Lost my lovely beautiful ray of sunshine mum

She had been fighting since March for a diagnosis with the GP surgery ignoring her for week, saying she had anaemia due to heavy periods and this is why she was extremely fatigued. She had always had heavier than normal periods but never to this extent and non stop. 

She was eventually referred to gynaecology, receiving scans and diagnostic tests (e.g. ultrasound in May). They discovered a 10cm fibroid and assured her not to be concerned that this wasn't cancerous. 

Fast forward 2 hospital admissions in 10/10 pain with no further diagnosis, but two blood transfusions when her haemoglobin dropped from 75 to 60 in 2 days whilst in the hospital.....no morphine given just paracetamol and whilst doubled up in excruciating pain a doctor told her it wasn't an emergency. She was expecting a hysterectomy to help relieve the pain caused by what we assumed was the degenerating 10 cm fibroid. 

Lump appears under chin (tries for 2 days to get a doctor's appointment and fails). She went to a&e on a Saturday and was told it was probably a malignant tumour in her lymph node.

Then hysteroscopy in which the gynecologist once again said nothing to be concerned about, even as she pointed out the lump in her lymph node, but then he also ordered an ultrasound where someone asked for a second opinion. 

She was given an appointment for a CT scan 2 weeks after this, but 3 days after she coughed up blood and vomitted blood (31 st July). She had the CT scan that day and this was the day an atom bomb went off, we discovered she had 'masses' in her ovaries, lungs, peritoneum, head of pancreas and ureters. 

The days that followed my dad, myself and my sister were allowed open visiting to the hospital. The doctors and specialist nurses put us at ease. At this point she was just a little weaker than her usual self but able to walk and etc. They adjusted her pain relief (morphine) and we were happy to wait the 10 days they quoted for a biopsy. 

My mum ended up staying just under 2 weeks in that hospital, then had 10 days at home, it took 3 weeks for her biopsy results to come back (disgusting). 

We were then told it wasn't ovarian as they expected, but a uterine sarcoma...so terrible news. But we had hope when they were immediately transferring my mum to a specialist cancer hospital, to receive chemo. The sarcoma oncologist and gynae oncologist were arguing on which chemo to give my mum. Then we were told cancer of unknown primary they said stage IV and grade 4 (so highly abnormal cells). 

She had carboplatin 27th August, although by this stage her kidney function had started to decline, showing slight dehydration.

1st September we were told by the consultant gynaecology oncologist that things were improving and to stay positive. Two days later we saw the same consultant and then a palliative care consultant. 

6th September we were allowed to bring our dogs in as she wasn't well enough to be moved to the hospice. But we did the best we could, playing music she loved to bring memories back and getting clips on YouTube to make her laugh and sharing funny memories. She was singing and dancing along to the music (waving her arms around).

My mum passed away peacefully at 53 8th September, she was fighting until the very end and we were in the room with her, myself my dad and sister. She was too young to go and there was so much more me and my sister had to achieve for her to see.

I'm a 28 year old graduate who had planned to study Therapeutic Radiography & Oncology this September, applying before any of this nightmare began. My sister is 24 and a self employed makeup artist, we both live at home and are single. 

I am in a haze and as I was crying a lot in the evenings in those 5 weeks and 4 day, with anticipatory grief even though I had hope she'd get a year and we could get her out and about. I was barely sleeping and spending 12+hrs at the hospital and I lived in the hospital from the (5th) Sunday morning until (7th) Tuesday evening. My mum sat with me 2 days and slept in a chair when I had a head injury at school when I was 8, so I knew it was my duty to sit with her to look out for her as long as I could. 

When I read through many of these posts on here people of my age seem to have a partner or husband to fall back on for support. I have nothing of that sort, my dad isn't coping well with his grief and is utterly heartbroken and just wants to be with my mum as soon as possible, whilst pushing me and my sister away and isolating himself. We are all very different people living under one roof and there's a lot of tension, my mum was the postive force that kept the family glued together and without her we are all truly lost.

I am feeling guilty for not constantly crying, as I assumed I would be. I don't know if I've fully accepted it and when I say this is the greatest loss I will experience, I truly mean it.

  • Welcome to Cancer Chat Lostinthevoid although I'm so sorry to read what your mum went through. It sounds like it was very tough and you have my sincerest and heartfelt condolences for your loss.

    We do have members on the forum who, like yourself, are in a difficult position with your grief so you are not alone and I'm sure our community will reach out and offer their support to you soon.

    I know it will be difficult, but please do not feel guilty for not constantly crying. Many of our members have found not crying to be quite a common reaction to such a huge loss in their lives. Some say it can represent shock so this may be what you're experiencing right now. We have some information and advice on coping with grief on our website but if you feel it may help to speak with someone outside of your immediate family about how you're feeling and what you're going through then you may find bereavement counselling will help. Some of our members have found this really beneficial so do be sure to have a look at the link I've included if you want to find out more.

    I know nothing I can say or do can take away the pain and hurt you're experiencing right now but I want you to know we are here for you and will do all we can to help you through this difficult time.

    Kind regards,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Hi Lostinthevoid,

     

    im so sorry for the loss of you mum. Im 34 and lost my dad 8 weeks ago, i live at home and single also. You will be in a haze for a while i still am now. You cry some days and then not others. I to sat by my dads bedside you feel they brought you into this world you own it to them to be there and do all you can because they are there for you. Its horrible to lose a parent at any age i still cant accept my dads passing. I just have my mum as some family members have been hopeless at supporting us. I feel men push people away in situations like this its hard for them to open up they just push people away as you say. Its not nice for you both to see it - you feel you should all try and support each other but we are all different in how we react. Me and my mum have been arguing alot since his passing i think its just all the emotions in the household and its bound to come ahead at somepoint. My dad did alot of stuff for us and its hard to sort things out as he would be the one to take charge you find a way to deal with new things as we have you somehow get through and addapt slowly. Just take each day - dont worry if the crying isnt there. You wont accept it i still havent i feel i never will nor do i want to. Id look at couselling though speaking to someone outside the situation might help and someone to offload to. If you ever need to talk please message

     

  • I want to say thank you for replying! And I'm so sorry you lost your dad.

    I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner but the funeral was looming and as I'm sure you remember things get hectic very fast. 

    I'm sorry you've been having arguments with your mum, things are much the same in this house! 

    I agree with what you say about never wanting to accept that it's happened. I fear if I accept it the memories of my mum will fade and I don't want that to happen.

    I have thankfully got counselling through the palliative care team. I'm hoping you also have some counselling because it definitely helps, of course for some if you're not ready it can make things worse! 

    My dad keeps saying he wants to join my mum and he just want it all to end, he's suffering bad and is too stubborn to try other techniques to help it's so frustrating! 

    I know it's the worst circumstances but I'm relieved to have come across someone with similar circumstances as me. I know losing your dad will be slightly different grief to losing your mum, but I think we can understand eachother on a level that others will never understand. 

    The numbness is still here for me, but one of the songs came on from the funeral and I was fine then all of a sudden got flooded with thoughts. I'm sure you've had these moments too when something just triggers the tears.

    My counsellor told me to write a journal to my mum and this also triggered some tears. I'm trying my best to stay occupied and have started learning a language (only casually) and I've tried to get out for a daily walk. I just know my mum would want me to continue and make the most of life and I feel like I'm honouring her when I do anything that makes me feel less like the grieving person.

    I never know if I'm navigating the grief right I fear the worst is yet to come, as if it's waiting for me. 

    I hope you see this and respond in your own time