Hello

Such a shame that you are struggling so much trying to accept your loss. It's never an easy or straightforward thing to do & you must do your best to accept that it's taking you a little longer than perhaps it takes other people. That's okay because everyone is different.

You say you don't 'believe in counselling' but you obviously believe in talking about your feelings otherwise you wouldn't have written about your feelings here and that's all counselling is really about - just talking. It's about letting out all those negative feelings to someone who knows how to listen and not judge or give too much advice. Not everyone really knows how to listen but counsellors are trained to do it properly & it will bring you relief. You say you can't see one quickly so is there anyone you know who you can talk to about your feelings? If there is you must do it.

Feelings of guilt & anger are very normal/common so you're like lots of other people in that way. Again just accept it if you can & know that those awful negative feelings will go away in time. Truly they will.

You must miss your mum terribly but I'd bet my pension that she would be very, very upset about how you are feeling. You know mums don't bring babies into this world thinking that they'll never have to face the loss of loved ones. The pain of losing someone is, sadly, the price we all have to pay for loving them & being loved by them. I'll bet you wouldn't change your mum for anything & she would want you to live your life from now on & be happy. That doesn't mean you don't care about her but you would, & will, be honouring the fact she brought you into the world to face all of its ups & downs. Can't you think about it that way & do it for her? You can do it - just be patient, be kind to yourself & the memory of your mum & accept that your pain will become bearable.

My cousin & her husband recently lost their 53 year only son to cancer. He left them a letter saying he wanted them not to grieve & to go on living their lives. That's what they're trying to do. Is it easy? No. It's not. But they're honouring their son by trying. You can do the same even though you feel at the moment you can't. In a little while, perhaps sooner than you think, you will I'm sure.Take care of yourself xx

I feel your pain i lost my dad 9 weeks ago and was his carer also. Its so hard to accept they are gone and i to feel i will never overcome the loss nor do i want to. I feel very lost like i dont have a purpose in life anymore.

have you spoken to a doctor to help on anything with the panic attacks? 
 

i know your waitings on counselling but ive been on the cruse site chat sometimes to offload and its just someone to talk to for the time being

https://www.cruse.org.uk/

Work will just have to accept you will come back when you are ready. Try and not feel pressure from them as long as you have your sick note you will be ok. 
 

if you ever want to chat privately please feel free to reach out ill always be willing to listen and help the best i can