Hi tasha,

I feel the exact same way , my brother passed on the 21st and I dont like to get upset in front of my children partner or mum. My kids haven't seen me cry except when I was told to go to hospital as my brother deteriorated, I broke down uncontrollably.  Now I feel numb some days I'm always thinking of his last days, like he knew the severity of the disease yet he kept it from us, but at the same time he had hope because we were trying to get him into private care . He even text saying how the doctors can just write him off, basically saying he wasn't ready...yet he died the next night.... It kills me. I was told that in time those last days won't be the first memories you think of. You will think of the happy memories first.i have yet to have my brother's funeral, the day before my birthday, I don't know how I will be that day or the day after. The only comfort I have is that my mum and children have been strong. Your mum is being strong for you and that will be a relief for her maybe,but she is grieving in her own way. My mum talks to everyone about it and I can't,  not yet xxx

 Hi Maria,

sorry for the loss of your brother, i feel numb also like its not happening and they are not fully gone or i choose not to accept it. I feel my dad wasn’t ready to go either and its horrible as you question did i do enough in the end for them in the end. The funeral the day before your birthday will be hard, to be honest, my dads was a blur they say it hits you after but I’ve still yet to fully accept things. Your mum children and partner will support you on that day and you will all comfort each other. Yeah she says don’t bottle things up and talk to her but you feel you don’t want to burden them as they are grieving too so you just struggle with the thoughts in you head over and over xxx

yeah he was always there its very lonely without him. i sit and speak to his picture alot in the day.

We are all different and who knows when we will feel ok again probably never really

While ive been off work I think I assumed after we sorted all the house bills out etc I would just grieve and be done with it but it doesn’t work out like that we cant plan for how long we are like this and it doesn’t just go within a week

Exactly, literally got to take every hour as it comes. X

Hi Ladies

ohh my heart goes out to you both well actually everyone on here that is feeling just you both & me. 
I lost my husband 7 weeks ago & I feel like I've been hit by a bus. Grief is exhausting, it's suffocating & I think we are all learning to survive this madness of a time we are experiencing. 
I do nothing but cry & I mean cry, I'm back to work & feel lower than a snakes belly  

I too use to train everyday but lost the drive for that too. 
 

Ladies can I recommend a book to you. It's called 'It's ok that you're not ok' by Megan Devine. Worth purchasing & reading. I'm convinced the book was written for me!

Hold on tight ladies to the side of the boat that's on the choppy water ~ you'll see me there too & when we get to the shore how proud will they be of us xx 

Huge hugs to you both, keep in touch xx

Thats a lovely message, thank you. I will have a look at that book.I'm so sorry for your loss, it's still so raw and you're right it is exhausting and we are just trying to survive xx

Hiya Maria, I am a young Scottish man battling cancer. I am so so sorry you are struggling i am a RMN if you need to chat please message me anytime. You take good care lovely you will be fine. I am a Reiki practioner see those tears they heal us humans so does water so please drink lots of water your lips may start to dry up you may cry let it go please take care if you need a wee chat i'm here Will x

you are coping you just don't know  it your resiliant i can sense it take care Will x

Thankyou for your kind messages. I'm hanging onto a thin thread at the moment, I know everyone feels the same

your very very welcome as i said if you ever need a wee chat just message me. Stay safe lass Will x

Hi Babyem,

Im so sorry for the loss of your husband. Your time frame is not far off mine it still feels very raw.

Yeah grief is exhausting. It doesnt help when sleeping is an issue aswell you just feel like you are never rested. You can quite easily just stay in bed but for me I feel worst if I do that so I try and get up.

I am back to work also and its hard. People say oh i bet your glad to be back for the distraction but its definitely not the case I cant concentrate, im just in a daze everyday. I am working from home luckily but I feel very alone at the same time I don’t want to be around work people. At least when I cry I have privacy.

I have the book ready to purchase thank you. I will definitely give this a read hopefully it helps in some way. Your just willing to do or try anything to help you get through it all.

Thank you for the kind words, I know we are all not alone on here. There lovely people and its such a comfort.

If you ever need a chat please feel free to message me

Tasha xx

Hi Tasha 

I was reading your reply to Will it was exactly like me. Kevin was trying to get out of bed, pulling his lines out, he also had a peg fitted which he tried to rip it out, stopped & just looked at me with these big haunting eyes saying 'help me' it has broken me it did then & still does now. 
I work in a School & we are back & to be honest I put this mask on & as soon as I take one step out that door I cry I hold it all together

I feel that this box that I hold had everything in it, working, caring for him, numerous hospital visits with me driving, keeping the house going, my house looking like a hospital & constantly in a mess etc etc etc & now the lid of this box is slowly opening & everything is started to come out bit by bit & I just can't catch anything anymore :sad: does that make sense ? I'm worn out, sad, very lonely & just I could have just one more hug & Kev telling me it will be ok 

when you read that book take a hi-lighter pen & hi-light the bits that you are experiencing you'll be amazed  

Ditto for the chat always happy to chat 

xx be kind to yourself xx 

Hi Tasha 

I was reading your reply to Will it was exactly like me. Kevin was trying to get out of bed, pulling his lines out, he also had a peg fitted which he tried to rip it out, stopped & just looked at me with these big haunting eyes saying 'help me' it has broken me it did then & still does now. 
I work in a School & we are back & to be honest I put this mask on & as soon as I take one step out that door I cry I hold it all together

I feel that this box that I hold had everything in it, working, caring for him, numerous hospital visits with me driving, keeping the house going, my house looking like a hospital & constantly in a mess etc etc etc & now the lid of this box is slowly opening & everything is started to come out bit by bit & I just can't catch anything anymore :sad: does that make sense ? I'm worn out, sad, very lonely & just I could have just one more hug & Kev telling me it will be ok 

when you read that book take a hi-lighter pen & hi-light the bits that you are experiencing you'll be amazed  

Ditto for the chat always happy to chat 

xx be kind to yourself xx 

Hi Babyem,

Yeah my dad was very much the same near the end its horrible he looked so scared and it was like they was trying to say just help me get away. Thats what i find hard to deal with because you feel like you didnt help them and then they then passed away angry because of it.

Its good you get all the crying released just let it all out, i bet it feels better to after holding it in all day.

I would do anything just to have one last moment with them again i think you do. I think we just got to remember how much we did for them and was with them all through this so they wasnt alone. we need to take some comfort in this.

i have ordered the book it should be here today so thanks for recommending it

I have sent you a friend request also xxx