Hi tasha,

I feel the exact same way , my brother passed on the 21st and I dont like to get upset in front of my children partner or mum. My kids haven't seen me cry except when I was told to go to hospital as my brother deteriorated, I broke down uncontrollably.  Now I feel numb some days I'm always thinking of his last days, like he knew the severity of the disease yet he kept it from us, but at the same time he had hope because we were trying to get him into private care . He even text saying how the doctors can just write him off, basically saying he wasn't ready...yet he died the next night.... It kills me. I was told that in time those last days won't be the first memories you think of. You will think of the happy memories first.i have yet to have my brother's funeral, the day before my birthday, I don't know how I will be that day or the day after. The only comfort I have is that my mum and children have been strong. Your mum is being strong for you and that will be a relief for her maybe,but she is grieving in her own way. My mum talks to everyone about it and I can't,  not yet xxx

 Hi Maria,

sorry for the loss of your brother, i feel numb also like its not happening and they are not fully gone or i choose not to accept it. I feel my dad wasn’t ready to go either and its horrible as you question did i do enough in the end for them in the end. The funeral the day before your birthday will be hard, to be honest, my dads was a blur they say it hits you after but I’ve still yet to fully accept things. Your mum children and partner will support you on that day and you will all comfort each other. Yeah she says don’t bottle things up and talk to her but you feel you don’t want to burden them as they are grieving too so you just struggle with the thoughts in you head over and over xxx

maybe just get out one day and see how you feel. Or even go alone. It doesnt help the weather being so *** but the walk might help release some endorphins.

dont apologies we are just speaking about our losses together which it happends on some of these posts.

yeah it is bad you dont know where to go when it comes to bereavement but like i say cruse or good for a quick offload on there chat.

yeah the booklet had so many things in you just dont look at as its to much to process and just find a way to get through it yourself xx

I actually did have a couple of walks with my friend, but she talked and I listened, which I didn't mind, it meant that I didn't have to talk. And now the weather is crap (I hibernate in winter in general anyway) and the funeral date is looming, its hitting me again and I'm dreading it. The thought of everyone being there and I just want to run. I haven't switched my phone on either, because of texts and photos of my brother.

Me and my brother loved working out too, my brother was lifting the hospital bed a few days before.and jogging a few weeks before, I think that's why it's a shock. He was here one minute, the next he was gone.i was in the middle of a p.t course, just don't even want to think about it. I feel I will never find joy in anything again.

 Have you had a walk or spoke to anyone besides cruse? At least you're going back to work and trying to  keep occupied. As you were dealing for so long, it's time to concentrate on you, as much as its hard to do so. Do what your dad would have loved seeing his daughter do. 

sounds silly but i bet because your friend spoke on there troubles you was focused on that and in a way you forgot about whats going on just for alittle moment because of it. Yea winter isnt good i dont like to go out alot in winter i hate the dark nights. The funeral will be a blur well it was for me i dont remember much or who even went to it to be honest. Dont worry about your phone it will only add to the upset you will turn it on when you are ready.

Thats lovely you and your brother worked out together those will be precious memories. Wow he sounded healthy. Its horrible that they can just change in an instant. My dad actually got up for a shower with help from the nurses a few days before and was walking around his bed so i got told. Then within the space of 48 he was a different person and had gone down hill so quick. The PT course im sure will wait and when you are ready to focus again that is sure to be something you try and complete im sure your brother would have wanted you to aswell do it for him if anyone else when you can concentrate again.

I used to walk alot in lockdown but now not so much i also went to the gym alot as well. The gym was abit of me time when i needed it but ive yet to get focused on going again. Ive spoken on here to people but thats about it currently. Work isnt going great the only good thing is im working from home. Its hard because i cant focus on things i drift off and think of my dad daily and get upset then im so worked up i cant concentrate. I have yet to go in the office yet im dreading the day. Worried how people will be etc planing my escape if i get upset but thats not yet ill go in when im ready.

Yeah i cant focus on myself at the moment life seems pointless without him here

It does, everything seems pointless. Especially as you lived with him and even though he was ill for a while, he was always present, You may not be ready for a while and you don't need to be. Your body and soul need time to heal and who knows when that will be. As long as you heal. 

I am feeling guilty about not hurrying up and coping, which I know I shouldn't be. 

yeah he was always there its very lonely without him. i sit and speak to his picture alot in the day.

We are all different and who knows when we will feel ok again probably never really

While ive been off work I think I assumed after we sorted all the house bills out etc I would just grieve and be done with it but it doesn’t work out like that we cant plan for how long we are like this and it doesn’t just go within a week

Exactly, literally got to take every hour as it comes. X

Hi Ladies

ohh my heart goes out to you both well actually everyone on here that is feeling just you both & me. 
I lost my husband 7 weeks ago & I feel like I've been hit by a bus. Grief is exhausting, it's suffocating & I think we are all learning to survive this madness of a time we are experiencing. 
I do nothing but cry & I mean cry, I'm back to work & feel lower than a snakes belly  

I too use to train everyday but lost the drive for that too. 
 

Ladies can I recommend a book to you. It's called 'It's ok that you're not ok' by Megan Devine. Worth purchasing & reading. I'm convinced the book was written for me!

Hold on tight ladies to the side of the boat that's on the choppy water ~ you'll see me there too & when we get to the shore how proud will they be of us xx 

Huge hugs to you both, keep in touch xx

Thats a lovely message, thank you. I will have a look at that book.I'm so sorry for your loss, it's still so raw and you're right it is exhausting and we are just trying to survive xx

Hiya Maria, I am a young Scottish man battling cancer. I am so so sorry you are struggling i am a RMN if you need to chat please message me anytime. You take good care lovely you will be fine. I am a Reiki practioner see those tears they heal us humans so does water so please drink lots of water your lips may start to dry up you may cry let it go please take care if you need a wee chat i'm here Will x

you are coping you just don't know  it your resiliant i can sense it take care Will x

you are coping you just don't know  it your resiliant i can sense it take care Will x

Thankyou for your kind messages. I'm hanging onto a thin thread at the moment, I know everyone feels the same

your very very welcome as i said if you ever need a wee chat just message me. Stay safe lass Will x