Like everyone else l can say l am sorry for your loss,but my recollection is of them sounding just so hollow and of little meaning in the immediate aftermath of losing my special  everything, Christine.

My life became aimless at that moment of loss,motivation replaced with a crushing darkness of total despair.Somehow l stumbled on,you will too,you have others that depend upon you.

At the end l think the thing that saved me was letting my feelings out into the open and realising they related to the love l had shared with another,how lucky was l to have known that,losing that was painful but l could not comtenplate never having had it to lose.

Go safely on your own personal journey,travel through the darkness,stay aware of the light,have brief moments away from reality.you will always return to it,don't forget how to recognise a positive amidst all your negatives,most importantly keep moving on whatever, It does make sense eventually but you have to get to that point.,l hope that amongst all your anguish you allow for the moments of relected gentleness to inhabit your conciousness,these are what led me through to a future that was hard to perceive at the worst of times

                                                  David

Thank you for your reply David, and I am sorry for your loss. You are not wrong with regards the hollowness, I know people can find very little else to say in such circumstances but it feels beyond awkward saying 'thanks' to well wishers who come to my door or ring me. An ironic scenario as I have just perpetuated the same here myself! This is not my first cancer loss, my father who I worked with for 20 years died slowly and painfully a few years ago from pancreatic cancer and my mother in law who I was very close to also passed away not long after that from bowel and liver cancer so I am no stranger to the cruelness of the big C! What always got me, and my wife, through these situations though was the ability to lean on one other as only we knew each other that well that we could help the other almost without asking what they needed.
 

The loss of Katrina has completely stripped that away and now just leaves every decision to me (and to be fair I have been doing that for many weeks already and since her admittance to hospice where she basically ended up in a semi-coma state) and at each small turn in the road I just think what would she do, would she have agreed with that, am I doing the best for my children dragging them back and forth and so on and so forth! 

I find the silence the most deafening aspect also I suppose, I hate it. I have to have noise in the background as that stops the silence and stops me thinking about her in that moment. I don't want that, I want to think about her, but then that is upsetting and makes me unable to function. 
 

As someone who always thought over the time 'I will get through this by myself' I know that now to be  naive. Verbalising to someone willing to listen and respond, whilst not changing anything, does make me feel less alone in myself for a small period of time, so thank you again. 
 

Best wishes.

James

My wife also passed away on 21st September after what seemed a very short battle with cancer and I am also experiencing many of the things you mention. Being only 57 and also self employed can confirm i am also finding it impossible to concentrate on the work side and hours just seem to drift by with nothing being achieved. As for cats after a pretty restless night being clawed by her to wake me at 6.30am this morning really was not appreciated. Have also decided that once the funeral is over with will look to move as what was once a home now feels far from it.

Hopefully for both us things improve soon.

Hi Guys 

my goodness it's like reading my own story but just the opposite sex

I lost my dear Kevin recently, got 3 kids, 2 being twins & have our own business, married for 32 years & here I am sitting in our home full of memories all that I hate so god dam much. Do I sell up & move or just stay here where he is?

People keep saying to me 'be kind to yourself' what the heck does that mean what!! 
not doing anything, sitting at home staring at the walls, tearing up because every time you turn the radio/telly on something comes on that stirs a memory up of them
what's kind to yourself. 
Months & months of driving to London for hospital appointments caring for him is now taking its toll. Grief is exhausting fellas, we are surviving & I know you don't feel strong anymore but it's all just hidden & compressed in you. 
Take step by step, day by day, it's a long journey & you we will all get thru it. 
It's crap, it's unfair and it's cruel 

Love to each one of you

Happy to always chat you can PM me if you want

C x  

Apologies but I had a brief 'smile' to myself....I am strangely glad to hear someone else relate to how they feel about a house they made their own but now they hate living in. I have thought about moving all the furniture around and perhaps that will change my point of view but fundamentally what is inside said wardrobes, cupboards etc isn't any different whatever way it is arranged and I cannot face going through my wife's smalls so to speak so I guess it will just stay as it is until whenever. 
 

Equally, why is it every time I turn on the radio in the car that every song is about love, loss etc. A song that I would have happily sang along to before now seems like some personal slight...as in how dare you play this song don't you understand my personal circumstances and loss.

I can't honestly say what 'be kind to yourself' is supposed to signify I suppose it means don't do anything stupid but that's all relative to your scenario, again a throw away comment. If I could be kind to myself right now I would invent a time machine, own a private island and live the best form of Groundhog Day forever but life is sh1t.

We exist day by day but my god each day seems like a lifetime.

Jame

Hello Babyem,hello James

                    when others urge you to be kind to yourself, its really the nice way of avoiding telling you not to be too self destructive with your emotions, those offering support will always be careful never to use a negative.But yes,its only now from a distance that l can see this for what it is.

As time passed l realised that l had to let the spirit of my partner go,and that she went with my blessing to whatever travels were out there for her.,For my part l had the joy of our life together and the knowing of her within me,as part of me,to move forward .Once l had come to this,material things that we had shared no longer held any angst for me,l carried the knowledge not the posessions.

The memories will change for you with time,not in their shape,but in your perception, moving  to a calming,reassuring presence that without your thinking makes your future easier,difficult now to accept that could ever be.In your grief,instinct tells you to run away from your home the memories that stir your despair,but time showed me that had l done so the subsequent comfort that took its natural course to arrive,would have been lost to me,and with it perhaps the vital piece that helped to make me complete again

l hope this makes sense.somehow a plain word can never express the nuanced emotions that lie behind them.l feel entitled to tell you to be gentle with yourself as someone who realises what you will have to go through in order to be able to say the same,

                                                                                           David 

What I would give for 6.30. My boys sit either side of my head at 5 every morning in some kind of co-ordinated effort to paw my face and meow me awake. Mostly it works but it is still seriously annoying when I really don't want to get out of bed. It is really sad, you spend years and years building a home but that can be undone in an instant. I am 44 what is at the end of working for the next 20 years +, nothing! All the plans for the future just killed in an instant. 

Morning

Years and years ago I always remember saying to Kevin, nothing is definate in life and this has haunted me since he left me because this is ruddy definate isn't it?

I sit here sometimes and it saddens me beyond any words, thinking 'I don't want to be on my own, I'm too young to be on my own, what do I do about holidays, have I now got to keep working to survive and so it goes on and on and on.

It's so rubbish & to top it all it's the weekend!! Where there was Kevin there was me and vice versa, now just me, it's broken me.

I have to say James, you're strong mate, you get out of bed

C x

I hate Sundays for some reason, always have.This is a particularly bad Sunday! I did get out of bed - at 2.30 this morning feeling like a caged animal. I have been walking the streets mostly since then as I just don't know what to be doing with myself. Didn't help, I'm just pacing the house now feeling like I really really really don't know what the hell to do. Definitely my worst day so far. The sun may be shining outside but can only see in shades of black right now! Thanks for the message Babyem. x