I lost my dad 9 weeks ago after his long battle with cancer over 5 years. He had oesophagus cancer which then spread to his spine and pelvis and also effected his voice in the end. I still live at home with my mum and im there only child. Im 34 and feel i should be dealing with it all better. All through his battle I was with him on every appointment/treatment and near the end became his carer.

You always know deep down the day will come but you can never prepare yourself. I constantly question did I do enough near the end while he was in hospital and this still plays on my mind till this day. Would he of been upset at us that we made him go in because he was so poorly and all he wanted to do was come home. I never got to see him till he was at his worst because of how things were with the covid situation in hospitals and I hate that. He was so distressed and it was horrible to see. I don’t know if he could fully understand we was there and it breaks me because id hate the thought of him thinking we just abandoned him. I cannot get these moments out of my head.

The past few weeks have been a blur even after the funeral it feels like things aren’t happening or I’m choosing not to accept his gone and I don’t feel I fully can. I feel lost and have no purpose it was all about my dad for so long its hard to snap away from that. I am trying to be strong for my mum and worrying because she hasn’t fully cried yet how its effecting her deep down.

Im emotional all the time and that bothers me because I don’t want to get upset Infront of others but I guess that’s how grief is and I need to accept my emotions will take over. The house feels so empty without him id do anything to have him back here again. It hurts so much without him

I am back at work this week and finding it very hard to concentrate my mind wonders to my dad. Im getting so stressed about entering the office again worrying on how I will be. I feel work colleges avoid talking to me because of what’s happened and makes me feel even more awkward. Also I used to love the gym and find it hard to get motivated I feel so exhausted all the time. I feel staying at home is a safe place and don’t want to do anything. Relationships etc have gone on hold because all my time was invested in my dad I feel I will never go back to normal again.

Its his birthday in a few weeks as well how do people deal with this. Any advice will be helpful I just feel its going to take me along time to come to terms with things