Like everyone else l can say l am sorry for your loss,but my recollection is of them sounding just so hollow and of little meaning in the immediate aftermath of losing my special  everything, Christine.

My life became aimless at that moment of loss,motivation replaced with a crushing darkness of total despair.Somehow l stumbled on,you will too,you have others that depend upon you.

At the end l think the thing that saved me was letting my feelings out into the open and realising they related to the love l had shared with another,how lucky was l to have known that,losing that was painful but l could not comtenplate never having had it to lose.

Go safely on your own personal journey,travel through the darkness,stay aware of the light,have brief moments away from reality.you will always return to it,don't forget how to recognise a positive amidst all your negatives,most importantly keep moving on whatever, It does make sense eventually but you have to get to that point.,l hope that amongst all your anguish you allow for the moments of relected gentleness to inhabit your conciousness,these are what led me through to a future that was hard to perceive at the worst of times

                                                  David

Thank you for your reply David, and I am sorry for your loss. You are not wrong with regards the hollowness, I know people can find very little else to say in such circumstances but it feels beyond awkward saying 'thanks' to well wishers who come to my door or ring me. An ironic scenario as I have just perpetuated the same here myself! This is not my first cancer loss, my father who I worked with for 20 years died slowly and painfully a few years ago from pancreatic cancer and my mother in law who I was very close to also passed away not long after that from bowel and liver cancer so I am no stranger to the cruelness of the big C! What always got me, and my wife, through these situations though was the ability to lean on one other as only we knew each other that well that we could help the other almost without asking what they needed.
 

The loss of Katrina has completely stripped that away and now just leaves every decision to me (and to be fair I have been doing that for many weeks already and since her admittance to hospice where she basically ended up in a semi-coma state) and at each small turn in the road I just think what would she do, would she have agreed with that, am I doing the best for my children dragging them back and forth and so on and so forth! 

I find the silence the most deafening aspect also I suppose, I hate it. I have to have noise in the background as that stops the silence and stops me thinking about her in that moment. I don't want that, I want to think about her, but then that is upsetting and makes me unable to function. 
 

As someone who always thought over the time 'I will get through this by myself' I know that now to be  naive. Verbalising to someone willing to listen and respond, whilst not changing anything, does make me feel less alone in myself for a small period of time, so thank you again. 
 

Best wishes.

James

My wife also passed away on 21st September after what seemed a very short battle with cancer and I am also experiencing many of the things you mention. Being only 57 and also self employed can confirm i am also finding it impossible to concentrate on the work side and hours just seem to drift by with nothing being achieved. As for cats after a pretty restless night being clawed by her to wake me at 6.30am this morning really was not appreciated. Have also decided that once the funeral is over with will look to move as what was once a home now feels far from it.

Hopefully for both us things improve soon.

Hi Guys 

my goodness it's like reading my own story but just the opposite sex

I lost my dear Kevin recently, got 3 kids, 2 being twins & have our own business, married for 32 years & here I am sitting in our home full of memories all that I hate so god dam much. Do I sell up & move or just stay here where he is?

People keep saying to me 'be kind to yourself' what the heck does that mean what!! 
not doing anything, sitting at home staring at the walls, tearing up because every time you turn the radio/telly on something comes on that stirs a memory up of them
what's kind to yourself. 
Months & months of driving to London for hospital appointments caring for him is now taking its toll. Grief is exhausting fellas, we are surviving & I know you don't feel strong anymore but it's all just hidden & compressed in you. 
Take step by step, day by day, it's a long journey & you we will all get thru it. 
It's crap, it's unfair and it's cruel 

Love to each one of you

Happy to always chat you can PM me if you want

C x  

Apologies but I had a brief 'smile' to myself....I am strangely glad to hear someone else relate to how they feel about a house they made their own but now they hate living in. I have thought about moving all the furniture around and perhaps that will change my point of view but fundamentally what is inside said wardrobes, cupboards etc isn't any different whatever way it is arranged and I cannot face going through my wife's smalls so to speak so I guess it will just stay as it is until whenever. 
 

Equally, why is it every time I turn on the radio in the car that every song is about love, loss etc. A song that I would have happily sang along to before now seems like some personal slight...as in how dare you play this song don't you understand my personal circumstances and loss.

I can't honestly say what 'be kind to yourself' is supposed to signify I suppose it means don't do anything stupid but that's all relative to your scenario, again a throw away comment. If I could be kind to myself right now I would invent a time machine, own a private island and live the best form of Groundhog Day forever but life is sh1t.

We exist day by day but my god each day seems like a lifetime.

Jame

Hello Babyem,hello James

                    when others urge you to be kind to yourself, its really the nice way of avoiding telling you not to be too self destructive with your emotions, those offering support will always be careful never to use a negative.But yes,its only now from a distance that l can see this for what it is.

As time passed l realised that l had to let the spirit of my partner go,and that she went with my blessing to whatever travels were out there for her.,For my part l had the joy of our life together and the knowing of her within me,as part of me,to move forward .Once l had come to this,material things that we had shared no longer held any angst for me,l carried the knowledge not the posessions.

The memories will change for you with time,not in their shape,but in your perception, moving  to a calming,reassuring presence that without your thinking makes your future easier,difficult now to accept that could ever be.In your grief,instinct tells you to run away from your home the memories that stir your despair,but time showed me that had l done so the subsequent comfort that took its natural course to arrive,would have been lost to me,and with it perhaps the vital piece that helped to make me complete again

l hope this makes sense.somehow a plain word can never express the nuanced emotions that lie behind them.l feel entitled to tell you to be gentle with yourself as someone who realises what you will have to go through in order to be able to say the same,

                                                                                           David 

What I would give for 6.30. My boys sit either side of my head at 5 every morning in some kind of co-ordinated effort to paw my face and meow me awake. Mostly it works but it is still seriously annoying when I really don't want to get out of bed. It is really sad, you spend years and years building a home but that can be undone in an instant. I am 44 what is at the end of working for the next 20 years +, nothing! All the plans for the future just killed in an instant. 

What I would give for 6.30. My boys sit either side of my head at 5 every morning in some kind of co-ordinated effort to paw my face and meow me awake. Mostly it works but it is still seriously annoying when I really don't want to get out of bed. It is really sad, you spend years and years building a home but that can be undone in an instant. I am 44 what is at the end of working for the next 20 years +, nothing! All the plans for the future just killed in an instant. 

Morning

Years and years ago I always remember saying to Kevin, nothing is definate in life and this has haunted me since he left me because this is ruddy definate isn't it?

I sit here sometimes and it saddens me beyond any words, thinking 'I don't want to be on my own, I'm too young to be on my own, what do I do about holidays, have I now got to keep working to survive and so it goes on and on and on.

It's so rubbish & to top it all it's the weekend!! Where there was Kevin there was me and vice versa, now just me, it's broken me.

I have to say James, you're strong mate, you get out of bed

C x

I hate Sundays for some reason, always have.This is a particularly bad Sunday! I did get out of bed - at 2.30 this morning feeling like a caged animal. I have been walking the streets mostly since then as I just don't know what to be doing with myself. Didn't help, I'm just pacing the house now feeling like I really really really don't know what the hell to do. Definitely my worst day so far. The sun may be shining outside but can only see in shades of black right now! Thanks for the message Babyem. x

I hate Monday's always have always will and can you believe it Kevin passed away on a Monday ~ so I've got tomorrow.

Today, I tried to keep busy ~ doing what goodness only knows ~ but it's 1:00pm and I just sat down in my kitchen and thought 'god this is ***' & like you I'm walking around the garden, house just doing nothing.  I'm thinking about washing the car just so it passes another 1/2 hour. I phone keeps pinging and I just can't even be bothered at answering it and talking to anyone, all they say is 'how are you'

I have told so many people this, but there is a good book out called It's Ok not to be Ok by Megan Devine, you will think it's written especially for you, well worth a read, get the kids to read it too, it explains grief your loss and just really how you are feeling right now. My son was told to buy it, he did past it on to his sisters and then he brought me one.

I suppose you have that dreadful day to organise too which will  be tough but you know when I was organising Kevin's I made sure every single person knew we were going to celebrate his life, he was a lovely man, made me laugh and was my soulmate.

You and your kids will celebrate Katrina's life & what she was all about.  We did the order of service all about him and not the bod standard one everyone has, we had so many photo's of him in it, funny things he said & a dittie who wrote me on our Wedding Day with a picture of us two.  How we organised it helped us enourmously.

Take small steps and they are small, get you and your kids together, chat, laugh at the daft things she did, cry because the situation is rubbish & you are all grieving, tell them stories of when they were little and say Mum use to do this, Mum use to do that ~ just prop each other up ~ no one in this world will understand what you 3 are going through right now and how you feel, just be there for each other & tuck yourself in 

C x

Yes holidays as due to Covid so many things were put on hold and the many things we had planned to do together once restrictions were lifted are now just empty promises. Cancelling her passport was like a knife through my heart.

As for weekends had to think what day of week it was and realised Sunday and have spent this morning listening to music trying to decide what will be played at funeral so truly not the weekend i would have wished for. In fact the 1st weekend since her death. 

People starting to bug me too now as lost count of times i been asked are you eating properly etc....of course im not and even simple requests like asking people if they will be attending the wake so i can get some idea of the the numbers as want to do it properly for her are answered with will check and let you know.

I suspect many birthdays etc will be missed in the coming months as those things she always dealt with but also know i need somehow to get on top of the stuff she used to organise as she would have wanted me to and would feel like i am letting her down not doing them. 

You are right Covid really has magnified the sense of loss, certainly it has to myself and the kids. All that time spent trapped essentially and for what at the end, absolutely no bright side whatsoever. I have yet to progress in any significant way the what seems like giant list of entities that need phoning or visiting to cancel this or change that as I don't want to be having the same conversations over and over right now.

My wifes wishes were to be cremated and the crematorium only allows 28 people in who have to be on the list. Same issue it's a simple thing could you just give me a plain yes or no as to whether you are coming to the church service and then the crematorium. 3 days on almost and not one single person has had the common decency to confirm either way. 

I have numerous WhatsApp messages, texts etc sitting on my phone asking me the same thing how are you doing today. I don't have any desire to respond as the answer will be no different from the one yesterday to the one tomorrow!! 

Fortunately there are no birthdays coming up until next year but I know our anniversary in November is going to be extremely tough and then that's followed closely by the next best one Christmas! ***!. Hopefully things will be slightly different then, hard to see that far ahead.

Totally get the work aspect, falling at the end of the month as it does I have to get all her accounts and invoicing done for the business. Don't do it don't have any money coming in but have tried a little today and just end up staring at the computer monitor with nothing achieved. Trying to do things as and when I feel I am up to them, but then I find myself just sitting wherever staring off in to space just thinking I can't be bothered. 

I guess we just have to try to not see this mountain sitting in front of us right now as impenetrable or unscalable! Just chip a few rocks away at a time when we can and eventually it may look a little smaller and manageable! That said don't think it will ever get down in size to the proverbial mole hill though!

I will look that book up in due course, thanks. My daughter bought me Saturday what I thought at first was a pointless little crochet whale, a so called 'Worry Whale'. What am I supposed to do with that. Odd how right now though it is far from pointless and is in my pocket all the time like some kind of crochet stress ball / companion that doesn't ask anything of me right now. Life is bad when a 3" round whale toy somehow gives you minor comfort but it makes my daughter happy to see me with it so I will at least  take that.

Should go and try eat something as haven't had anything in near 24 hours but feel generally so sick to the pit of my stomach and again just seems like too much effort for what will taste either way no doubt like eating cardboard! X

Morning

Hope you managed to get some sleep, I was my usual 3:00pm awake and now feel exhausted, but then again I am always exhausted, I think grief is exhausting.

I work in a School so have to put my actors/mask face on every day and boy that is tough, can't stand it tbh but have no choice.

Sorting everything out is horrendous and the list is forever, I hate every single minute of dealing with all of this, it's upset, it tightens my heart even more and I just can't see any light at the end of this long, long road I am on.

Your baby girl, very sweet and kind of her, her heart must be broken to not only losing her mum but seeing her dad look so beaten and sad. Keep the whale in your pocket x

Today, have a day, survive another day James, that's all I'm doing.

I laid in bed this morning and just wished that Kev could just come and put his arms around me and say, it's ok, just to feel him one more time.  Now the tears are flowing of how much I truly miss him.

Catch up later, if it helps you keep posting, if it's too much, PM me and I will chat privately

C x