Hi Tasha

im so sorry, I have just lost my wife to oesophageal cancer seems to be quite a common story on here

i totally understand your pain and frustration I have never felt hurt and anger like I do now I know nothing much anyone says makes you feel better but what I am learning is there are some wonderful people on here who have and are going through what we both are .

I check in here quite regularly if you want a chat as I do find some peace from the fact that there are people who actually understand what I'm going through rather than all the sympathy I get elsewhere where no one actually knows or understands because it's never happened to them

Take care

Gary

Thank you for replying gary. I didnt think anyone was going to reach out to me

ive come on here to get advice and it will help to know all im feeling others do to. Because although friends  and even some family members want to be there as a support they dont fully understand how it feels to of lost someone from cancer and the effect it has had and even through the years since the diagnosis  on both me and my mum.

Just the comments of oh you will be ok. Getting back to work and normality will help. Just gets me annoyed

Hi tasha,

I feel the exact same way , my brother passed on the 21st and I dont like to get upset in front of my children partner or mum. My kids haven't seen me cry except when I was told to go to hospital as my brother deteriorated, I broke down uncontrollably.  Now I feel numb some days I'm always thinking of his last days, like he knew the severity of the disease yet he kept it from us, but at the same time he had hope because we were trying to get him into private care . He even text saying how the doctors can just write him off, basically saying he wasn't ready...yet he died the next night.... It kills me. I was told that in time those last days won't be the first memories you think of. You will think of the happy memories first.i have yet to have my brother's funeral, the day before my birthday, I don't know how I will be that day or the day after. The only comfort I have is that my mum and children have been strong. Your mum is being strong for you and that will be a relief for her maybe,but she is grieving in her own way. My mum talks to everyone about it and I can't,  not yet xxx

 Hi Maria,

sorry for the loss of your brother, i feel numb also like its not happening and they are not fully gone or i choose not to accept it. I feel my dad wasn’t ready to go either and its horrible as you question did i do enough in the end for them in the end. The funeral the day before your birthday will be hard, to be honest, my dads was a blur they say it hits you after but I’ve still yet to fully accept things. Your mum children and partner will support you on that day and you will all comfort each other. Yeah she says don’t bottle things up and talk to her but you feel you don’t want to burden them as they are grieving too so you just struggle with the thoughts in you head over and over xxx

Yes exactly that. My brain hurts from thinking about every little thing. And I just want to sleep or watch something to keep my mind occupied.my mum also says not to bottle it up but I have always dealt with things that way. I mean seem strong generally but things like this I don't cope well. Talking to people on here has helped, because people feel the same, even tho everyone's experience is different and everyone thinks theirs is the worst which it is to them. Also have you been on macmillian?you can talk to an operator on line, that might help.   Xx

yeah you over think everything that has gone on in your mind. Sleeping is also an issue for me i just cant settle i think im having bad dreams also back to when he was in hospital its horrible. Plus you just cant settle because there no longer in the house you dont feel as safe anymore. Yeah im the same i bottled things up so much the other year to the point of i went in to work on a daily basis and just cried for no reason I was just in a bad place mentally it was at that point i spoke to someone they said I was doing anticipatory grief aswell which explained alot. Yeah everyone’s experience is different but we all have been effected by the horrible disease that is cancer. I think at times I used to feel guilty at how much it effected me through the years like why am I like this im not the one going through the pain and treatment of it all but it does effect those close as well. Im sorry to say macmillian haven’t been the best throughout my dads cancer to be honest ive ended up going else where. I have some sessions with MIND last year on things. I recently have been on cruse.org which are good for a quick release on there online chat someone does listen. But in time I have sessions I can get through work on speaking about my grief im just unsure when the time is right for them if that makes sense you wonder when is the best time to start them

Yes you shouldn't have to worry about when is the best time for them, because you're dealing with it now, but I get what you mean. I only spoke to one person in macmillan who was good but then others just referred me to brochures. And I was desperate to talk just so I understand what I'm feeling but at the same dont want to talk. Sometimes the numb feeling is a relief from the ache and crying. My mum comes to my house everyday because she lived with my brother and I just think she would be better off being at a friend's or something coz I'm no good to her. My partners been working, dropping the kids to school, picking my mum up, cleaning, picking the kids up, making us food. And I know he feels helpless thinking he can't help me, he is helping by looking after my family. 

Yeah I think im worrying if ill need more support after the sessions as well I can get these quickly because its via a work support thing but when I waited the other year it took 8 months before I got any support etc plus be worst now with covid. Yeah even on the help line they don’t say much or just keep pushing you towards brochures which isn’t what you want. I think shes coming to check in on you or just be close as you are going through it together she probably thinks she is helping by coming round. She will understand tho if you are not yourself but its more a thing of just checking in I think.

Yeah I bet it makes you feel guilty because he is doing it all but he is just helping the best he can and in time you will do things when you are ready to but he doesn’t want you worrying more on things. xx

Yea I guess she is, they keep pushing me out of bed but I don't want to get out!

I have many people around me but feel alone

How do they make you wait eight months?! No wonder more and more people are suffering with mental health problems thats ridiculous! How are people meant to get help when there's nothing offered either. Even docs and nurses didn't offer anything at the hospital. Here's his things, bye. Xx