean time I went back to university for my final term of first year, she rung me and told me she was being admitted to hospital for another chest drain and to start chemotherapy - that was the last time I probably talked to her. 
 

My dad sent me a message saying that she was doing well in hospital and would be discharged soon, but in early may I got a call saying that I need to come back home because mum was not in a good way and that my auntie was coming to pick me up, I went back to their house and that's when I was told that mum was dying and that I needed to go and see her, the doctor at the hospital confirmed this and I sat with her until she died that day, that was the worst day of my life. 
 

i didn't go back to university after that as it was online and so were my exams thats i decided to postpone until the august. 
 

her funeral was nice - she was an amazing woman 

 

after she died, I felt alone she was the only person who understood me and I could talk to about anything. My friends at home didn't understand what I was going through but still tried to help me. 
 

i did my exams in August and I had passed first year 

 

now I'm back at university I don't want to be here, everything seems so pointless now, it's more in person now and I don't think I can do that, after she died I didn't leave my bed for a week I didn't eat, so now I don't know what to do.

  • Hello Ward44202, 

    I am so sorry about your loss - this is such a heartbreaking thing to happen as you were starting your first year at university. Add to all this the coronavirus pandemic - what a traumatic year it must have been for you. Well done on passing your first year at university despite everything you had to go through. There are so many changes for you to have to deal with as you adjust to the fact that university classes are no longer happening online so much but are now more face to face. This is not such a bad thing actually - you will get the chance to meet people and make friends even though you may not feel ready for this at the moment.  But there is a whole side of university life you were not able to explore during the pandemic which I hope you will get to enjoy. Obviously at the moment, this is the last thing you feel like doing as you are clearly still grieving for your mum. As you will see in our page on coping with grief, grief is a very personal thing and there is no right or wrong way to grieve; you may go through different cycles, overwhelming complex emotions and it's normal as a result that the fast pace of university life can seem all too much for you. 

    I think it would be worth talking to your GP about how you are feeling and explaining that you are finding it really hard to be back at university. Your doctor will I am sure be able to help. There are things like grief counselling that might be beneficial to you. Don't hesitate to reach out as help is available and it would be a shame for you to miss out on everything university life has to offer.

    I hope that you will hear from other members of the forum who have also lost a loved one and have felt the same way as you before. It helps to talk to others who understand what you have been through.

    Keep strong - we are all here for you anytime you need to talk. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • I'm so sad to hear of your mums passing, but you have done so well with uni exams and should be proud as your mum would have been.

    Have you spoken to the uni about your thoughts as my two daughters are 18 and 21 and the youngest has just moved into the halls and started her law degree the older one is in 3rd year and lives with her boyfriend.Their dad has only weeks to live cancer at it's worst we have only know a few weeks so even the youngest leaving home we encouraged her to go too, and she's so shy and has tried to make friends telling no one about her home situation yet.She felt if she didn't go this year she never would go.

    They are trying to get into uni life and it's difficult and I can understand your thoughts totally.

    Friends don't really understand although they try because they haven't been through it and maybe counselling is something you could try although its not for everyone.

    Speaking to people here might help and if I can do anything please let me know,even just an ear to Listen?

    I'm not sure if this has helped but I felt so touched by your story and as a mum, my girls are in the same situation or will be in the very near future.

    Take care x

  • Hi [@Ward44202]‍ 

     

    I'm very sorry to hear about your mum and everything you've been through. My mum died from pancreatic cancer in March, so I know how you are feeling. Sometimes, you can be surrounded by people, but feel completely alone. I do actually work for a university here in the U.K, and they have a great counselling programme called 'validium'. When mum died I contacted them and went on a 6-week bereavement counselling program which helped a lot. It may be a good idea for you to find out about what services your uni offer.

    I do wish you all the best because I know how hard it is to lose a mother to cancer.

     

    xx

     

  • I am very sorry for your loss. I am in a similar place to you. My Dad got diagnosed with terminal cancer October 2020 during my first year of nursing school here in the UK. My family is all in America so I was struggling to cope so far away. He died 6 weeks later but luckily I was able to make it home 9 days before he passed to say goodbye. I kept going with the course but it was really difficult. I too am feeling very sad starting this second year (it's also around the same time he started getting all of his tests). :( 

    I feel really lost but I think without this course I'd feel even more lost. Some days I can't cope with all the reading assignments and revision. I did let my teachers know what I am going through and they are really kind and empathetic to my circumstances. Congrats on passing the first year though, I'm sure your Mom would be proud. You're not alone in the 'dead parent club'. The more I talk about my Dad's death I am finding new friends who have also lost a parent, so I reckon the same will happen with you. It's nice to know and chat with people who have experienced loss like us. I'm sure you will make great new friends at Uni. I go on forums like this when I feel sad. I live alone so when I'm by myself I feel the grief the most. I found getting out of the walks is good for my head. I cry a lot and listen to sad music but am struggling to eat as well. I guess there is no guide for grief really. I did contact my Uni and had my first meeting with a grief counselor (usually the first 6 sessions are free) and I really liked her, so I am going to try grief counseling. Maybe you could too.

    I hope you have a good second year and all the best. Lots of love <3